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Link between Narcissism and Erectile Dysfunction

Uncovering The Surprising Link Between Erectile Dysfunction And Narcissism… And What It Reveals About Impotence Treatment

Erectile dysfunction and narcissism are two psychological ideas which, when you experience them, can consume many other aspects of your life. But, you might be surprised to learn that these phenomena, though on the surface seemingly totally separate, might actually be related.

Psychological factors play a role in erectile dysfunction

Interestingly, understanding this relationship can also be the key to treating both concerns with therapy, too.

Clinical psychologist and author, Michael Kinsey, Ph.D., has noted a definitive link between the two in his patients. “In my clinical practice, I have often seen erectile dysfunction occur alongside hypermasculine displays of narcissism,” he confirms.

Although erectile dysfunction tends to be a problem experienced later in life, Dr. Kinsey explains that the seeds for it are planted in the environment men have grown up in. “The foundation for later problems, including getting and maintaining erections, can be built when men have been reared in a macho environment,” Dr. Kinsey says, “Some features of such an environment include where there has been punishment for signs of vulnerability (which is viewed as a weakness), where they have experienced ridicule for expressions of “feminine” virtues like warmth, empathy and emotional sensitivity, and where conflict resolution consists of competitive displays of dominance and/or violence.”

Put simply, erectile dysfunction can be an effect of the emotional disturbances associated with narcissism.

Mark Goldberg is a licensed clinical marriage and family therapist and a certified sex therapist, and has particular expertise in helping resolving issues of erectile dysfunction. He too has noticed a distinct link between narcissism and impotence.

“Narcissists tend to have a difficult time with criticism, real or perceived. Erectile dysfunction can be a way of avoiding potential criticism or simply not being the best lover that a partner has had. A narcissist is unlikely to say that he is concerned about what his partner thinks about him or his performance,” explains Goldberg, “Also, if erections are not working at all it becomes a lot easier to blame the partner, which is often a trait of narcissists as well.”

This narcissistic idea of blaming erectile dysfunction on a partner has also been noted by Caroline Madden, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist and the author of “Fool Me Once: Should I Take Back My Cheating Husband?” She recalls a particular case where a man refused to have sex with his partner but did have sex with prostitutes. “It’s about manipulation and control. It is another way for him to blame the woman.”

Similarly, this could also be explained by the fact that narcissists can have trouble connecting emotionally, explains Indigo Stray Conger, a certified sex therapist and writer for Choosing Therapy.

“In terms of adult attachment styles, men with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) tend to be on the far end of the attachment spectrum, under Avoidant Attachment. Avoidant attachers have difficulty connecting emotionally during sex, often using masturbation in lieu of sex with partners and having less interest in sexual connection with partners as relationships become long term. Men with NPD, in addition to these factors, tend to use sex as a way to achieve self-esteem and emotional manipulation,” explains Conger.

Narcissism, lack of intimacy, & Erectile dysfunction

“This cluster of issues around sexual connection lends itself to erectile dysfunction, particularly in longer relationships and as men age, as men with NPD have difficulty connecting emotionally and feeling embodied during sexual activity.”

The link between narcissism and impotence is made even more understandable when we understand what exactly narcissism involves.

Licensed professional counselor and psychotherapist Alena Scigliano specializes in Narcissistic Abuse. She provides therapy primarily to women who are searching for healing from relationships with pathologically narcissistic partners and parents.

“The heart of pathological narcissism is a deep insecurity, and an extremely fragile sense of self. The inherent nature of a pathological narcissist is to mask their insecurity, even from himself,” explains Scigliano, “It is quite possible that erectile dysfunction is a symptom of this need to mask, just as presenting a grandiose self-importance is, as a means to avoid discovering that one cannot perform well.”

She adds that pathological narcissists rarely begin something that they can’t finish – and when applied to erectile dysfunction, that includes sex. “If they suspect that they won’t do well, they avoid doing it altogether. Since their fragile sense of self may include a fear of being judged for poor sexual performance, they may be subconsciously sabotaging the possibility of even beginning intercourse, simply for the sake of avoiding the risk of failure and therefore judgment.”

Dr. Kinsey explains that we can look to gender stereotypes to explain the link, too. “Although this kind of gendered language has fallen out of fashion, we can understand human psychological wellbeing as having a balance of masculine and feminine traits.”

“Male gender expressions need to integrate a feminine side, also called the ‘anima,’ while healthy female gender expressions require that masculine traits (the “animus”) get assimilated into the personality,” expounds Dr Kinsey.

Likewise, this plays into the gender stereotypes – and reactions against them – we have come to know. “The stereotype of women needing to become more comfortable with self-assertion, asking directly for what they want, and negotiating raises in the workplace is an example of working towards animus integration,” says Dr. Kinsey, “The stereotype of men needing to learn sensitivity, receptivity to emotional experiences, and expressing vulnerability is an example of anima integration.”

This adds extra pressure on modern men, he adds: “In men, when the stress of maintaining a hypermasculine mask becomes too great, the body may alert him to the toxic imbalance through sexual dysfunction. It’s no accident that erectile dysfunction might be the only symptom sufficiently distressing to motivate him to seek help.”

Hypermasculine expressions of Narcissism & Impotence

Understanding erectile dysfunction as a manifestation of narcissistic personality disorder goes hand in hand with understanding it as a somatic expression: a mind-body relationship.

“It’s important for people to understand that “psychosomatic” does NOT mean ‘it’s all in your head,’” Dr. Kinsey is quick to point out, “People who experience erectile dysfunction or other psychosomatic phenomena are experiencing real things in their body.”

“Psychosomatic expressions of emotions are a form of dissociation,” explains Dr. Kinsey, “a primitive defense mechanism that involves adopting a simplistic view of experience as being all good or all bad. This kind of defense is usually called ‘splitting.’ In the hypermasculine form of narcissism, experience is split into something like ‘strong’ and ‘weak.’”

“In men, when the stress of maintaining a hypermasculine mask becomes too great, the body may alert him to the toxic imbalance through sexual dysfunction. It’s no accident that erectile dysfunction might be the only symptom sufficiently distressing to motivate him to seek help.“
Michael Kinsey, PhD
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With these hypermasculine ideas in mind, Dr. Kinsey hypothesizes, “The more the mind insists on ‘strong,’ the body will express weak. Impotence is one way in which the body rejects the mind’s unreasonable demands.”

Both erectile dysfunction, and narcissistic abuse can be incredibly emotional topics for people experiencing them. So, how do psychologists approach the issue clinically?

“One of the main challenges clinically has already been overcome when the patient enters a psychotherapy office – that is getting him into therapy,” says Dr. Kinsey, “I suspect that many narcissistic men suffer unnecessarily from erectile dysfunction as they turn exclusively to MDs. A prescription to Viagra or Cialis may treat the symptom, but the underlying psychological cause could remain untreated.”

Dr. Kinsey explains that in his experience, the biggest reason for impotence – and therefore in treating it – can be psychological, rather than medical: “I have seen a number of men who have basically given up on ever having another erection since MDs were not able to address the impotence through medical intervention.”

Medication does not always work for impotence

Scigliano adds that narcissists actually rarely seek psychological help – so it’s understandable that they would be more likely to visit their primary care physician for erectile issues, rather than a therapist. “Even if the physician recommended therapy, the narcissist would probably just ignore the suggestion,” she adds, “But what does get them into counseling sometimes is a marital or partnership conflict.”

This is a way for the narcissist to identify the unhealthy ways he expresses emotion, and learn healthier means of expression, says Scigliano. It’s also incredibly important to be aware of the partner of the narcissist, too, Scigliano says: “I would help the partner to understand how important it is to be non-judgmental during intimacy and encourage them to do their best to create an interpersonal dynamic of acceptance. Honestly though, this is an extremely simplistic explanation for something that would likely be much more complicated and nuanced.”

“It’s also important it is to remain mindful of how vulnerable the partner of a narcissist is to psychological abuse, ensuring that I do not inadvertently create a worse situation for them. But overall, my hope would be that, as the patient begins to integrate healthier coping skills into his daily life, discussed in therapy, he will find that he experiences erectile dysfunction less and less.

Thankfully for many, therapy can be, and often is, the answer.

“If a man is in therapy, he has hope,” says Dr. Kinsey, “The main challenges at this point are: Convincing the patient that erectile dysfunction is a psychosomatic symptom, ensuring the cure is not more painful than the symptom, and offering the patient a model of more integrated masculinity that feels worthy of pursuit, or at the very least, tolerable.”

“In psychotherapy, pain is the motivator for change. Building an accepting, honest, and emotionally-open relationship with the patient around this pain is the best way to address erectile dysfunction psychologically,” he adds.

For more advice on therapy for relationships, and understanding psychological behaviors and their effects, head to Mindsplain now.

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3 Top Relationship Experts Explain Cheating

Published by Bex April May

Infidelity is one of the most emotionally devastating and life-changing events we can go through – whichever side of the act we find ourselves on. But cheating is also a gray area when it comes to relationships: the definitions of it can be loose, and different people’s interpretations and motivations can differ greatly.

With lines blurred and definitions muddled, an expert’s advice can be all the more essential. We spoke to three relationship experts and psychologists to discover the differences in cheating when it comes to men and women, how to tell if you are being cheated on, and what to do if you are.

Why do people cheat?

It sounds like a simple question, but the answer is complex. As clinical psychologist Michael Kinsey, PhD explains, “Cheating is communication through action. Action is a more primitive way of communicating and, in the intricate world of human relationships, is an unwieldy, blunt instrument.”

“There are any number of reasons why someone will ‘act out’ through infidelity. Let’s distinguish between two broad categories: One is personality-based reasons, and the other is circumstantial reasons,” says Dr. Kinsey.

“When we say that cheating is personality-based, we are basically saying that the cheater has not developed mature ways of communicating feelings or needs. In fact, this person may not even have a firm grasp of what his or her feelings and needs are. When one or both members of a couple have immature or pathological personality organizations – for example, narcissistic personality disorder – problems in the relationship are very likely to get expressed through acts of infidelity,” Dr. Kinsey explains.

Of the second type of cheating, Kinsey says,“Circumstantial reasons occur over the course of a long-term relationship. Changes in lifestyle, career, responsibility, and interests may lead to chronic misattunements and problems in communication that leave one or both parties in the relationship feeling silenced, frustrated, invalidated, and/or disempowered. In these instances, infidelity may be opportunistic and can be seen as a desperate attempt to get the attention of the partner.”

“These two categories are rough distinctions and specific instances of cheating can be a murky combination of the two types,” he adds.

Of course, this murkiness can be muddied further by human foibles. Celebrated psychotherapist Esther Perel is one of the world’s leading experts on infidelity. A New York Times bestselling author of The State of Affairs and Mating in Captivity, and creator of the groundbreaking therapy podcast Where Should We Begin, she has spent more than 34 years speaking and helping people with their relationships.

But in terms of specific reasons for cheating, she has said, “There is no common reason… Definitely mortality, fear of ageing, deadness. A fear of ‘Is it going to be like this for another 25 years? Nothing new?’ That’s one narrative.”

The differences between male and female cheaters

Dr. Fran Walfish is a renowned Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist, author of The Self-Aware Parent, and regular expert child psychologist on The Doctors, CBS TV, and co-star on WE tv.

“The reasons why people cheat are different for men versus women,” Dr. Walfish tells us.

“Men cheat at a significantly higher rate of frequency than women. Men become serial, repeated, cheaters because of early abandonment/separation trauma by their mother or father. Examples include divorce, a parent leaving and not returning, or an angry parent who rages toward the child unexpectedly and abusively, either physically or verbally,” explains Dr. Walfish.

In comparison, “Women cheat when they have sustained long periods of mistreatment in the relationship,” says Dr. Walfish, “In both male and female cases of cheating, both lack healthy communication skills to talk about the problems and issues underlying within the relationship that, if dealt with directly, could avoid infidelity.”

Dr. Kinsey agrees that there are different attitudes to cheating from men and women, in general, “The evolutionary roots of human sexuality almost certainly factor into infidelity as well. Sexual strategies of men and women tend to differ, and both men and women appear to be ambivalently monogamous creatures, albeit in different ways.”

“Differing approaches to propagation of genes are almost certainly at play when we speak about infidelity at the population level – for example, to explain why men cheat more than women,” adds Dr. Kinsey.

People cheat for their own individual reasons

Regardless of the wider genetic reasoning which can be applied to cheating, there are usually more immediate reasons for individuals to cheat.

