Mindsplain

More and more I encounter an emotion in patients that is quiet, hidden, nagging, and insidious.  Most people seem surprised when it’s named, and the notion of inviting an open exploration of the feeling in their relationships seems quite unthinkable.  To own the emotion feels shameful, and the detection of said emotion elicits guilt in the perceiver. It’s a primitive feeling we can easily recognize, yet conveniently tend not to take notice of.  What is the feeling?  

Envy.

It’s at the heart of relationship problems, in families and between lovers.  Its corrosive properties lurk at the heart of political divides and toxic discourse.  Individuals and groups grow further apart and disparities emerge, more seeds of envy are sewn.

What is the Experience of Envy?

One thing I find interesting about envy is that it is much easier to feel than it is to define.  As stated above, it’s primitive and easy to access in our bodies. But what exactly is it?  

Before defining it, I invite you to feel in your body.  Bring to mind someone or a group of people who always seems to get what they want.  Life seems to open up a path to them no matter what challenges others face. They have all the love and money they need without seeming to suffer the hardships of pain or loss.  They are gorgeous and seem to find even more beautiful, doting, and passionate lovers. They have charisma, make others laugh with ease and always seem to be having an amazing time.  They have boundless energy and confidence.

Feeling it yet? Where? 

I feel my stomach twist and my molars being forced together.  It’s painful, yet also perversely stimulating.  

Melanie Klein, a key pioneer of child psychoanalysis, posited that envy is first experienced feeding at the breast, especially when gratification is either withheld or delayed.  It’s primal and oral, born out of a drive for food and intimacy–and crucially a desperate feeling of want. Envy is lustful and (omn)impotent(?) rage in the face of deprivation coupled with the innocent hope of that comfort, closeness, and oral satiation can be obtained through unrestrained desire.

Klein observed in her own experiences as a mother, and thus her own empathic regression to infancy, that envy is the experiential consequence of parting from the womb.  What once was one is now two, and the divide can never again be bridged. When discomfort comes, intuition screams that goodness has been stolen. When gratified, the infant begins to learn that comfort can be taken away at any moment, and thus self is no longer connected to goodness.  These disparate experiences of goodness and badness, in the mind of a newborn child, seem inherently irreconcilable. In other words, having and not having is a zero-sum-game. If you have it, I don’t. If I have it, you don’t. Coercive action to reclaim goodness is the only solution if self is to have it.

Eventually, humans learn that reality involves getting some of what we want, and some of what we don’t, and that the source of pleasure can also be the source of pain simultaneously.  But in moments of dysregulation, regression, or plain weakness, we all return to the primal state of envy from time to time.    

Envy Defined

Envy means resenting and wanting to destroy others’ happiness.

In the Kleinian tradition, the definition of envy is “the expression of destructive impulses,” in the sense of “If you have it, I can’t; therefore I must destroy you and/or it.”  In the same tradition, envy is distinguished from jealousy by the presence of this destructive impulse (For more in-depth psychoanalytic explorations of envy, refer to this document: Psychoanalytic Electronic Publishing Consolidated Psychoanalytic Glossary).

Marsha Linehan, a clinician and researcher in the behavioral tradition and creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), has a slightly different way of defining envy.  Linehan created DBT to treat Borderline Personality Disorder, a personality type characterized by (among other things) insufficient development from the primal emotional “split” reality between envy and gratification.  Defining and working with envy is thus a feature of her therapy. Linehan defines envy as simply the state of desire for something another has, but the self is lacking (that is, it lacks the zero-sum-game quality of Klein’s definition).  She differentiates envy from jealousy in a more simple way: jealousy is a protectiveness of what one has but is afraid of losing, while envy is the wanting of something lacking.

Both Klein and Linehan’s conceptualizations of envy seem to contribute to a complete understanding of this covert emotion. 

What is the Function of Envy? 

In Linehan’s view, all emotions must have functions.  Feelings without reasons to exist would be an inexplicable evolutionary superfluity.  Three of these useful aspects of envy are as follows:

The provision of energy to organize action towards a goal

• Motivation to fight injustice and inequality
• The will to fight for resources in the face of scarcity
• The signal to ask for self-benefitting changes or to assert one’s needs in intimate relationships

Some psychologists have made the distinction between a “benign” and “malicious” envy.  In Linehan’s model, envy only becomes a problem (i.e., malicious) if envy’s demands and desires exceed what an individual can reasonably expect–or perhaps that envy’s influence is undermining rather than strengthening relationships (presumably because expectations are unreasonable). 

