All posts filed under: Relationships

Struggling with Compassion? Apply these 4 tips on how to find your empathy again

Compassion comes to people naturally. Even in the nursery, infants experience empathic distress–when one baby cries, ALL babies start to cry. Problems experiencing and expressing compassion tend to arise the more involved we get in the complexities of social give and take. Compassion becomes especially tricky in a couple of different scenarios: First, I might have trouble feeling compassion for others if I feel like I am sacrificing more than you are. Or, perhaps I feel like you’re getting more back than I am if we sacrifice the same amount. Worse still, I might see that you sacrifice less than me and get more back. Politicians, financiers, billionaires are all easy targets for antagonism because many people agree they don’t deserve our compassion. Why? Because we believe they often make more than us, pay less taxes, and/or work less. The second reason compassion can be tricky is if I don’t see you as belonging to the same group. Nationalist and racial examples abound here. A less emotionally charged example would be the world of professional …

Why Your Out-of-Control Sex Drive Could Be a Product of Trauma

Published by Michael Kinsey, Ph.D.

I recently came across a study that established interconnections between trauma, the self-conscious emotions (i.e., guilt and shame), and hypersexuality. The tendency towards hypersexuality appears especially strong among male trauma survivors. A summary of the findings from the study can be found here. The study’s findings stirred up a few interesting questions in me. First, what is it about experiences of trauma that evoke guilt and shame–emotions that make us question the stability of our social bonds and membership? Second, what is an easy way to tell that certain expressions of sexuality may be unhealthy responses to trauma? And third, why would hypersexuality be a common way of coping with the guilt and shame associated with trauma? Why Guilt and Shame The fact that guilt and shame are so closely linked to trauma is a bit of a head scratcher at first glance. For one, traumatic experiences are so varied. Each “type” of traumatic experience has its own emotional nuances so it seems a bit odd that guilt and shame would be so consistently linked …

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How can I be happy when others are suffering?

Published by Michael Kinsey, Ph.D.

We live in an interconnected world–a world where the 24-hour news cycle and social media confronts us with the most extreme ends of human experience. One hour, we might be watching the Kardashians vacation or unwind in their multimillion-dollar mansion. The next hour (or perhaps even the same hour!) we could be scrolling through instagram seeing haunting images of oppression, invasion, illness, destruction, and other powerful stories of the most profound levels of human suffering. Whether we find ourselves more engaged with those we envy or those we pity, our voyeurism is sure to leave us in a darker place than where we started. It’s true that we would be better off if we simply disengaged. Stop doomscrolling. Stop engaging with trolls. Stop watching the news. Stop immersing yourself in the lives of the rich, beautiful, and overindulged. But that advice might be skirting a very rational question: how can we be happy when others are suffering through no fault of their own? The first question: do you really want to not suffer? If you’re …

Mindsplain Book Review: The 5 Love Languages. The Secret to Love that Lasts

Published by Martyna Bobek

Mindsplain Book Review: The 5 Love Languages. The Secret to Love that Lasts What’s “The 5 Love Languages” About? Relationship expert Dr. Gary Chapman tackles one of the most common issues relationships face today-how to make love last. Chapman offers readers a remedy, which he discovered from years of experience in working with couples. With clear examples and uplifting storytelling, Dr. Chapman reveals the various ways we express and receive love, known as love languages. Countless amounts of couples have experienced richer levels of intimacy from learning their love languages-and this book will help you get started in understanding yours. Key Takeaways from The 5 Love Languages There are five unique love languages – quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Love languages represent the way we receive love. Chapman concludes that once you identify and learn how to express your partner’s primary love language, you’ve discovered the key to a long-lasting, loving relationship. The way that you understand love isn’t always the same as your partner’s. It’s rare for …

Are the parents of individuals suffering from BPD aware of the role they had to play in the development of this disorder?

Published by Michael Kinsey, Ph.D.

The most widely held theory of etiology for BPD is that sufferers of borderline personality disorder have both a temperamental predisposition (genetic emotional sensitivity and receptivity to one’s emotional environment) AND an emotionally invalidating environment during sensitive developmental periods. I would add that the larger context for both of these etiological factors is an intergenerational history of trauma. Explaining this is beyond the scope of this question, but an important point to hold in mind. This context is necessary to answer the question, since we have to consider how likely parents are to really empathize with the pain of their children. And, the short answer is that parents are not likely to fully comprehend how they have contributed to their child’s BPD. The reasons for this are as follows: Parents don’t tend to be aware of their contributions to the disorder without significant soul-searching because they are the source of the emotionally-invalidating environment. “Awareness” as used in the original question, in my reading, implies more than just intellectual understanding. Parents can cognitively “understand” that they …