“At the individual level, sexual exploration prior to marriage is usually about assessing one’s own status,” explains Dr. Kinsey, “Men and women both play around with different sexual partners as a way of evaluating how many indicators of status they can expect to safely attract in a future mate – safely meaning without fear over the partner being unfaithful.”

This thinking process can even apply to people in long term relationships. As Dr. Kinsey says, “In marriage or lifelong partnerships, cheating can be a result of premature commitment. When a couple gets married, has a child, or cohabitates before they have negotiated their place in society, any significant change in status that occurs thereafter could be destabilizing for a relationship. We often see stable pairings between older men and younger women because men tend to reach peak status later in life compared to women… and yes, many exceptions occur.”

Dr. Kinsey adds, “As he is known to do, Oscar Wilde captured the dynamics of cheating very succinctly when he quipped, ‘Everything in the world is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power.’”

Infidelity is closely linked to communication… or, lack of it

Male or female, one thing that many cases of cheating have in common is a breakdown of communication.

As Dr. Walfish explains, it triggers a domino effect on relationship issues, “One sure pathway to extra marital affairs is poor or breakdown in communication. Talking is the glue that holds people together. When folks stop talking about issues, especially resolving conflicts, sex stops and one may look outside the marriage for emotional and physical gratification.”

In fact, communication is one of Esther Perel’s number one pieces of advice for a strong relationship. “Listen. Just listen. You don’t have to agree. Just see if you can understand that there’s another person who has a completely different experience of the same reality,” she has said.

Is an emotional affair cheating?

It’s one of the most contentious arguments you can ever have in a relationship: an emotional affair refers to a non-sexual, but intimate relationship between two adults in other monogamous relationships. With private contact easier than ever, thanks to smartphones and dating apps, social media, and messaging, so-called ‘digital infidelity’ is one of the most common examples of this.

Despite the lack of physical sex, an emotional affair is cheating, says Dr. Walfish: “In my professional opinion, emotional affairs are a form of cheating.”

This form of infidelity can still be just as damaging to the relationship and hurtful for the partner who is cheated on – if not more.

“There are a couple of different reasons why people seek emotional affairs while in a relationship/marriage,” explains Dr. Walfish, “some folks use emotional affairs as a mechanism for avoiding true intimacy with their partner or spouse. They withhold communication of their feelings and share them with an outsider to keep a wedge between them and their spouse. This maintains a disconnector distance in the marital attachment. After all, talking is the glue that holds people together.” Again, it all comes back to communication.

“Also, people who are attracted to married or committed folks usually feel unworthy and undeserving of a complete loving relationship that includes give and take, or reciprocity – both emotionally and physically,” adds Dr. Walfish.

Though they start non-physical, emotional affairs can also become sexual, Walfish tells us. “Some emotional affairs turn physical, although many do not. Emotional affairs are usually more powerful than solely sexual relationships. However, when emotional affairs are coupled with sex, their potency is maximized,” she explains.

“Often, one or both partners engaged in the emotional affair chooses to refrain from sex, rationalizing to themselves thatwithout sex it is not really an ‘affair’,” says Walfish. But rather than doing so, this choice actually achieves the opposite, “This is a form of denial and lack of accountability, and shows a lack of willingness to own up to the betrayal of their spouse.”

How can cheating be prevented?

Like the gray areas surrounding cheating itself, there are no black and white rules to prevent cheating: human beings are complex characters. But, there are steps you can take to strengthen your relationship.

As Dr. Kinsey explains, it helps to be aware of and combat the above issues, which can make it more likely for someone to cheat.

“The best ways to prevent cheating are to be heedful of the factors that lead to cheating prior to making a commitment,” he says.

“First, recognize that very little can be learned about a person’s long-term viability as a romantic partner in the first three months of a relationship. During this phase, fantasy, idealization, wild excretions of hormones, and self-deception make inferences at this stage of a relationship highly suspect,” Dr. Kinsey advises.

“Second, pay close attention to how your partner deals with feelings of rejection, abandonment, hurt feelings, or any other pains that inevitably occur in the relationship,” these can be warning signs to other behaviors, Kinsey says, “Some acting out is tolerable, but if you consistently find out that your partner is mad about something after a retaliatory measure has been taken, this is a strong sign that your partner does not have the capacity to communicate in the way you need in a long-term partner.” It’s this trouble in communication which can be the root of infidelity.

“Third, be cognizant of how established each person in the couple is in life. If you meet in med school, chances are that both of you will be in the same elite sphere of society as you both mature. But, if you meet in college and one person is studying to be an engineer and the other a fine artist, understand that the road ahead could be bumpy,” warns Dr. Kinsey, “Of course this isn’t damning to a relationship, but it may be wise to reach a stable phase of your careers before making a commitment.”

“Finally, if you have concerns about having drifted apart but want very badly for the relationship to work, make repeated efforts to express your concern to your partner in a non-accusatory and empathic way,” poses Kinsey, “Suggest couples therapy or any other communication-enhancing intervention you feel is appropriate.”

With communication ever important, Dr. Kinsey even advises a very specific way to speak in such a situation. “When you communicate, try to capture the following tone: ‘I feel we’ve drifted apart due to factors that are neither one of our faults. I miss you and want us to take action to reconnect before it’s too late.’” This should communicate how you feel, and make the space to improve the relationship, in a non-threatening way.

Esther Perel, meanwhile, adds that cheating can say more about how one person feels about themselves than how they feel about their partner.

“One of the great discoveries and surprises in my research for The State of Affairs was to notice that people would come and say, “I love my partner; I’m having an affair.” That sometimes people even in satisfying relationships also stray—and they don’t stray because they are rejecting their relationship or because they are reacting to their relationship,” says Perel, ”They often stray not because they want to find another person but because they want to reconnect with a different version of themselves. It isn’t so much that they want to leave the person that they are with as much as sometimes they want to leave the person that they have themselves become.”

What to do if you think you are might be having an emotional affair

You might be wondering if you are technically cheating on your partner. After all, what is the difference between an emotional affair and being friends with someone? Dr. Walfish explains that there are some questions you can ask yourself to determine whether your relationship with this other person runs too deep.

“Some signs to look out for that you are having an emotional affair, or are at risk of turning your friendship with another person into an emotional affair, include that the person completely fills your mind’s mental space, and you think about him or her constantly; that you find yourself modifying your routine or schedule to see the person more frequently; the quantity and frequency of contact with him or her has increased, and that you have noticed your feelings for the other person deepen and intensify,” says Walfish.

So, if you are in the midst of a deep emotional triste with someone other than your partner, what do you do next?

Dr. Walfish says that you should turn to the experts: “My top tip to stop having an emotional affair is to get professional help. You need to declare your misgivings openly, and out loud, as a sort of confession. Hearing your own voice declare your behavior is your first step toward owning accountability for your behavior, which is a prerequisite for change.”

That doesn’t mean that you should confess right away to your partner, though, says Walfish, “I think it’s a mistake to disclose your emotional affair to your partner. It will only hurt your spouse and raise his or her suspicions and doubts about trusting you.”

“If you are truly committed to your therapy work you will change, so there is no need to rock the boat at home,” she adds.

What to do next if you have cheated or been cheated on

Deciding what to do next after infidelity is one of the toughest questions a couple can face. When is a relationship worth working at to repair, and how much damage is too much?

“Making sound decisions about the fate of a relationship is incredibly difficult because, quite frankly, humans are not wired to separate. We are notoriously bad at acting in accordance with what we know to be true in matters of the heart,” puts Dr. Kinsey.

There are different factors which can help you, decide, though.

“If cheating occurs within the first six months of a relationship, this is a strong sign that the relationship is ill-fated,” says Kinsey.

“After this, my general advice is that if your partner has a history of cheating and does not have a strong ability to communicate verbally – and has a strong proclivity to “act out” – then there is not much hope of the relationship working out,” Kinsey tells us that in this case, the outlook for the relationship’s survival is not good, “If you forgive, this will likely be implicitly perceived as carte blanche to cheat in the future. If you force your partner into therapy, little progress will be made without an earnest commitment and strong motivation from the offending partner.”

But not all relationships rocked by infidelity are doomed, he says: “If your partner is a rare example of someone who is genuinely remorseful, seems distraught about how his or her actions have impacted you, and vows to change by making a significant commitment to therapy, both in time and money, then there may be reason for hope.”

Dr. Walfish agrees that this can mean a relationship can be saved: “Genuine remorse, empathy for having hurt your partner, accountability, and demonstration of consistent change for the better with continuity are all reasons that I support a divorcing partner to change their mind and give it another chance.”

Esther Perel has said that just like the differences between men and women when it comes to cheating, there are also different stigma attached to choosing to stay and work on a relationship after infidelity.

“It’s worse for the men,” she said, in an interview with The Guardian, “I think people should be able to determine for themselves the choices that they will make and the consequences thereof. To just push people to divorce and to think that divorce is always the better solution when it dissolves all the family bonds… Entire lives are intertwined with a marriage. It isn’t just the relationship between the spouses. It is social networks, it’s lives of children, it’s grandchildren, it’s economics.”

Though, Dr. Kinsey cautions, “In most cases, however, partners who have personality deficits show very little remorse and grow tired of a partner who remains hurt after he or she has offered a small number of half-hearted apologies.”

He explains, “A strong sign that the relationship can be salvaged is when the following factors are present: A long relationship history with a track record of honest, vulnerable communication; sincere remorse expressed by the offending party; a mutual recognition that longstanding patterns of poor communication had been avoided or ignored, and motivation from both parties to get the relationship back on track.”

“The more of these factors are present, the better. The fewer, the worse the odds of the relationship surviving,” he adds.

If you have been cheated on – or been discovered to be having an affair – it can feel like the end of the world. Or, at least, your relationship (which is often much the same thing). But the good news is that, as relationships expert Esther Perel has found, an affair can even make a relationship stronger in the long run.

Perel has argued that while not ideal, “Many affairs are break-ups, but some affairs are make-ups. Sometimes the relationship that comes out is stronger, and more honest and deeper than the one that existed before because people finally step up.” There is reason to be optimistic, though, if you look hard enough. “The fact is, the majority of couples who have experienced affairs stay together, but some of them will merely survive and others will actually be able to turn a crisis into an opportunity,” says Perel in her TED Talk, which has been viewed more than 20million times, “They’ll be able to turn this into a generative experience.”

Bex April May is a professionally trained journalist and digital content expert, with ten years of experience writing for the biggest publications in the world, including The Guardian, IGN, Yahoo, MTV, Cosmo and more.

Can Trauma Affect Your Voice? An Interview with Elisa Monti, PhD

Published by Michael Kinsey, Ph.D.

Elisa Monti, PhD Bio

Elisa Monti is a voice-specialized experimental psychologist. She received her doctorate from The New School for Social Research. Her concentration is the relationship between psychological trauma and measures of voice. Her mission is to contribute to further understanding of the relationship between trauma and voice.

Elisa is a collaborator of the Helou Laboratory at the University of Pittsburgh and is affiliated with New York Speech Pathology. Elisa is now completing Level III Montello Method for Performance Wellness Certification and is certified in Vocal Psychotherapy (trained by Dr. Diane Austin). Elisa is the founder of the Voice and Trauma Research and Connection Group.

Dr. Monti’s Career Path

Q: Tell me a little about where you are now in your career and the path you’ve taken to get here.

Thank you for a question that helps me look back and reflect on what my path has been. My purpose in life is to contribute to the understanding of the relationship between psychological trauma and the voice. This “field” is not yet established and research still needs to go a long way. I have therefore founded voiceandtrauma.com, a platform for conversations among experts on this topic.

Currently, I call myself a researcher and a Performance Wellness therapist. The path to get here was certainly marked by educational steps, such as getting my PhD in experimental psychology and my certification in the Montello Method for Performance Wellness as well as my certification in Vocal Psychotherapy. I am passionate about research as it is the part that helps pose questions in a certain way and at least strive for some objectivity in my quest for answers about the links between traumatic experiences and voice.

My work as a Performance Wellness therapist helps me get closer to the inner world of individuals and it has been very humbling for me. My clients are generally creative individuals who deal with various kinds of emotional blocks, performance anxiety and trauma.

So, I would say that currently I am divided between research, client works, and connecting with others who share my same interest in the trauma-voice relationship.

What is Trauma?

Q: Trauma is a term thrown around a lot these days. How do you conceptualize trauma? What are the hallmarks? What are the common misconceptions you observe others having?

