All posts filed under: Boundaries

passive-aggressive behavior definition

What is the Definition of Passive-Aggressive? 13 Experts Weigh In

Introduction Recently, I sought out a definition for passive-aggression–a term I felt I understood implicitly, but found difficult to define in precise terms.  I came across one cheeky definition that I found compelling in a book by Ashta-Deb; the author defined passive aggression in the following way: “Passive-Aggression – the act of being covertly spiteful with the intent of inflicting mental pain.” I still like this definition very much.  I find it especially validating when I’m on the receiving end of what I believe to be particularly nasty forms of passive-aggression. Though I like Ashta-Deb’s snappy definition, it still left me with unanswered questions.  For example, Is passive-aggression conscious or unconscious? Is it always “spiteful”? Is the “mental pain” it inflicts the same type of pain? I further realized in searching for a definition for passive-aggressive behavior, that even though the term can be found in the psychoanalytic literature, its use transcends any particular theoretical orientation and/or school of thought.  Over the years, the term appears to have been appropriated by the masses, which I …

The “No” Quadrant: When To Say “No” and Maintain Healthy Boundaries

To be healthy in our emotional life we need good boundaries.  What does it mean to have good boundaries? In a basic sense, good boundaries means being able to define yourself and your values as distinct and separate from those of others.  Defining ourselves is important because we must first be separate to fully experience and benefit closeness to others. In all relationships we need to be able to protect our interests, take care of others without excessive sacrificing of our needs, and maintain the freedom to say no.  These abilities correlate highly with self-confidence, self-esteem, and healthy intimate connections with others. Good boundaries are incompatible with two of the most common afflictions of modern society, anxiety and depression. Saying no is a critical aspect of boundary-setting, as denying others’ requests is essential to freedom. Without freedom, relationships begin to feel like servitude. Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT, is an approach to treating a condition notorious for both poor boundaries and extreme states of distress.  Marsha Linehan, the creator and matriarch of DBT, provides a …