Transcendent Parenting: A Workbook For Parents Sharing Children With Narcissists is a new book by Michael Kinsey, Ph.D. He developed the Transcendent Parenting system with the aim to of keeping you and your child focused on the things that matter most, rather than becoming caught up in time-consuming, energy-depleting, petty conflict with a narcissist.

Here is an interview with the author.

What is Transcendent Parenting (TP)?

I developed Transcendent Parenting to help mothers and fathers who have children with narcissists navigate the never-ending flow of annoyances that arise from collaborating and coordinating with narcissists. Narcissists have a way of making very simple transactions complicated and contentious.  

The philosophy behind Transcendent Parenting is based in the emotional dynamics of narcissism.  In particular, I find that narcissists consistently jockey to be the favored parent, the “good guy/gal,” the fun one, the laid back one, etc.  This usually translates into a lot of provocations of the ex and manipulation of the child.  

Transcendent Parenting is designed to help parents sniff out narcissistic behavior and respond in ways that are effective, aligned with parents’ values as well as the needs of children. 

Who is Transcendent Parenting for?

In many ways, Transcendent Parenting is a system that works for any parent struggling to adjust to a co-parenting situation.  Even “normal” people (that is, non-narcissists) become more narcissistic when the ego gets bruised in the harrowing trials of separations and divorce.  Primarily though, I wrote Transcendent Parenting for the ex-partners and ex-spouses of narcissists that have children with the narcissist ex.

Unfortunately, far too many variations of this type of arrangement make writing a step-by-step, practical guide nearly impossible.  There are a million ways narcissists’ relationships implode. Instead of trying to give concrete and practical tips, Transcendent Parenting aims to help parents do the work of coping, reflecting on values, and setting big-picture goals that will prevent parents from getting baited into petty feuds.

I would not recommend Transcendent Parenting: A Workbook For Parents Sharing Children With Narcissists as a stand-alone system for dealing with coercive control and/or domestic violence.  However, Transcendent Parenting does provide an essential perspective for any parent who needs to communicate with a narcissist for the sake of a child.

What do you see as the main challenges that the ex’s of narcissists face while co-parenting children?

The main challenge is morale.  Narcissists wear their opponents down.  The reason narcissists are so maligned, I believe, is because they are skilled in getting others to lose their way, doubt their own minds, and feel completely incompetent. 

Parenting is incredibly challenging without a saboteur attempting to derail parenting efforts.  Finding a way to connect with goals and values, as well as devising ways to validate angry and painful experiences is the best way to keep parents’ spirits up.

Is Transcendent Parenting a co-parenting approach to raising children with Narcissists?

Many survivors of narcissistic abuse contend that traditional “co-parenting” with narcissists is a fool’s errand.  I believe this is valid in many cases.  However, I don’t believe that there is a foolproof way to deal with parenting alongside a narcissist.  Some situations require a co-parenting approach, other situations demand parallel or so-called “counter-parenting.” 

Transcendent Parenting is a system that can flexibly accommodate many different philosophies and approaches to raising a child shared with a narcissist. 

I believe parents need to be empowered to find what works with their narcissists and their circumstances.  Transcendent Parenting allows parents to adopt a strength-based approach to parenting, develop a better understanding of how narcissists work to undermine them, work towards acceptance of highly unfavorable parenting conditions, and acting in a manner that allows parents to feel proud whether the narcissist and/or the child approve of the actions taken.

Can you share some of what people can expect from the workbook?  What can readers/users expect to get out of the content?

Sure. One the first thing readers will learn is some of the nuts and bolts of my integrative model of narcissism.  I’ve drawn from several theoretical models of narcissism to create one that really does help people understand the mind of the narcissist and cope with antagonistic behavior.

Second, the workbook contains several invaluable assessment tools.  These tools help to create clarity around what are a parent’s strengths, weaknesses, goals, and values. Readers can also apply the tools to their children and narcissists.  Using these tools sheds light on how a parent can focus his/her effort to meet a child’s needs and support the relationship the child has with the narcissist without internal conflict.

Third, readers will encounter challenging but affirming information about what difficulties they will encounter, what they will need to do to stay on track, and how to help their children and themselves contextualize the narcissist’s behavior in favorable ways while still allowing for anger and hatred that lingers from past and present offences.

People will find much more in the workbook, of course.  I’m making a digital copy of the book available for free during the month of September, 2020.  I encourage parents to take advantage of this resource while it’s still available free of charge.

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The full version of Transcendent Parenting: A Workbook For Parents Sharing Children With Narcissists is available for purchase HERE.

What people are saying

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— Just another court ordered mum (@HM63048666) November 4, 2020