I think conceptualizations and terminology for trauma have been changing throughout the years. Trauma can be described as a particularly emotionally distressing event that happens to a person with potentially long-term effects on one’s wellbeing. Perhaps the most up-to-date conceptualization of trauma is that trauma is not necessarily the event itself, but trauma is how the nervous system responds to the event.

I think the hallmarks of trauma are several, but at the core is a change in one’s ability to deal with everyday situations in the same way that one used to before the trauma. Connecting with others may have become difficult, sounds may have become unbearable, falling asleep may be a challenge. One might see themselves and their world differently than they did before.

I believe that a big misconception is what “counts” as trauma and the frequency of trauma occurrence. If we think about childhood trauma specifically, survivors of abuse and neglect worldwide are at least 1 in 5, but if you ask individuals outside of the field to take a guess, they will probably tell you it’s 1 in 100 or something along those lines.

Also, I think people often focus on what they believe is “bad enough” to be considered trauma. Again, if one’s system reacts exhibiting post-traumatic reactivity, the person has suffered trauma. Importantly, on an ethical level, I think we cannot tell anyone that what they considered traumatizing is not.

Discovering the Connection Between Trauma and Voice

Q: How did you first become aware of the possible connection between trauma and the voice?

I initially became very fascinated with the connections between one’s past and the voice a very long time ago, when I was in musical theater school, specifically at the American Musical and Dramatic Academy.

I remember watching peers sing songs beautifully and flawlessly until they were in a particularly triggering situation, a personal rough patch or difficulties with specific professors around whom they felt insecure or vulnerable. Suddenly their voices were unable to do what they would normally do.

I remember being stunned by those instances, especially because no one seemed interested in discussing these potential connections. The “fix” was always technical, there was never an acknowledgment of the emotional mechanisms underlying elements in a voice changing suddenly.

How Trauma Affects the Voice

Q: How do you understand the connection between trauma and voice? What is the pathway through which trauma influences voice?

This is my favorite question as it is the question that my passion revolves around! The connection between trauma and voice is widely discussed, but not yet researched enough. There are probably several pathways that we still have to investigate.

One possible connection can exist in how trauma impacts physiology and therefore potentially the physiological systems of the vocal apparatus. The voice is incredibly complex, and because saying what we need to say comes so naturally, we often take this complexity for granted.

When we speak, several steps occur, beginning with respiration, then to phonation (vocal folds vibrating) to resonation (oral tract cavities change shape when we speak) to articulation (e.g. lips moving).

Also, the brain is involved in all of these mechanisms at various levels. One could argue that any of these elements could be physiologically indirectly influenced by trauma which can then impact the voice.

The investigative works needs to uncover all of these layers.

“Voice” as a Metaphor

Q: “Voice” is an interesting topic because it is a discrete, observable, physiological entity and it’s also used abstractly as a synonym for someone’s unique perspective. Voice is a literary term and a colloquial term referring to the distinctive way people express themselves. What are your thoughts on trauma and its potential to impact voice in the more abstract sense?

I love the numerous aspects of voice as well!

Generally, research approaches the voice in its acoustic, physiological or perceptual form.

I do certainly agree that the voice is a symbol of the “metaphorical” voice that we attribute to someone’s truth, perspective, self-expression. I think trauma can absolutely impact the voice in this more abstract sense, as sometimes trauma can make one feel afraid to say what they need to say, feel vulnerable in taking up space, or hesitant to be seen and heard.

Some scholars have actually argued that the abstract metaphorical meaning of voice is one of the pathways that can affect the actual voice. I think this is an interesting line of inquiry that can be further explored.

For example, there are case studies in speech language pathology discussing voice loss after the loss of loved one, or developing unexplained vocal tension when tension arises in a marriage. Also, cases have been reported of people who sound “strangled” when they are holding in guilt or an unbearable secret.

I personally find it very fascinating when people’s voices change when they talk about themselves as opposed to when they talk about someone else, such as suddenly sounding very high pitched and soft.

I think that the abstract, more metaphorical definition of “voice” and the actual voice often go hand in hand in mysterious ways that inform us about both.

Trauma and Voice: Now and the Future

Q: What are some of the most compelling findings on the link between trauma and the voice? Where do you see your research heading going forward?

I would say there are different findings, some have to do with vocal pathology and some have to do with “normal” voices.

There is a substantial body of literature on what we call ‘psychogenic voice disorders’ which are voices that become pathological as a result of psychological events – including trauma – in the absence of laryngeal pathology.

The links between trauma and non-pathological voices remain largely unexplored. An important article to know about is the paper that came out in 2019 by Marmar and colleagues about speech indices in the voices of veterans with posttraumatic stress disorder and without.

I have conducted a few preliminary studies myself where I have primarily explored the links between self-reported childhood trauma and interpersonal violence with acoustic measures of voice. Some are out there, and some are in the making.

Research is necessary to create a sense of direction that is currently lacking in the field.

Importantly, though not of empirical nature, the work by Dr. Diane Austin, the founder of Vocal Psychotherapy, needs to be kept in mind. Dr. Austin works a lot with the voice in trauma survivors and has written several case studies that can inspire both research and clinical work.

Supporting Dr. Monti’s Work

Q: How can people support you and/or your research?

The best way to support us is to visit our website voiceandtrauma.com and spread the word about our mission and our events!

Thank you.

I further realized in searching for a definition for passive-aggressive behavior, that even though the term can be found in the psychoanalytic literature, its use transcends any particular theoretical orientation and/or school of thought. Over the years, the term appears to have been appropriated by the masses, which I believe means two things:

Passive-Aggression is an easily recognizable phenomenon that intuitively resonates with most people and their real-life relationship and communication difficulties;
The easy shift from early psychoanalytic theory into common parlance likely means that the term was adopted before its observers had fully reached a consensus on its definition. That is to say, passive aggression received a dictionary definition rather than a rich, comprehensive, and precise definition that helps people to understand exactly what the term includes and excludes.

Although I can’t claim that the definitions of passive-aggressive behavior presented here are authoritative, I believe them to be insightful explanations of passive-aggressive phenomena. To help give people the full picture of passive-aggression, I invited 13 experts to weigh in on the definition of passive-aggressive, whether or not there are subclassifications of passive-aggressive behavior, and how people should go about dealing with passive-aggressive loved ones.

N.B. I don’t include many of my own thoughts on the matter in this post, as I have provided my practical advice on how to deal with passive-aggressive behavior from loved ones in another post. You can read it here. The places I have added my own flourishes, I’ve marked with an “*”.

What is the Definition of Passive-Aggressive Behavior? A Summary of What the Experts Said:

A behavior or set of behaviors;
The behaviors are potentially chronic and compulsive to the point of being a defining personality feature;
These behaviors are indirect & non-assertive;
Said behaviors appear innocuous on the surface and provide the actor a cloak of deniability*;
The behaviors express aggression, including (but not limited to) hostility, anger, dislike, frustration, resentment, resistance, and annoyance;
In addition to expressing aggressive sentiment, passive-aggressive behaviors express a need / want or opposition / rebellion
The “passive” in “passive-aggressive” is a manifestation of the core internal conflict between aggression and dependency needs*;
Passivity stems from a lack of confidence and/or a feeling of disempowerment
The internal or “intrapsychic conflict” can be seen in the Discordance between what is said, the tone of what is said, and the resulting action;
Opposition is expressed as false compliance;
Non-compliance implicitly conveys a claim to power;
Passive actor’s claim to power stems from activation of the recipient’s core annihilation anxieties–especially fear of abandonment & losing control*.

Types of Passive-Aggressive Behavior:

Forgetting
Sabotage
Hidden Meanings (with “plausible deniability”)
Target-focused
- (I’m mad at YOU);
Other-focused
- (I’m mad at someone we both know; e.g., gossip);
Self-deprecation / Martyrdom / Masochism / Self-Destruction / Self-Defeating Behavior
Lying (by commission, and especially omission);
Apparent or Momentary Compliance;
Disguised Revenge;
Withholding.
- E.g., effort (e.g., lateness, procrastinating, postponing, doing a poor job), sex, affection, money, etc.

Examples of Passive-Aggressive Behavior:

Sabotaging
Sarcasm or subtle, disguised insults (potentially even as compliments)
Gossiping
Self-harm
Blaming others or making excuses
Playing the victim, masochism, Acts of martyrdom
Sulking
Ignoring, The “Silent Treatment”
Avoiding clear, reparative communication
“Forgetting” to do a chore/task
Doing an agreed-upon chore or task poorly
Doing the thing and acting sullen about it
Lack of eye contact and/or eye-rolling
An aggravated tone
Grumpiness
Action/Inaction (e.g., leaving the toilet seat up when they know it bothers you, or not taking out the trash when it’s their turn).”

Tips on Dealing with Passive-Aggressive Behavior:

Revisit instances of passive-aggressive behavior later (as Fred Pine would say, “strike while the iron is cold”;
Gently ask if the person is willing to take a risk and share;
Expose passive-aggressive behavior to the light: confront it calmly, directly, and assertively;
Be consistent in setting limits around passive-aggressive behavior such that the avoidance inherent to the passivity does not become a reinforced behavior
Privately record instances of passive-aggressive behavior to illustrate the validity of your concern;
Set a time to discuss with the passive-aggressive person, illustrate your concerns with collected examples, and focus on how the behaviors impacted you;
Seek the help of a therapist and invite the passive-aggressive party to communicate in the presence of someone trained to address these issues;
Work towards your own understanding of why the passive-aggressive person expresses discontent the way they do. Draw upon this understanding to prevent taking passive-aggressive behavior personally;
Adopt a stance of curiosity rather than offense, indignance, or moralism;
Model the direct, non-threatening, communication you expect from the other person, communicating that both of you can trust the other more by engaging one another in such a manner;
Be transparent (yet non-accusatory) with the passive-aggressive person;
Draw out the passive-aggressive person by creating emotional safety;
Enhance emotional safety by validating fear and anxiety around direct communication (i.e., the fear of rejection and abandonment);
Focus on listening and validating when negative feelings are expressed (or as Douglas Noll says “listen into existence”);
Designate weekly times where both parties in a relationship can practice airing grievances, expressing feelings, and communicating their needs in a non-threatening manner as a way of building a norm of open, honest communication;
Assert your own boundaries and needs in response to the passive-aggressive behavior;
Cultivate a mindset of acceptance around passive-aggressive behavior as a way of not making it about you;
Consider taking an extinguishing approach, ignoring passive-aggressive outbursts and thus providing neither positive nor negative reinforcement (taking care not to be engaging in retaliatory passive-aggressive behavior);
Avoid the trap of acting from a place of guilt, giving yourself permission to take necessary measures to maintain your own wellbeing–this includes being willing to end the relationship.

Honing In On A Definition For Passive-Aggressive Behavior?

Diving deeper into what each of the 13 health, mental health, and relationship experts defined passive-aggressive behavior, let’s look at them one by one.

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C, Couples Counselor

“Passive-aggressive behavior is when a person acts in a way that is resistant or hostile to someone else without being upfront about their intentions, couching their words or actions in behaviors that superficially seem innocuous but in fact are communicating their negative feelings indirectly.”

Classifying Ways of being Passive-Aggressive:

Bilek distinguishes between three categories of passive-aggressive behavior:

“Forgetting: you pretend to or deliberately forget to do something such that the other person is inconvenienced, offended, or harmed by the oversight. For example, you neglect to pack your partner’s shirts when preparing for a trip, and when you arrive, they have no shirts to wear.
Sabotage: you intentionally mess something up while insisting it wasn’t on purpose. For example, you are angry at your spouse so you break their favorite mug while washing the dishes, claiming it was an accident.
Hidden meanings: you make a comment that is intended to be hurtful but insist that it was not. For example, you ask a sarcastic question but then insist you meant it genuinely.”

Raffi Bilek’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:

“A helpful way of dealing with such behavior is to avoid confronting it head on, but rather to circle back to it later and then ask them what’s up. You can point to what happened, saying something like, ‘you know, I noticed that you sounded a little upset when you made that comment earlier’ – then you ask them if they can share with you what might be upsetting them – ‘is something bothering you that you can tell me about? I’d like to hear what’s going on for you.’
This assumes that there is a certain level of open communication in your relationship. If the channel of communication isn’t very open, that would be a good place to start in dealing with a problem of passive-aggressive behavior.”
-Raffi Bilek

Lee Keyes, PhD, Licensed Psychologist / Consultant

“Behaving and communicating aggressively, but in an indirect manner (which is what makes it passive). This can occur through veiled aggressiveness (negative innuendo or teasing) in the presence of the “target,” or through more hostile aggressiveness about the target to one or more others. This second type may also be called mobilization or triangulation. It is a very destructive pattern, partly because of the harm it produces, but also because it provides no immediately healthy or obvious means to resolve the conflict, which only belongs to the two parties involved.”