Forgiveness Part II: Why forgiveness is important to your mental health and wellbeing

Published by Bex April May

Granting forgiveness can be one of the most difficult things you ever do. But, despite its challenges, forgiveness isn’t simply something you are giving to someone else. It can actually be just as important and powerful to your own wellbeing, aside from the feelings of the person who is being forgiven. We’re previously spoken to experts about how you would define forgiveness – and if you’re wondering “What is true forgiveness?”, you can read our article redefining the term here. Now, in Part Two of our exclusive series exploring forgiveness through the expertise of qualified psychologists, relationship experts, marriage counselors, psychiatrists, and spirituality experts, we delve into the importance of forgiveness, with particular regard to one’s own mental and spiritual health. Here, Mindsplain’s network of experts weigh in on the benefits of forgiveness when it comes to your own wellbeing… Why is forgiveness important? Award-winning licensed clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Dr Michael Kinsey, Ph.D., explains that, first of all, is a must, but requires work, saying, “It’s essential and very difficult. Pain and loss transform …

So, You Matched With Someone On Your Dating App. Now what?

Published by Kylie Feller

We all know that slight flush and exciting vibrations you get when you have matched with someone. Those sensations associated with the possibilities of meeting someone special never really goes away. What you do next is what sets the stage for your future connection. Although we like to believe we are original many of us rely on the same formula to strike up a conversation with our matches. Maybe these are not working, or you have gotten tired or just relying on “Hey” or “How’s it going”. These lines will not land well with a lot of people and could show you are not that interested. Plus, they often end in dead conversations. Asking the right questions after you have matched with someone online is important because it will help you determine if you are compatible with them enough to want to go on an actual date. There is no point in meeting up with someone if there is a limited chance you will actually get along. Online dating is awkward enough, by asking the …

What is forgiveness and why is it important? Part 1

Published by Bex April May

Forgiveness: it’s something we talk about a lot, but is much easier said than done. While our emotions around forgiving and the wrongs leading up to it can be some of the most traumatic in life, forgiveness can also be one of the single most important ways to process and grow from our experiences. It’s also completely in your control – and can allow you to take total ownership of a situation, no matter how hurt you have been by it. In this exclusive series, we’ll investigate different facets of forgiveness through the eyes of qualified psychologists, psychiatrists, relationship experts, marriage counselors, couples therapists, and spirituality experts to help you better understand forgiveness, and how to effectively apply it to your own circumstances. What is true forgiveness? So, let’s start at the beginning: how do you define ‘forgiveness’? As award-winning licensed clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Dr Michael Kinsey, Ph.D., explains, there are several layers to defining the term as we understand it in psychology. “The etymology of forgiveness is quite interesting,” Dr Kinsey says, “First, …

Have an Unhealthy Relationship with Online Dating?

Published by Michael Kinsey, Ph.D.

What is a series about online dating doing on a psychology blog? The quality of a person’s relationships is synonymous with mental health. And, if you’re single you’re in a relationship with dating. You may be dating a lot, a little, or avoiding it entirely. No matter which best describes you, you’re in a relationship with dating–and most likely online dating is a major part of this relationship. As a practicing clinical psychologist in New York City, adventures in online dating are a part of the conversation with literally every single one of the unattached patients I treat. Some people do have success with online dating. However, one thing I have never heard a patient say is: “I love online dating. It’s so much fun.” I don’t claim my sample is representative, but my patients’ view is consistent with commentary I’ve received from friends and colleagues. The refrains are consistent. “It’s annoying.” “Lots of shady people.” “It’s a major time suck.” “People look nothing like their pictures.” “She ghosted me.” And so on… With all …

Mindsplain Book Review: “The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog”

Published by Martyna Bobek

What’s “The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog” About? The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog is a series of stories from a child psychiatrist, Dr. Bruce Perry, who applies his brain development and neuroscience expertise to study how traumatic experiences shape children’s behavior. Each chapter utilizes vivid yet straightforward illustrations to describe his former patients who have endured violence, abuse, and neglect. Simultaneously, Dr. Perry engages his readers to join him on a journey in understanding exactly what happens to the brain if a child is exposed to extreme stress. Readers will find their hearts swelled with compassion, empathy, and ultimately, hope. Key Takeaways from The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog The brain is capable of change despite severe trauma. In other words, healing is possible. Understanding this can provide even the smallest glimmer of hope throughout the darkest of times. The responses of traumatized children are frequently misunderstood. Dr. Perry shares stories in which family homes experience a similar theme-chaos and unpredictability. Given so, kids may respond with fear …