Granting forgiveness can be one of the most difficult things you ever do.

But, despite its challenges, forgiveness isn’t simply something you are giving to someone else. It can actually be just as important and powerful to your own wellbeing, aside from the feelings of the person who is being forgiven. 

We’re previously spoken to experts about how you would define forgiveness  – and if you’re wondering “What is true forgiveness?”, you can read our article redefining the term here.

Now, in Part Two of our exclusive series exploring forgiveness through the expertise of qualified psychologists, relationship experts, marriage counselors, psychiatrists, and spirituality experts, we delve into the importance of forgiveness, with particular regard to one’s own mental and spiritual health. 

Here, Mindsplain’s network of experts weigh in on the benefits of forgiveness when it comes to your own wellbeing… 

Why is forgiveness important?

Award-winning licensed clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Dr Michael Kinsey, Ph.D., explains that, first of all, is a must, but requires work, saying, “It’s essential and very difficult. Pain and loss transform us, but only when we allow them to do so.” 

This doesn’t mean that everyone does though. Dr. Kinsey adds, “Grief is bigger than our will to defeat it, and the healthy surrender to it can be avoided for a lifetime.” 

Georgina Caro, a certified spiritual life coach, empath and Reiki Master, and specialist in connecting people with their own spiritual power, says that people have to forgive, or risk holding on to their negative emotions forever: “If you’re holding onto things from the past, you can never truly move forward. Humans have this awful habit of either living in the past or constantly worrying about the future. We forget to live in the now.” 

“By holding onto unwanted emotions, thoughts or feelings, these get stuck deep down in your psyche, often coming back up to the surface at unusual times. Until you process and deal with these negative emotions they will forever hold you back in life,” Caro adds. 

The benefits of forgiveness

Forgiving wrongdoings against you can open up untold health and wellness benefits, believes Milana Perepyolkina MA, an international bestselling author, healer and spiritual guide. She explains, “Forgiveness is the key to treating a long list of psychosomatic illnesses. We should never try to suppress a bad emotion; we should understand why something happened and forgive everyone involved.” 

Perepyolkina adds, “If you are lucky enough to have many family members, co-workers and friends, there will always be someone you have to forgive and be forgiven for as well.”

In her spiritual expertise, its power even goes beyond the basic feelings you might expect: “The act of forgiveness releases so much energy that it can be used for healing, making dreams come true, and creating happiness in your life. It is very important to forgive everyone in your life, including yourself.” 

Struggling with forgiveness

But, of course, that is easier said than done. 

There’s a deeper psychological reason why people find it so difficult to give, reveals Dr. Kinsey, “Humans naturally prefer to hold onto the omnipotent fantasy that our anger can undo an injustice. This is why we both lust after revenge and are terribly disillusioned by having achieved it.” 

You can even see an expert illustration of this concept on the silver screen, recommends Kinsey, “For a fascinating and tragic example of this in film, watch Christopher Nolan’s masterpiece Memento.”

For those who find it difficult to forgive, Joanne Ketch, a mental health professional with a Masters in Counseling, LPC, LMFT, LCDC, and SAP, explains that, thankfully, forgiveness is not always essential to your own mental wellbeing. She explains, “I believe that becoming aware of when bitterness, anger, or resentment are present and disrupting the quality of life of the person experiencing these feelings, is when you should take steps to own these detrimental habits – however valid their origin – and to reclaim their personal power and their life.” 

“That said, forgiveness can be a powerful spiritual discipline when willingly cultivated,” Ketch adds. 

Despite the fact that we are often told, spiritually, to forgive, Douglas E. Noll, JD, MA, an accomplished lawyer-turned-peacemaker and award-winning author, reassures that forgiveness is not essential to your spiritual health, though it usually does help. 

“It’s not necessary, but very helpful,” Noll reveals, “Forgiveness is a very personal process. Every victim suffers in different ways and has his or her own resiliency. Thus, making blanket statements about the necessity of forgiveness is wrong.” 

As a professional mediator, Noll has a wealth of experience in dealing with forgiveness. “I have coached many therapists and pastors on how to help people forgive. Too often, these people mean well,” he explains, that this isn’t always the best course of action though, and can actually do more harm than good, “However, they end up making matters worse for the victim because they are unconsciously attempting to soothe their personal anxiety caused by the victim’s distress. Or, they think they are acting out some scriptural mandate. Whatever the cause, they abuse rather than help the victim.” 

Both because of this scriptural pressure to forgive, and because the process of forgiveness is so difficult, many people don’t do it properly – but this is often to their detriment. 

Forgiveness takes time

Forgiveness isn’t black-and-white, but a gradual ongoing process, full of gray areas, Catholic Priest Tom Gibbons reminds us, “Forgiveness is a necessary step, but in many cases I also see forgiveness as a process. Some hurts are so large that we cannot forgive in one fell swoop, so there can be a lot of grace and growth by simply going through the process of forgiveness.” 

“In some cases, we may need to go through the process of forgiveness many times depending on the size of the hurt,” considers Gibbons. 

This idea, of a long process, factors into many experiences of forgiveness, both when it comes to spiritual and mental wellbeing. 

“I think many people want to skip to the end of what can be a very difficult process of forgiving. They convince themselves they have forgiven an offender when they actually have not even begun to do so,” explains Dr. Kinsey.

“After all, the best way to avoid it is to convince yourself you’ve completed it,” adds Dr. Kinsey. 

While it’s a difficult journey, forgiveness is ultimately one you should embrace, for your own wellbeing. But that doesn’t mean it will happen quickly. Embark on the journey, but expect to be on it for a while. 

Want to understand more about the psychology of forgiveness, and how to apply it to your own life? Explore Mindsplain and read our exploration into ‘What is forgiveness, and why is it important?’ now.

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