Classifying Ways of being Passive-Aggressive:

Dr. Keyes classifies passive-aggressive behavior as falling into one of two categories:

Target-focused
Other-focused

In the former, the aggrieved party directs passive-aggressive behavior at the offender. In the latter, the passive-aggressive person triangulates a third party or parties through gossip, conspiratorial action, and/or other schemes.

Lee Keyes’ Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:

“Just like vampires, passive-aggressiveness thrives in the dark, and can be managed by shedding light on it. In the context of relationships this means addressing the offender directly, calmly, and firmly. Should a third party share the passive-aggressive behavior back to you, you could respond by saying ‘That doesn’t match any facts as I know them,’ and/or ‘I’m always open to communicating directly with anyone who has concerns about me. Send them my way.’ This second option is also an effort to de-triangulate the third party from the conflict. These are not easy tasks and there is no one perfect response. So practice it and you will get better with time.”
-Lee Keyes

Natasha Ivanović, Forensic Psychologist / Writer

“Passive-aggressive behavior is when someone is harboring negative feelings indirectly to someone. Instead of the person expressing how they feel, they use tactics such as blaming others, victimization, sulking, ignoring, and non-communication. We can all behave in a passive-aggressive manner from time to time, but the frequency is what makes passive-aggressiveness toxic and abusive.”

Natasha Ivanović’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:

“It’s easy to give in when someone you love is behaving passive aggressively, but it’s important to avoid enabling them. If you allow this behavior, they have no incentive to change.”
-Natasha Ivanović

Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill, LMFT Marriage & Family Psychotherapist / Ed.S. Marriage & Family Psychotherapy / Author

“Working with couples over many years, I have seen passive-aggressive behaviors destroy marriages. Passive aggressiveness is classified as a personality disorder, it is complicated and difficult to change. Individual psychotherapy can be helpful, and as well, I have found, my work with couples in looking closely at how this disorder is harming their relationship can provide motivation for awareness and then some change-ups for the couple.”

Gilchrest O’Neill offers several examples of how passive-aggressive behavior manifests. She states:

“Defining passive-aggressive with behavioral examples:

Using sarcasm too often — blaming others about situations that are clearly about their own making
procrastinating and/or not remembering to do something a spouse or boss has asked of them; no sense of urgency
Resentment over requests from others
Being unable to be emotionally open — often angry, hostile in describing a passive-aggressive spouse”

Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:

“I would suggest that the partner struggling should:

Watch carefully over a period of time and jot notes down on situations that best exemplify the passive aggressive behavior
Ask their partner ahead of time to agree on a meeting to discuss your struggle; you may find this gets rescheduled several times, be patient and calm
If the meeting never happens, seek out the help of a therapist, asking your partner to attend an initial session with you
Even if a meeting happens, chances are, eventually, you will still need to seek out the help of a therapist — passive-aggressive behavior, unfortunately is very difficult to get under control”
– Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill

John Kenny, “The Relationship Guy” / Relationship Coach

“Passive-aggressive behavior can be defined as when someone does not openly address their negative feelings towards someone/something, but instead addresses things indirectly.”

Classifying Ways of being Passive-Aggressive:

“I would suggest that you could break down passive-aggressive into 3 types of category:

Acting out by aiming their indirect behavior at the person they are angry with.
Negatively discussing the person they are unhappy with to others – trying to get them on side or see the person badly.
Self-Deprecation – putting themselves down or harming themselves in order to manage their emotions.”

Kenny also outlines some of the most frequent examples of passive-aggressive behavior. These include:

Sabotaging
Sarcasm/Disguised Insults
Gossiping
The silent treatment
Self-harm

John Kenny’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:

“The reason that the person exhibits this type of behavior is because they do not know how to or are unable to address how they feel openly. If you are willing to offer them a safe space in order to express themselves, then you will create the opposite environment that triggered their way of dealing with things in the first place. It is okay for you to address it with them as well, letting them know that you are aware that they are struggling with something but the way they are dealing with it is not appropriate. Knowing that they have an issue expressing themselves means that you do not have take it personally and that will help you to see the behavior more objectively and less emotionally.”
-John Kenny

Talia Litman, Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT)

“Passive aggression is the indirect communication of anger, annoyance, frustration, or irritability. To take it a level deeper, passive aggression is the indirect communication of a need that’s not being met, which is nestled beneath the anger, such as a desire for connection, appreciation, or respect.”

According to Litman, “passive aggression takes lots of forms:

An aggravated tone
Silent treatment
Subtle insults
Sarcasm
Grumpiness
Action/Inaction (e.g., leaving the toilet seat up when they know it bothers you, or not taking out the trash when it’s their turn).”

Talia Litman’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:

“When you notice or suspect your partner is acting passive-aggressively, try not to get critical or defensive, and get curious instead. Recognize that they have a need that’s not being met, and they’re struggling to communicate it directly. Ask them when is a good time to talk. Let them know that you’ve noticed they seem a bit upset or irritated (you can give examples).
Ask them if there’s anything they want to share so you can understand better what they’re going through. You can also ask if there’s anything you can do to help.
Stay calm and non-reactive, even if their frustration is related to you. By wanting to learn about their needs and concerns, you are showing you care about them and the relationship. You are also role-modeling open communication which, if you both practice often enough, will reduce passive-aggressive exchanges between you. When you’re communicating honestly and regularly, there’s no need to communicate in a passive, less effective way.”
-Talia Litman

Douglas Noll, JD / MA / Professor / Author /Peacemaker / Mediator

‘Any behavior when a person says ‘yes’ in apparent obediance or obesiance and actually does the opposite. In other words, passive-aggressive people say ‘yes’ and do ‘no.'”

Classifying Ways of being Passive-Aggressive:

Instead of offering “types” of passive-aggressive behavior, Noll approaches passive-aggressive behavior from the standpoint of contextual features that result in passive-aggressiveness. The contexts in which people prone to passive-aggressiveness tend to express passive-aggressive behavior include:

“The passive-aggressive person is conflict incompetent and therefore avoids the painful emotions of conflict at all costs.
The passive-aggressive person does not know how to negotiate for what she/he needs or wants and resorts to manipulation.
The passive-aggressive person perceives himself/herself in a position of low power or status and therefore is obligated by the norms of the hierarchy to agree to things not liked. Passive-aggressiveness is a way to assert power without rocking the boat or upsetting the power structure.
The passive-aggressive person is a dysfunctional pleaser with an unconscious desire to be liked, even at the expense of personal integrity.”

Douglas Noll’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:

“Create emotional safety
Talk about the fear by listening to your partner’s anxiety
Recognize and acknowledge your partner’s deep-seated fear of abandonment and rejection.
Listen and validate your partner’s emotional experience. I call this ‘listening your partner into existence.'”
-Douglas Noll

Jennifer Hamady, Author / Therapist

“Passive aggression is a form of communication stemming from a lack of confidence in the outcome of that communication or a sense of disempowerment in the dynamic.”

Jennifer Hamady’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:

“In intimate relationships, prioritizing healthy communication is critical. It is the backbone of a strong relational dynamic, as well as growth together as a couple. Passive-aggression emerges when one or both people feel unheard, unloved, or that their needs and wants are not being met.
It’s tempting to tackle the passive aggression head on. But it’s important to remember that it is generally symptomatic of greater concerns, which should be the focus. Scheduling a daily or weekly time where both people can share their fears, concerns, and frustrations– uninterrupted– and be heard is an important first step, followed by creating agreed upon shifts in behavior. By co-creating predictable and positive outcomes, as well as regular time for sharing and listening to one another, frustration begins to dissipate and along with it, passive-aggression.”
-Jennifer Hamady

Nancy Irwin, PsyD, Clinical Psychologist

“Any behavior that is not assertive or exclusively aggressive or passive. It is behavior that appears to be passive, but is in reality masking aggression.”

Classifying Ways of being Passive-Aggressive:

“Martyrdom can be considered a sub-category of passive-aggressive behavior. It appears the person is ‘taking one for the team’ but in reality is holding something up as a lesson for others, or creating needless guilt.
Lying can also be considered a sub-category of p-a behavior. Sometimes people lie to keep up appearances or to people please, but in reality are withholding the truth.”

Nancy Irwin’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:

“Create a safe environment where they can feel safe telling the truth, being assertive, and transparent. This may include couples therapy, or reading self-help books on assertive communication. It certainly can be learned.”
-Nancy Irwin

Sandra Larson, Nurse / Relationship Expert

“Passive aggressive behavior entails expressing negative feelings indirectly instead of addressing them openly. This maintained communication pattern is associated with a blatant disconnect between what the passive aggressive individual is saying and doing. For instance, a person might seem to be agreeing with your instructions, even more enthusiastically, but then fail to act on it or match the passion shown.”

Classifying Ways of being Passive-Aggressive:

“There are different levels of passive aggression. What distinguishes the aggression levels is how far the person is willing to go to get back to you or other people. The categories are;
Momentary Compliance. This is the most common form of passive aggression. The individual will usually agree with you but will intentionally delay their behavioral reaction. Besides delaying to act, they deliberately act inadequately in full disregard of the end result.
Disguised Revenge. Here, the passive-aggressive person deliberately fails to act accordingly or takes a covert action to initiate anguish. The individual sabotages your progress by either failing to act as agreed or doing something evil as a way of getting back to you.
Self Destruction: The last category of passive aggression involves the person putting their well-being on the line to get back at you. This pathological behavior might include inflicting harm or enduring an uncomfortable spell to make a point.”

Sandra Larson’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:

“If your partner exhibits passive-aggressive behavior, try as much to identify the aggression triggers and set healthy boundaries for yourself. Playing the passive-aggressive game can be hard and taxing on the relationship and it will take time to work out how to go about it.
So, identify what triggers the aggression, approach your partner with empathy, and initiate the discussion. Whether it’s low self-esteem or the feeling of inadequacy, accept the situation and find ways to get a discussion going. Remember, eliminating the behavior can be challenging, but involving a therapist can be helpful.
Most partners won’t even acknowledge the behavior at first. A therapy session helps your partner hear from a neutral party and possibly open up about the triggers. It might take some time, but this might be the start of a healing process, and most importantly, better communication in the future.”
-Sandra Larson

Brooke Smith, PhD, Business Consultant / MindBody Expert

“Passive aggressive behavior is an indirect expression of opposition. It’s characterized by direct or verbal agreement followed by indirect or non-verbal resistance, anger, or resentment.”

Classifying Ways of being Passive-Aggressive:

“There is no universally accepted sub-categorization of passive aggression. For the reader, the most important distinction is what behaviors they are willing to accept in their loved one vs behaviors that are absolute dealbreakers. Even the most loving, well-adjusted adults are likely to behave a little bit passive-aggressively, once in a while. I’ll admit – I like to be punctual, but for events I don’t really want to go to I wait to get ready until the last possible moment. Given that most adults have the capacity for some passive-aggressive behavior, the thing we really need to be clear on in our relationships is what we are and are not willing to accept.”

Dr. Smith offers the following examples of passive-aggressive behavior:

“‘forgetting’ to do a chore/task
intentionally doing a chore/task poorly
doing the thing and acting sullen about it
lack of eye contact
making excuses
ignoring someone in a conversation
criticisms disguised as compliments or jokes”

Brooke Smith’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:

“The number one rule of dealing with other people is that you cannot change them. Period. People can and do change, but it’s because they choose to. Don’t ever make decisions about a relationship from the stance of hoping they will change.
How does this apply to dealing with a loved one’s passive aggressive behavior?
Know that it has nothing to do with you. Your partner’s passive-aggressive behavior is *their* avoidance strategy. You aren’t making them behave in this way. It’s not your fault. And it’s not a reflection of you as an individual or your relationship with them.
You do choose how to respond. You can choose to not engage with passive-aggressive behavior. Remember, if you choose to not play along, you aren’t doing this out of the hopes that you will train them to behave differently. You can, however, choose to not engage with it because it is simply not worthwhile for you.
You also get to choose whether to maintain a close relationship with this person. You are allowed to end a relationship that isn’t working for you, or spend less time with this person. You get to choose who you want to be around, and how much.
You are also allowed to maintain a close relationship and accept their passive-aggressive behavior. You’re a grown up and you can choose to have a close relationship with someone who exhibits passive-aggressive behavior. Whatever you do, know that there is great power in accepting that you cannot change other people. The first and most obvious step is to stop outwardly trying to change them. The real magic is in letting go of the quiet wish that they were different, or the lingering hope that they’ll change.
Accepting people as they are and expecting that they will continue to be who they are (and, if they do change, it will have nothing to do with you and might not be what you want) empowers you to focus your time and energy on the things you CAN influence like how you show up, who you keep close, and what you spend time on.”
-Brooke Smith

Christian de la Huerta, Spiritual Teacher / Transformation Coach / Author

“Passive-Aggressiveness is a way of rebelling, an attempt to unhealthily and indirectly assert our power, though not very gracefully or, in the long term, effectively. On the outside we may be saying “Yes, dear,” while internally, perhaps even subconsciously, we are thinking: “Screw you; I’ll do it when I’m good and ready. I’ll show you who has the real power here.”
This pattern of behavior often reveals itself in the workplace, by sabotaging projects, for example, or dragging our feet, slowing down production. We may be saying ‘yes’ but our actions reveal ‘no.’ In personal relationships, withholding sex can be an expression of passive-aggressiveness—an even more complex form of resistance. We may say ‘Sorry, honey, I have a headache,’ but our internal dialogue may be more like: “Hell will freeze over before you get any tonight!’ As poet and playwright Oscar Wilde quipped with his inimitable wit and piercing perspective into human nature: ‘Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.’
What’s the downside? How does passive-aggressiveness harm us? Even though this behavior is often subconscious, saying one thing and being another generates internal conflict and requires high levels of psychic energy expenditure. We deny—even to ourselves—that we are acting out in a rebellious or resistant manner. Ultimately, it is neither empowering nor satisfying. Though this, like other power games, might bring about some immediate pleasure, such as driving another to the point of exasperation and losing their cool, that feeling is temporary and does not provide the relief that an authentic expression of personal power brings about. Even to ourselves, if we are honest, it feels sneaky, subterranean, and lame. At some level we know we are weaseling out of a confrontation.
There is such freedom—and power—in just being ourselves and simply saying what works for us and what does not!”

Christian de la Huerta’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:

“Ideally, they would have to be open to doing their work, meaning being willing to feel uncomfortable feelings and having potentially difficult conversations to get to the core of what was really going on.
The strategy would be to create a safe space in which they were able to communicate what was really going on under the surface. They would have to feel safe enough in the container of the relationship to communicate their feelings of anger, grief, betrayal or disappointment—what works and doesn’t work for them. That may lead to even deeper feelings about how they felt as a result of a given circumstance or behavior. Being able to hold that space with acceptance and equanimity even when being blamed or asked to hold responsibility for something is not easy. That’s why professional help would be recommended.”
-Christian de la Huerta

Valentina Dragomir, Licensed Psychotherapist

“We define as passive-aggressive a set of behaviors that show an indirect expression of feelings of frustration, dislike or anger. Passive-aggressive behavior stems from a person’s inability to assertively express how they feel and what they actually want. Communicating assertively and being emotionally open is not easy sometimes, so a person may find it easier to do something passive-aggressive to deal with a problem.”

Classifying Ways of being Passive-Aggressive:

“There are a few common types of passive aggression that I have encountered:
Postponing to do something or doing it wrong: not being able to say no, some people accept tasks that they don’t want to do and as a consequence, they will keep postponing the tasks or do them wrong or incomplete to send their message.
Forgetting to do something the person initially agreed to do: if this happens almost all the time, the person being unable to keep their promises (appointments/commitments), he/she might not be able to say no in the first place. Forgetting is one way to express this.
Purposefully seeking hidden revenge: some people who avoid confrontations or conflicts and still want to get back at someone who did them wrong, might do something to get their revenge. They might post something vague on social media that might refer to that person or purposefully send a mean message to the ‘wrong person’.”

Valentina Dragomir’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:

“Assertive communication can help deal with a loved one’s or intimate partner’s passive-aggressive behavior. The ‘I’ statements help by not blaming and putting pressure on your loved one.
When you ask him/her to do something, be sure to be very specific in your request. Another way assertive communication helps is by providing an example of communication your significant other can learn. This type of communication helps people who have passive aggressive behavior talk openly about their difficulties, needs and wants, which in time can replace passive-aggression.
Be consistent with your requests and have patience. Appreciate your partner when the tasks or requests are completed without difficulty. This is important, as he/she can learn through positive validation to overcome passive-aggression.”
-Valentina Dragomir

Tolstoy’s insights into passive-aggressive people in Anna Karenina:
“[He]…made the observation that when one is uncomfortable with people from their being excessively amenable & meek, one is apt very soon after to find things intolerable from their touchiness & irritability.” pic.twitter.com/q2SvcSmr3p
— Michael Kinsey, Ph.D. (@mindsplain) December 1, 2020

Wrapping Up

In this article, I’ve attempted to crowd-source expert perspectives on definitions, types, and examples of passive-aggressive behavior. The experts presented here collectively painted a picture of a broad concept that includes a wide array of phenomena. I’m grateful to the experts who took the time to provide their insights; they’ve provided a solid foundation for a continuing dialogue on the definition of passive-aggressive. I invite readers to comment with questions and to share some of the ways that they are able to bring these varied perspectives into a unified definition.

Alex Kriss, Ph.D., on “The Gaming Mind: A New Psychology of Videogames and the Power of Play”

Published by Michael Kinsey, Ph.D.

Alexander Kriss, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and author based in New York. His first book, The Gaming Mind: A New Psychology of Videogames and the Power of Play, was published in 2019.

He graduated from New York University’s Tisch School of the Arts with a B.F.A. in playwriting. He received his M.A. and Ph.D. in clinical psychology at The New School for Social Research. He is also an adjunct professor of psychology at The City College of New York and Fordham University.

He has written about the intersection of mental health and technology for Salon, Psychology Today, and Logic.

Alex Kriss on “The Gaming Mind: A New Psychology of Videogames and the Power of Play”

Q: What inspired you to write The Gaming Mind: A New Psychology of Videogames and the Power of Play?

AK: I started playing videogames with my father when I was five years old. They were an important part of my life throughout childhood, adolescence, and into adulthood, though I didn’t necessarily appreciate how important for a long time. As I began to develop a professional identity as a clinical psychologist, it seemed necessary to segregate that part of myself from the part that played games. Our culture tends to dismiss games as frivolous, at best, if not outright dangerous, and so for a time games and players were not at all something I studied or worked with as a clinician. Then I began to notice how frequently people were presenting to the settings in which I worked with a history of playing games, and how incurious my colleagues tended to be about this part of their psychology. Even those who were open to the notion that game-playing could be meaningful to a person had no real resources to turn to in order to better understand. Almost everything that existed in the professional or lay literature centered on games as a malevolent cause of addiction and violence.

So, I began to think about games — including my own relationship with them — more seriously, and through that process began to explore digital life more regularly in my work with patients. Over the course of about five years this culminated in writing The Gaming Mind, which is a humanistic look at why we play games and how they can be a window into who we are, what we are struggling with, and the people we might become.

What are the core psychic benefits of play?

Q: What are the most essential elements of play and what do you see as the core psychic benefits of play?

AK: Play is, above all else, the process of exploring different possibilities within a safe, contained space. This is a paraphrase of the definition given to play by Donald Winnicott, who wrote of the “potential space” that is formed when two or more people come together and intermingle their internal worlds with external reality. In this way play is a fundamental and universal means for people to learn more about themselves and others without becoming overwhelmed.

Play can facilitate joy, anger, competition, feelings of power and helplessness, all within the boundaries of the play space. Once play stops, all the players go back to being themselves. It is a means of trying on different hats — emotional states, identities, relationships with others — without needing to commit to wearing any beyond the duration of play itself.

Accessing other worlds through video games

Q: What do you see as the traditional elements of play that get preserved in popular video games? Which elements of play do you see getting lost?

AK: Video games are without question one means of creating potential space, of entering into an environment in which the player can explore different aspects of themselves while interacting with an external reality.

Unlike other forms of play —such as pretend play, sports, board games, or intellectual repartee — the boundaries of video games are defined less by other people than the computer, the software.

Video games occupy a unique paradox in this way: they realize other worlds far more vividly than most other forms of play, yet the rules dictating how the player interacts with those worlds are far less flexible.

Misconceptions of video games

Q: What are some of the most common misconceptions parents and social critics have about video games?

AK: The idea that video games cause violence is probably the most insidious and incorrect idea that many people carry. It’s a conclusion that emerged out of political fervor post-Columbine at the turn of the millennium, and the social sciences — especially psychology — did not do an adequate job maintaining objectivity amidst the tumult.

The truth is, videogames do not cause anything in particular. They are not a monolithic force, but a diverse art form that players enter into a relationship with.

How to talk about video games with your child

Q: What advice would you give to parents who are struggling to create limits and expectations around their child’s video game usage?

AK: The most important prerequisite to helping a child maintain healthy boundaries with games is to show curiosity in their play, and to take their interest in play seriously.

If a parent sees themselves as being at war with a video game, wrestling with it for their child’s attention, the child is being primed to become oppositional in the face of limit-setting.

If, however, the child has a sense that the parent understands the importance of games to them, the parent gains greater credibility as a limit-setter, and the act of creating a boundary is less fraught with anxiety and conflict.

In short, I would (and do) advise parents to talk to their children about the games they play, and why, not just about the restrictions related to them.

Benefits of video games

Q: What are some of the overlooked psychic benefits of video games?

AK: There are so many different kinds of games that offer so many different kinds of social and emotional experiences.

They are a means to access aspects of the self and relationships that a player may struggle to make contact with in the so-called real world.

Often when it seems that a person is spending an inordinate amount of time playing a game, the assumption is that the game is the problem and removing it from the person’s life would improve their situation.

In my work I usually find that, in fact, it is in the game that the person has found a way to feel most like themselves. Perhaps they have achieved a sense of competence and mastery, or found an online community, that has up until that point eluded them in physical reality.

The goal, then, is not to remove the game from their life, but to help them find ways to bring their virtual self more and more into their broader world.

Dr. Kriss’ therapy practice

Q: How would you describe your way of working with patients? Who do you generally see? How can people get in touch with you who might be interested in becoming a patient of yours?

AK: I work with adolescents and adults dealing with a wide range of issues, including anxiety, depression, borderline personality disorder, and compulsive relationships with digital media.

My approach is open-ended and exploratory, drawing from psychoanalytic and existential traditions.

More information about my practice and writing, including contact information, can be found on my website, www.alexkriss.com.

Transcendent Parenting: Workbook for Parents Sharing Children with Narcissists

Transcendent Parenting: A Workbook For Parents Sharing Children With Narcissists

Published by Michael Kinsey, Ph.D.

Transcendent Parenting: A Workbook For Parents Sharing Children With Narcissists is a new book by Michael Kinsey, Ph.D. He developed the Transcendent Parenting system with the aim to of keeping you and your child focused on the things that matter most, rather than becoming caught up in time-consuming, energy-depleting, petty conflict with a narcissist.

Here is an interview with the author.

What is Transcendent Parenting (TP)?

I developed Transcendent Parenting to help mothers and fathers who have children with narcissists navigate the never-ending flow of annoyances that arise from collaborating and coordinating with narcissists. Narcissists have a way of making very simple transactions complicated and contentious.

The philosophy behind Transcendent Parenting is based in the emotional dynamics of narcissism. In particular, I find that narcissists consistently jockey to be the favored parent, the “good guy/gal,” the fun one, the laid back one, etc. This usually translates into a lot of provocations of the ex and manipulation of the child.

Transcendent Parenting is designed to help parents sniff out narcissistic behavior and respond in ways that are effective, aligned with parents’ values as well as the needs of children.

Who is Transcendent Parenting for?

In many ways, Transcendent Parenting is a system that works for any parent struggling to adjust to a co-parenting situation. Even “normal” people (that is, non-narcissists) become more narcissistic when the ego gets bruised in the harrowing trials of separations and divorce. Primarily though, I wrote Transcendent Parenting for the ex-partners and ex-spouses of narcissists that have children with the narcissist ex.

Unfortunately, far too many variations of this type of arrangement make writing a step-by-step, practical guide nearly impossible. There are a million ways narcissists’ relationships implode. Instead of trying to give concrete and practical tips, Transcendent Parenting aims to help parents do the work of coping, reflecting on values, and setting big-picture goals that will prevent parents from getting baited into petty feuds.

I would not recommend Transcendent Parenting: A Workbook For Parents Sharing Children With Narcissists as a stand-alone system for dealing with coercive control and/or domestic violence. However, Transcendent Parenting does provide an essential perspective for any parent who needs to communicate with a narcissist for the sake of a child.

What do you see as the main challenges that the ex’s of narcissists face while co-parenting children?

The main challenge is morale. Narcissists wear their opponents down. The reason narcissists are so maligned, I believe, is because they are skilled in getting others to lose their way, doubt their own minds, and feel completely incompetent.

Parenting is incredibly challenging without a saboteur attempting to derail parenting efforts. Finding a way to connect with goals and values, as well as devising ways to validate angry and painful experiences is the best way to keep parents’ spirits up.

Is Transcendent Parenting a co-parenting approach to raising children with Narcissists?

Many survivors of narcissistic abuse contend that traditional “co-parenting” with narcissists is a fool’s errand. I believe this is valid in many cases. However, I don’t believe that there is a foolproof way to deal with parenting alongside a narcissist. Some situations require a co-parenting approach, other situations demand parallel or so-called “counter-parenting.”

Transcendent Parenting is a system that can flexibly accommodate many different philosophies and approaches to raising a child shared with a narcissist.

I believe parents need to be empowered to find what works with their narcissists and their circumstances. Transcendent Parenting allows parents to adopt a strength-based approach to parenting, develop a better understanding of how narcissists work to undermine them, work towards acceptance of highly unfavorable parenting conditions, and acting in a manner that allows parents to feel proud whether the narcissist and/or the child approve of the actions taken.

Can you share some of what people can expect from the workbook? What can readers/users expect to get out of the content?

Sure. One the first thing readers will learn is some of the nuts and bolts of my integrative model of narcissism. I’ve drawn from several theoretical models of narcissism to create one that really does help people understand the mind of the narcissist and cope with antagonistic behavior.

Second, the workbook contains several invaluable assessment tools. These tools help to create clarity around what are a parent’s strengths, weaknesses, goals, and values. Readers can also apply the tools to their children and narcissists. Using these tools sheds light on how a parent can focus his/her effort to meet a child’s needs and support the relationship the child has with the narcissist without internal conflict.

Third, readers will encounter challenging but affirming information about what difficulties they will encounter, what they will need to do to stay on track, and how to help their children and themselves contextualize the narcissist’s behavior in favorable ways while still allowing for anger and hatred that lingers from past and present offences.

People will find much more in the workbook, of course. I’m making a digital copy of the book available for free during the month of September, 2020. I encourage parents to take advantage of this resource while it’s still available free of charge.

To download your FREE copy of the first two chapters, subscribe to the Mindsplain newsletter

The full version of Transcendent Parenting: A Workbook For Parents Sharing Children With Narcissists is available for purchase HERE.

What people are saying

Highly recommend anyone who’s suffered abuse to look at @mindsplain some of the best analysis+understanding of abusive behaviour just bought his book “transcendent parenting” 👏👏👏 https://t.co/3KtkHjuZP8
— Just another court ordered mum (@HM63048666) November 4, 2020

Dear Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse: Own Your Healthy Narcissism!

Published by Michael Kinsey, Ph.D.

Introduction

Search Narcissism on the internet and you’ll see that evocative word does not fill people up with the warm fuzzies that a word like “puppies” might. Anger, despondent wails, grievances and other cries of unfairness would overwhelm anyone who takes the time to sample content from social media, forums, and blogs on the subject. And yet I think we need to change our attitude towards the word. A revered mentor of mine, David Shapiro, used to say that he was unimpressed by Narcissism as a diagnostic label. “Everyone’s narcissistic,” he’d say. “Narcissism is a developmental stage. It’s not really a personality organization,” he elaborated. Narcissism is one of the few topics on which Dr. Shapiro and I disagree. And even though I believe Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a very real phenomenon, Dr. Shapiro says something we should all take very seriously. That is, everyone is narcissistic.

Why do we need to re-appropriate the the term “narcissism”?

We’re not all narcissistic in the same way, or to the same degree, but we do all have narcissistic tendencies. Not only is self-absorption universal, it’s also a vital aspect of health. Ambitions come from grandiose ideas. A healthy retirement demands that you stash, hoard, and grow your earnings. Adventures and travel involve appropriating culture. Starting a business means making more than you give others. I posit here a psychological law that no one can escape: Own your selfishness, or be owned by it. Show me a selfless person, and I’ll show you a hypocrite. Intentions matter and we should commend generous people for embodying that spirit. But it’s my argument here that if you’re not tolerant and accepting of your own inherent narcissism, then you’ll not only be fighting your own nature, but also less effective as a result. The term healthy narcissism captures what I mean. We don’t have to annihilate ourselves to do good. We simply need to be thoughtful about the kind of good we want to do. We also need to acknowledge what we need, what we want, and what we need to do to reach selfish yet philanthropic goals. What’s more is that the people who most need to claim their narcissism are the people most disgusted by self-centeredness to begin with. Many adults raised by a narcissistic parent would rather die than be compared to that self-centered caregiver. In my practice, I see so many people who have such disgust and disdain for narcissism that they spend their whole lives trying to collapse into themselves like a black hole. They’re appalled by wanting things, prioritizing themselves, and “being selfish.” These are the people I want to encourage to hold their noses and be thoughtful, but be selfish. Decide what you want and need and own it. Do this, if for now other reason, to be an example for others. Countless others hate their selfishness but need to put themselves first to do good in the world. So reclaim your narcissism and be a role model for this silent, tortured group who live in the margins.

What is healthy narcissism?

What are the main features of healthy narcissism? Healthy narcissism is a concept that includes an infinite number of possible expressions. I’ve distilled the core elements to a short list below. It’s not exhaustive, but should give a sense of what it means and why it’s important.

Speak up

Don’t talk back. Don’t bother them. Appreciate what you have. Check your privilege. These are all things we’re told by others. They’re hackneyed phrases I hear ringing between my own ears quite often. Narcissists do the opposite of this, and sometimes with astonishing results. I recently heard an anecdote about an intern at a major finance company. A big-wig executive asked the intern to book a very specific type of venue for an upcoming retreat. After conducting hours of research, the intern reached the conclusion that no venue of the kind requested actually exists. When the intern approached the executive with the sad news, the executive’s response was telling. How did the executive respond? “Why the fuck has nobody created that yet!?” Is that an entitled response? A narcissistic one? Sure to both questions. But are there causes where an advocate with this level of entitlement could advance the movement significantly? Absolutely. So speak. Do it respectfully. Do it politely. Do it assertively and without apology. And most importantly, speak up about issues that matter and align with your values. But speak. The act of speaking up is proof to the Self that you take your values, goals, principles, desires, and aspirations seriously.

Express anger

Anger is the go-to tool of bullies and the phallic, single-minded energy of the narcissist. It’s also a core emotion that all human beings experience. Anger does a few things for us psychologically. Cognitively, it sharpens our focus. The reason we act so irrationally when we’re angry is because we are in a state of absolute focus. Nothing besides the object of anger matters. Emotionally, anger makes us feel powerful. We may not be powerful when we are angry, but we certainly feel that way. Along with feelings of power comes a newfound boldness. Narcissists’ unchecked rage and unreasonable demands come from overusing anger as a tool to resolve psychological suffering. Anger is not always the best strategy for approaching a problem. But, if you’re deficient in healthy narcisssism, spikes in anger are indispensible signals that something is out of balance. Anger then is both a signal and a force to harness to reach a healthier equilibrium. Feeling upswells of anger is a gift when you’ve suppressed healthy narcissism. Survivors of narcissistic abuse often contort themselves into uncomfortable positions to avoid owning their anger. Again, this brings us back to the core idea: Narcissists love to bully through anger. And, narcissists’ children often end up so disgusted by anger that they renounce any and all rights to feel and express it. So when anger arises, it’s bringing an important message. Listen to it and use it! One especially important application of anger is using it to…

Set boundaries

Setting boundaries is an essential skill for developing and maintaining psychological health. We seldom discuss why setting boundaries is so difficult. The fundamental conundrum is this: We need to have a strong sense of self and feelings of value in order to maintain healthy boundaries… BUT… It’s extremely difficult to do the work of creating a strong sense of self and establishing feelings of value if others–especially narcissistic others–are consistently violating our boundaries. In other posts and resources, I go into more depth about how to break out of this self-annihilating cycle. To be brief here, the most straightforward way out of this rut is to:

Recognize and connect with the pain that this cycle causes (pain is one of the most powerful sources of motivation).
Nurture small interests, hobbies, and playful activities while you muster the strength and skill required to begin setting boundaries (of course, leaving toxic situations when possible is also vital).
Keep building upon new areas of growth while consistently increasing awareness around others’ intrusions into your most protected pockets of growth.

The emerging polarity between the affirmative aspects of play and exploration alongside the destructive boundary intrusions of others will stoke feelings of rage. Rage becomes fuel to reinforcing boundaries or leaving the situation. As it pertains to healthy narcissism, the fundamental point is this: nurturing our own hobbies, interests, and self-affirming engagements is all part of tapping into healthy narcissism. The more we can put self first, the more healthy narcissism helps us to set meaningful boundaries.

Strive & Achieve

To those who have had profoundly negative experiences with narcissists, the pursuit of goals and achievement can become corrupted. Loved ones of narcissists often become “narcissistic extensions” of the narcissistic caregiver. Thus, any success is a shared success with a narcissist. Self-defeating and masochistic tendencies can easily develop around the sharing success with a narcissist. Even if we dream of going to Harvard, it’s very easy to self-sabotage when we realize that Narcissistic Dad will never stop bragging about and taking credit for your getting in. The narcissist only sees the parts of you that reflect him (or that he wants to reflect him). Narcissistic Dad will see himself reflected in your acceptance to an Ivy League school, but will blame you for the fender bender you got into. Why? Because he doesn’t want any connection with mistakes, only successes. It can be very discouraging and demotivating to have someone in your life appropriating your successes and blaming you for bad results. It feels like “Heads, you win. Tails, I lose.” But this is a provincial way of viewing ourselves and the world. Self-sabotage may meet certain needs at home, while failing us catastrophically in the real world (often resulting in returning to Narcissistic Dad for a loan, handout, or some other kind of help). Freedom from this cycle comes with seeing the wider world outside of our families as having different attributes than Narcissistic Dad. It helps to find mentors, bosses, teachers, and/or partners who support us and give us all of the credit. Striving and achievement are vital expressions of healthy narcissism because they allow us to experience the world as generous instead of self-serving. Ambition replaces self-defeating tendencies when we learn our successes won’t be stolen away.

Be seen

The patient who avoids eye-contact is the one who is profoundly uncomfortable with being seen. As she speaks, her eyes dart around the room, searching for a place of rest. What to make of this? Being seen is threatening. The patient’s denial of the therapist’s ability to see and hear her is a defense against shame. Existing to this patient is a defense. It’s likely that she has been around a narcissistic caregiver who could not tolerate another’s (potentially threatening) subjectivity. But does this mean that the patient does not want to be seen? No. Quite the opposite. The patient’s presence in the office speaks to the wish behind the fear. She wants to be seen. She wants to be understood. She longs for another person to elicit her inner experiences and create space for them to exist in the world. The “victim narrative” is a common compromise that the survivor of narcissistic abuse embraces. She will continue to endure the abuse and stife herself. In exchange, she’ll seek out any available ear to talk about the mistreatment she faces. But this is as far as she can go. She can’t take in advice. She can’t receive help. All she can do is show her pain and demand it be seen by the few people she has in her life beyond the narcissist(s) in her life. In psychotherapy, the term for this is help-rejecting complaining. It’s an expression of the wish to be seen without having the agency to own the need. It’s a form of pathological narcissism because the genuine need–the need to be seen–is locked away behind self-effacing defenses. When I stated earlier in the article that we must choose between owning our narcissism or being owned by it, this hypothetical scenario is exactly the one I had in mind. The suppressed narcissism will find expression whether we like it or not. So own it and be seen.

Desire

When you’ve spent significant time around a narcissist, it’s extremely easy to conflate wanting something with narcissistic entitlement. But desire is one of the most healthy, vital energies of life. When we lose touch with desire, pathological results follow. All of the outcomes listed below, either singularly or in various combinations, could result from not knowing what you want:

Compulsive eating
Compulsive sex
Any other addictive behavior, such as alcoholism or drug use
Depression
Committed relationships with narcissistic and controlling partners

Desire is what gives life excitement and energy. When desire is absent, we feel an inner deadness, or depression. An absence of desire creates a vacuum that must be filled. The most common substitutes are food, sex, and drugs. Alternatively, finding a tyrannical partner can help fill the vacuum since their desire can then become the animating force. If you don’t know what you want, you’re likely to get involved with others who do (and are comfortable giving orders!) Again, the irony in adopting such a desire-free existence is that compulsive behaviors takeover. These compulsive behaviors dominate a person’s life and mirror narcissitic tendencies. In other words, a heroin addict may have been careful not to step on anyone’s toes before becoming addicted. Yet you’ll never meet a more narcissistic and entitled person than an addict in need of a fix. In fact, it’s not inaccurate to describe all narcissists as addicts in need of an emotional fix of praise, validation, and/or service.

Feel grateful (not guilty!)

From what I’ve seen, the pop view of gratitude is that we need to affirm our thankfulness for all the blessings in our life at every opportunity. I don’t think this is the case. The key point is really that guilt and shame are the opposite of gratitude. If you’re someone who feels guilty or ashamed, then you’re likely apologizing to the world through your actions instead of simply saying “thank you.” In Christianity, “original sin” is the term for the idea that we need to apologize for our existence. In the traditional interpretation of this, that we must prostrate ourselves to atone for our inherent sinfulness, God is cast as a narcissistic father. But what if original sin is actually not a sin? The sin is not to eat from the apple of life, the offense is to eat from the apple and not revel in the experience. There’s no avoiding pain in life, but we deprive ourselves to the point of ill-health when we begin to chide ourselves finding and enjoying the pleasures of life.

Summing up

We’ve turned narcissism into a dirty word with harmful effects. The problem is not narcissism, because we are all narcissistic in some basic way. The problem with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is that the narcissism is insatiable and exploitative. The way we can avoid becoming like the toxic narcissist is by owning our own self-interest and aligning self-interest with the greater good. We can also establish a balance between the time and energy we spend expressing our healthy narcissism and our emotional and ethical commitments. Healthy narcissism is a core principle of my work and can be quite counter-intuitive at best, disgusting at worst. Let’s have a dialogue to better clarify and spread the message of this concept! Comment below, sign up for my mailing list, and/or follow me at @mindsplain on Twitter.

Eysenck’s Personality Inventory (EPI) (Extroversion/Introversion)

Published by Michael Kinsey, Ph.D.

The Eysenck Personality Inventory (EPI) measures two pervasive, independent dimensions of personality, Extraversion-Introversion and Neuroticism-Stability, which account for most of the variance in the personality domain. Each form contains 57 “Yes-No” items with no repetition of items. The inclusion of a falsification scale provides for the detection of response distortion. The traits measured are Extraversion-Introversion and Neuroticism. Read More

Sleep Tips 2020 | Therapy NYC | Find a Therapist

Sleep Tips for 2020

Published by Michael Kinsey, Ph.D.

This is a comprehensive guide to better sleep.

In this article you’ll learn six actionable sleep tips:

The psychology of insomnia.
Ideal conditions for sleep.
How to stop nightmares.
7 actionable steps to sleep better.
8 sleep hygiene tools that get results.
How to use “brain tapping” to fall asleep.

Let’s get started.

Psychology of Insomnia

It’s useful to remember that, in one way or another, we all seek relaxation through sensations that bring us back to a state of complete, passive, dependency – the most profound of these experiences being the period in which we were nestled safely inside our mother’s womb. Sounds, beats, enclosed spaces can all take us back to this state, where letting go, relaxing, and falling asleep posed no challenge.

Since sleep is one of the most natural things we do, insomnia is typically an issue with experience overriding this natural proclivity due to perceived risk to survival. This episode of Radiolab on sleep makes a compelling case that predation threat is one such environmental factor that could make falling asleep difficult.

Difficulties falling asleep signal problems accessing the anima, or feminine psychic entity that resides in everyone.

Sleep can also be conceptualized as a feminine force; it represents surrender, seduction, and passive receptivity. Difficulties falling asleep signal problems accessing the anima, or feminine psychic entity that resides in everyone. Reasons for disavowing the feminine and refusing to be seduced are too many to mention. Trauma is the most obvious.

Any single-minded obsession, the feeling of being overwhelmed (and thus a need to access phallic energy), developmental disruptions in attachment or history of rigid masculine socialization that includes shaming of natural feminine instincts are other examples.

If you struggle with sleep, what is your relationship to the feminine?

Ideal Conditions for Sleep

The famous “Rockabye Baby” children’s lullaby is known for maternal aggression concealed in a soft, melodic coating. But the song contains two other important aspects related to sleep: rocking, and falling

Rockabye baby, on the tree top / When the wind blows the cradle will rock / When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall / And down will come baby, cradle and all.

It’s not incidental that the phrase fall asleep contains the verb fall. And rocking soothes by rhythm, along with the implicit reminder that what rocks is safe and secure inside a moving object. The ideal sleeping environment is womb-like. Dark, warm, snug, soft. Inside the womb, the fetus is dead weight despite gently swaying side-to-side when mom-to-be moves.

Looking at these ideal conditions for sleep, it’s easy to see sleep as a surrender. Sleeping means being relaxed, without a care in the world. But most of us don’t let our problems and “rest easy.” We take stress, ruminations, and traumas to bed with us. For some, the stillness of a dark, quiet room underscores a frenetic, chaotic, and noisy mind.

I emphasize here the act of falling asleep. For some staying asleep is the problem. Severely traumatized folks avoid sleep altogether because that’s when the demons of trauma emerge in vivid nightmares. While some of the concepts here will be useful to the waker-uppers and the nightmare-ers, this post aims to give people what they need to sink past the threshold of alert wakefulness down into the release of sleep.

In the gif above, taken from the original Harry Potter film, “devil’s snare” is a tangle of vines that separates one chamber from another. The vines become more and more tangled and constrictive the more you struggle. To pass through to a deeper chamber, Harry, Hermione, and Ron have to relax, go limp, and allow for their dead weight to let them sink smoothly through the barrier.

It’s the perfect metaphor for falling asleep. The line between wakefulness and sleep can’t be crossed with brute force and will. It’s a leap into the unknown–a leap made possible by experiences of trust and care during the first few months of life.

To famed developmental theorist Erik Erikson, this trust forms in the first developmental stage of life. It’s a stage of utter helplessness, where mom (and others) need to anticipate and meet every need. When early experiences during this stage are less than ideal, likely, safety, security, and relaxation will all pose challenges to the affected child. Sleep is one of the most important areas of wellbeing impacted by our feelings of safety and security in moments of vulnerability.

Surrender. Fall Asleep. There is a zen to falling asleep. Willful people have a hard time falling asleep. What are you resisting? What would it look like to give in?

If the issue is nightmares, one method to use to address the problem is this protocol developed by Marsha Linehan taps into primal structures in our brain that induce sleep.

7 Actionable Sleep Tips

Here are 7 Tips to sleep better in 2020. If you don’t want to throw money at your sleep problems, the following strategies are a great starting place to see whether you need to go on a shopping binge and/or seek out a mental health professional to assist with sleep difficulties.

1. Give yourself an hour window to get to sleep (Bedtime +/- 30 minutes)

Okay, this is the type of tip I always hate finding in blog posts – the kind that means creating a rigid routine that almost no one with a life can replicate. But the supporting data comes from Fitbit, which my guess is pretty legit. The main point is that going to bed at a consistent hour is critical for getting the most restful sleep. The facts are the facts. You may not be able to get to bed within the same hour window every day, but there’s no reason why it can’t be a useful aspiration to work into a more comprehensive strategy for getting to sleep.

2. Get up

When you’re tossing and turning and can’t seem to get to sleep, get up. Here’s a useful guideline: whenever you start saying to yourself something like “I should be asleep by now” or “I have to get up in three hours!” It’s a signal that it’s time to hit the reset button. Get up and do something that is equal parts, calming, sedentary, and attention consuming. I don’t recommend being on devices, but reading, meditation, puzzles, knitting, writing, etc. are all examples of activities that will take your mind off of pressure-laden self-talk.

I often hear patients discuss how they can’t get to sleep to save their lives, but as soon as they get to their morning business meeting, they can’t keep their eyes open. Underwhelming stimulation that gets you out of your head is the key to transitioning into a restful state. Get up and find something that does this for you. It will also help in disentangling frustration and sleep.

3. Light stretching before bed

Whether you prefer good old fashioned stretching or yoga, stretching muscles is an excellent way to find and release tension accumulated throughout the day. Not only can stretching help fall asleep, but I’ve noticed that my sleep feels noticeably more restful when I’ve stretched before bed. The book below is an excellent, comprehensive guide to stretching. An accompanying DVD guide is also available for purchase.

Flipping through this reference will provide many options for “wind-down” stretches–stretches that transition you into a restful state rather than preparing you for strenuous activity. Make sure you follow the guidelines about warming your muscles up before you begin stretching to maximize benefits and to prevent injury.

4. Listen to Books and Podcasts, ASMR, & Lullabies (baby yourself)

Human voices, especially voices that tell stories, are great for this. Don’t be shy about regressing to get to sleep. Play a bedtime story from Audible, or even a YouTube video with an autonomous sensory meridian response (ASMR) reading of a bedtime story, could be exactly the trick.

5. Paced breathing

Paced breathing induces relaxation by varying rates of inhaling, holding of breath, and exhaling. For a specific protocol, go here. Many apps can also be had that assist in paced breathing exercises.

I’ve found the use of specific counts/rates of inhaling and exhaling to leverage concentration on the breath in such a way that deep, relaxing states can be found in very short periods. All focus on the breath can be useful and has been used by meditators for eons. Plenty of ASMR tools that play with breath can also be found for free on YouTube.

The ASMR world is a strange place. I find it to be profoundly relaxing. I warn you that it evokes both highly charged maternal and erotic elements that are initially uncomfortable to feel simultaneously. I’d be shocked if it didn’t ultimately put you to sleep, though.

6. Paired Muscle Relaxation

Paired Muscle Relaxation you can find a no-frills guided PMR sequence here. I’ve used it before and it works just fine. Paired muscle relaxation works in two main ways. First, by tensing a muscle, you help it to relax when you release the tension. A muscle is more relaxed after it has just been used.

Second, paired muscle relaxation involves scanning the body. Scanning the body is a type of mindfulness practice that will help you identify where you carry tension in your body. This can be useful in building body awareness, helping you stay more on top of your tension throughout the day, and getting the most out of practices of paired muscle relaxation.

7. See a psychiatrist (or at least your doctor)

This suggestion tends to elicit a reflex of disgust. A few common objections are:

“I don’t want to be drugged to sleep!”
“They’re just gonna push pills on me!”
“I shouldn’t have to use medication to sleep.”
“I don’t want to become dependent on pills to get to sleep.”

No matter what your objections are, it’s difficult to imagine whatever moral failing psychiatric medication may represent to you could be worse than insomnia. Most people are not aware that a wide range of medications and supplements can be used to help people sleep. They vary from the gentle to robust. Aside from the financial cost, what do you have to lose by a consultation? If you’ve tried everything else, perhaps medication is the missing ingredient.

In short: why suffer unnecessarily?

8 Sleep Hygiene Tools That Get Results

For some, the block to getting consistent sleep is solving a specific problem. Thanks to the profit motive, many handy gadgets and gizmos have been made to solve specific sleep obstacles. Let’s check out a few.

1. Mack’s Earplugs (Tim Ferriss best purchases under $100)

Recommended by Tim Ferriss for sleeping for both home and travel, Mack’s Earplugs have the advantage of superior sound blocking and not jabbing your eardrum while side-sleeping.

2. Blue light blocking glasses

Recommended by the king of biohacking, Dave Asprey, as a way of helping your natural circadian rhythms take over when it’s time for bed. Wear them during the day and certainly anytime you are looking at a screen in the hours before bed.

3. White noise machine / Ambient sound machine

Sound can help in two ways while trying to fall asleep. It can help by drowning out other ambient sounds that awaken the vigilant parts of our mind. Second, ambient sound can soothe by creating an atmosphere with which we associate safety.

4. Sleep Mask

Sleep masks can shut out sleep-interfering light, while simultaneously inducing relaxation through the gentle application of weight around the eyes.

5. Chilipad

If regulating your body temperature interferes with sleep, Tim Ferriss puts his stamp of approval on the Chilipad as a way of maintaining a consistent sleep temperature, even if you sleep next to someone who prefers an entirely different temperature.

6. Cozy Earth Stretch-Knit Pajamas (Oprah’s Favorite Things 2019)

A comfortable pair of women’s pajamas that made Oprah’s list of Favorite Things, 2019. The Cozy Earth website describes these PJ’s the following way:

Flattering stretch-knit fabric designed for every-BODY
Supreme softness, hand, and drape with pockets
Enhanced breathability, temperature regulation for class around the home
Generously sized for relaxed luxury

I’m not a woman and have never worn these pajamas. But like everyone else, I love Oprah. If she endorses the comfort of these pajamas, then I do too. Pajamas may seem like a trivial thing, but routines are ways human beings aid in the transition from one activity to another.

I don’t know about you, but when I’m getting ready for bed, I just as often say “I’m gonna put my pj’s on” as I say “I’m gonna get ready for bed.” PJ’s are very often the first cue to ourselves that we are moving on to bed.

7. Weighted Blanket

Endorsed by “The Today Show,” weighted blankets help create a feeling of cozy containment. Long used to help soothe dysregulated children, weighted blankets have a soothing and swaddling effect. If you’ve ever found yourself wanting to drift off to sleep at the dentist when you’re covered by the lead apron, you might just find a weighted blanket to be the thing that tips you into a restful sleep.

8. Why We Sleep, by Matthew Walker

Joe Rogan delves into some of the research and arguments presented by Matthew Walker in this book in this interview. Touted as a comprehensive guide to understanding the importance of sleep while also presenting strategies for restful sleep, Why We Sleep is a must-own for people who struggle to fall asleep.

Sleep Tips 2020 Bonus: How to use “Brain Tapping” to Fall Asleep

In what upside-down universe should we need to trick ourselves into falling asleep? Well, evidently the world in which we live has become one in which sleep has become increasingly difficult. We need to “trick” our brains, because getting to sleep is not an act of will–in fact it’s just the opposite.

Let’s take a look at what Jim Donovan devised, his so-called “brain tapping,” and why I see it as more than just a drop in the torrent of self-help gimmicks.

The Key to Falling Asleep: Rhythm

Donovan, a drummer and drum instructor, calls his sleep-inducing routine “Brain tapping.” The principle that the routine leverages to create restful sleep is the “frequency following response.”

Donovan cites neurobiological literature on the frequency following response, which is the natural instinct towards synchrony and attunement necessary for emotional closeness and the enjoyment of rhythm.

More succinctly, when the brain notices a pattern, it connects with it, and follows it.

Donovan used his observations during warm-up exercises as a drum instructor that his students appeared to get droopy eyes while the room synchronized on a soft, steady beat.

He then adapted this warm-up exercise to a pre-bedtime exercise that can be as short as 30 seconds or as long as five minutes.

30-Second Exercise

Sit comfortably at the edge or foot of your bed. Close your eyes, and bring your hands to your lap
Gently create a soft beat on your lap by alternatingly tapping your right and left hands. Follow the R-L-R-L pattern at rate of ticking stopwatch (120 BPM metronome)
Breathe Slowly, gently noticing points of tension and releasing as much of this tension as possible.
As you start to relax, gradually slow rhythm down.

Donovan warns that even though this procedure is simple, it takes practice to routinize and for it to provide optimal results. Repeat until you’ve tailored it to be both effortless and maximally relaxing.

Sleep tight!

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Free Play: Why It’s Important and How to Get Your Kids to Participate

Published by Michael Kinsey, Ph.D.

Guest Post by Shalom K.

Introduction

Play is a crucial part of any child’s growth and development. It is a means for them to explore new things, learn, and develop. Your child learns to depend on their capabilities, building their self-worth and self-esteem. Having raised my kids full time and homeschooling them, I have had to come up with strategies that will help them engage in play and learning. Before we get to the strategy, let’s first understand what free play is and why it’s so essential for kids.

Play is important throughout the lifespan. It’s a powerful form of learning and source of wellbeing that both children and adults need to thrive.

What is Free Play?

Free play is any unstructured, voluntary, child-initiated activity that lets kids develop their imagination while exploring their environs. It is the spontaneous play that is born from a child’s curiosity, enthusiasm, and love of discovery. It can include playing with dolls, blocks, crayons, clay, paper, and so on: anything that allows free, creative play. Outdoor play is the best form of free play. When kids are outside, they explore different things in nature and discover bugs they would have otherwise missed if they spent all their time in the house.

Also, outdoors give your child more space for all kinds of activities. They can run around, climb trees, and use their imagination without limit as they discover new games and come up with ideas. This is something they cannot get from video games and screen time.

Why is play important?

As mentioned before, play is an essential part of a child’s development. It has a lot of benefits which include:

1. It promotes personal social and emotional development

Through play, children explore and learn about the world and society they live in. They come up with experiences that can help them understand how society works and how to interact with others. For instance, role-play and pretend puts a child in different situations as they imagine how it would be like being a teacher, mother, doctor, or taking their pets to the vet. They learn how to interact with others, express their feelings and emotions, as well as understand other people’s perspectives. This teaches them respect and empathy.

2. It promotes healthy cognitive and physical development

Play involves a lot of body movement. Your child is forced to use different parts of their body, which engages different muscles. This develops your child’s strength, flexibility, and fine and gross motor skills. It is also a great form of exercise so they can maintain a healthy weight.

3. It enhances a child’s language skills and understanding of other cultures

Kids learn from their peers, and by playing and communicating together, they teach each other words and phrases. These simple words and phrases are the first step to practicing their language skills and understanding words and their meaning. As they explore different scenarios and the vocabulary used, they learn new words and the rules of conversation, such as when to speak, listen, and when to respond.

Consequences of Play Deprivation

The absence of play or the progressive reduction of the opportunity for free play can have adverse effects on a child and society. This can be due to several reasons.

For starters, the decrease of play affects the physical, mental, and social development of children. Research has shown a correlation between the reduction of free play and a rise in cases of depression, anxiety, suicide, and narcissism in children and, eventually, teens and adults. Children who don’t engage in free play fail to develop socially. They fail to learn social and conversational cues, which can often lead them to be withdrawn, moody, and antisocial.

Lack of play makes kids prone to poor physical health. This has led to an increase in diseases such as diabetes and obesity. Even with the inclusion of physical education classes in school, it is not enough to curb this growing pandemic. Research has shown that evolved patterns of play help children develop stronger bones and muscles. It promotes cardiovascular fitness, all of which can help reduce cases of child obesity.

Play deprivation has another disadvantage; it breeds helicopter parents. Free play is about kids using their instincts to respond to situations as they play, whether by themselves or with others. However, helicopter parents don’t give their kids this opportunity. Instead, they want to orchestrate how kids, especially infants, should play instead of leaving them free. This teaches kids to suppress their imagination and ideas during play as they try to please their parents and meet the set expectations.

Obstacles to getting kids outside to play and practical tips to overcome them

As a stay at home mom, I’ve been lucky to raise my kids full time, work from home, and home school my kids. While this is every parent’s dream, it has its challenges. For us, play was one of them, and these are the main obstacles and how we overcame them.

1. Technology

When you work from home, there is only so much you can accomplish when your kids are running around seeking your attention. With deadlines around the corner, the best option was often giving them a gadget to occupy them as I got my work done. With time, they started demanding more screen time and throwing tantrums if I said no. It was chaotic.

According to research, kids spend at least four hours and thirty-six minutes of their day looking at a screen. This has raised the rate of obesity, negatively affected sleep, and delayed language, cognitive, and social-emotional development.

Reducing screen time was not easy, but it was necessary. Because the kids were already used to it, the process had to be gradual. I started by removing the TV from their room and switching it off during meals. As we ate, we decided on which programs we would watch and for how long. I also decreased my screen time and even went for three months without social media. Eventually, my kids were able to manage two hours of screen time without me.

2. Fear about child safety

Like every other parent, my kid’s safety is a priority. Even when I want them to engage in free play, I have to be sure that they are safe first. With the dangers that surround kids today, I always wanted to keep a keen eye on them. Strangers could harm them, they could run off to the street, encounter poisonous animals and pets, among other dangers.

Part of my fear was because we had just moved to a new neighborhood. To solve this, I made friends with two moms in the region who were open to having their kids play with my girls. When I was busy, there were happy to fill in for me and watch the kids, and when they needed mom time, I was glad to watch the kids.

3. Not enough time

Free play takes time, and for it to be fun, you can’t rush it. When you home school your kids, however, you have to set the schedules, know when kids need to be learning, plan meals, chores, and still get your work done. It’s a lot to do in a day, and sadly play tends to take a back seat.

Collaborating with other families cannot fill up all the time kids have to play and explore. I had to intentionally create time to watch them, especially during the summer holidays and weekends. It took a shift in my schedule, but after moving a few things around, I found I have more than enough time to join them and watch them play.

4. Creating a mess

Let’s not get started on the amount of cleaning that’s involved. A simple painting game can turn into painting the walls, washing the brushes, and washing the bathroom because it’s full of paint. And since kids will be kids, they won’t do any of it right. Instead, the mess will spread to the whole house as they run to show you how well they cleaned.

Instead of getting worked up, I accepted that making a mess was part of learning, exploring, and having fun. I moved bath time a little so the girls can hop into the bath immediately after playing. I also designated a play area for them so they could have fun without me worrying about painted walls. I usually tell them when it’s time to move to the next activity, so they are ready to move on. I’ve also made tidying up part of the process, which has made the girls more receptive to cleaning up after themselves. They don’t always do it perfectly, but the effort is appreciated.

Conclusion

Generally, children are highly motivated to play. They want to know more about the world, but they need to be in a safe environment that allows them to explore all these concepts freely. Most physical and cognitive learning comes through play, and given plenty of time, a child’s free play can grow in complexity exponentially.

Shalom is a full-time mother home educating her two children. Shalom and her family live an alternative, green, ethical lifestyle. Before becoming a parent, Shalom taught Sociology and Digital Marketing at a college level. You can find more of her writing here.

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You can also follow me on Twitter: @mindsplain.

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Further Reading

Introduction

What is the Definition of Passive-Aggressive Behavior? A Summary of What the Experts Said:

Types of Passive-Aggressive Behavior:

Examples of Passive-Aggressive Behavior:

Tips on Dealing with Passive-Aggressive Behavior:

Honing In On A Definition For Passive-Aggressive Behavior?

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C, Couples Counselor

Classifying Ways of being Passive-Aggressive:

Raffi Bilek’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:

Lee Keyes, PhD, Licensed Psychologist / Consultant

Classifying Ways of being Passive-Aggressive:

Lee Keyes’ Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:

Natasha Ivanović, Forensic Psychologist / Writer

Natasha Ivanović’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:

Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill, LMFT Marriage & Family Psychotherapist / Ed.S. Marriage & Family Psychotherapy / Author

Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:

John Kenny, “The Relationship Guy” / Relationship Coach

Classifying Ways of being Passive-Aggressive:

John Kenny’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:

Talia Litman, Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT)

Talia Litman’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:

Douglas Noll, JD / MA / Professor / Author /Peacemaker / Mediator

Classifying Ways of being Passive-Aggressive:

Douglas Noll’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:

Jennifer Hamady, Author / Therapist

Jennifer Hamady’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:

Nancy Irwin, PsyD, Clinical Psychologist

Classifying Ways of being Passive-Aggressive:

Nancy Irwin’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:

Sandra Larson, Nurse / Relationship Expert

Classifying Ways of being Passive-Aggressive:

Sandra Larson’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:

Brooke Smith, PhD, Business Consultant / MindBody Expert

Classifying Ways of being Passive-Aggressive:

Brooke Smith’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:

Christian de la Huerta, Spiritual Teacher / Transformation Coach / Author

Christian de la Huerta’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:

Valentina Dragomir, Licensed Psychotherapist

Classifying Ways of being Passive-Aggressive:

Valentina Dragomir’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:

Wrapping Up

Further Reading

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Benefits of video games

Dr. Kriss’ therapy practice

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3. Light stretching before bed