Where is Envy Hiding?

Envy often disguises itself as virtue.

So I’ve made the claim that envy is everywhere.  What follows is a non-exhaustive list of where we find envy every day.

Social Media:

No matter the platform, underneath every “like” and at the top of every “troll” comment is envy.  Social media is, among other things, a breeding ground for social comparisons, and by extension, envy.  Influencers and content creators constantly get attacked because they do what we everyone wants to do: put themselves out there, connect, and get rewarded for their efforts.  This is difficult to bear, especially when we have stronger tendencies to hide from others, remain isolated, and see few returns on our pain and suffering.

Politics:

It’s difficult to imagine an era where envy was more prominent in political discourse.  Critics of Trump want to destroy him. I abstain from commentary on this, but I’ll paraphrase critics the following way: he is a nasty, privileged, self-serving, entitled, lying manchild who acts selfishly, faces no consequences, and gets rewarded with the most powerful position in the world.  Plenty of similar attacks are leveled from the opposing extreme: “Leftists” are entitled children who can’t accept election results and throw temper tantrums in the streets, discuss how oppressed they are, and try to destroy a legitimate election result by illegitimate means. Whether you are more outraged about the audacity to withhold tax returns or the lack of the elites’ concern over immigration and its impact on employment prospects, your outrage is partially fueled by envy.

Activism: 

Activism is a concern over fairness and justice, and by definition, includes some individuals profit at the expense of others–thus the emergence of envy.  To name a few recent cultural examples, Black Lives Matter, Blue Lives Matter, Social Justice/Intersectional Feminism, Antifa, Free Speech Movement, etc. are all examples of envious energy channeled into activism.  Any accusation of the term “privilege,” carries with it the motive of envy.  The presence of envy does not mean any of these movements or labels are ill-conceived or immoral, but the passion emanating from them does come from envy.

To make one editorial comment: envy can be a force for good when it is sublimated through activism, but the goal of destruction, whether “whiteness,” “fascism,” “socialism” or any other abstract label, toxicity and incivility ALWAYS manage to mar constructive efforts.

Terrorism: 

Terrorism is perhaps the most extreme manifestation of envy.  There can be no more powerful expression of malicious envy than the destruction of another through the destruction of self.  Whether a mass shooter or a suicide bomber, envy lurks underneath every act of melodramatic masochism. Although it is a topic for another post, the film The Joker is an extremely successful depiction of envy, its origins in a prototypically Kleinian enmeshed mother-son relationship, and how destructive envy arises from feelings of emptiness, deprivation, alienation, and failed attempts to obtain what others have.

Friendships: 

Competitiveness in friendships is often a clue that envy is present.  In boys, this might take on a more physical and/or ostentatious form, whereas the feminine version most likely takes more sophisticated, social aggression.  For evidence of the dynamic of envy among friends, the movie Mean Girls stands out as a film about envy and the insidiously destructive forms it can take.  There is also a buddy comedy called (wait for it…) Envy that deals with similar themes.  The point is that friendships inevitably lead to social comparisons, where we are much more likely to observe things we lack than what we have.

Family: 

Envy is certainly a frequent occurrence in sibling relationships.  Fights over fairness and whiny interrogations into “How come she got it and I didn’t?” are an easily recognizable trope.  What’s less discussed is the envy between parents and child. Parents often envy their child for having opportunities of which they were deprived.  In fact, parents often go out of their way to supply precisely this kind of opportunity, only to envy their kids for receiving it. This is why envy is often at the core of enmeshed relationships between mothers and their children; the child understands that independence threatens the parents’ connection to envied love, nurturance, and care.  

Conversely, a core tenet of psychoanalysis is the Oedipus complex, where the father is envied for his access to the mother.  The primal scene is another classic image in psychoanalysis evoking feelings of envy.  The defining element of these two images is that the child, who once was harmoniously connected to mother in utero and in the first few months of life, has lost Mother and must destroy Father to merge again.  In the primal scene, the specter of a sibling is introduced, as the child actively witnesses the possible conception of the next child. The feeling evoked by these symbols is prototypical envy.

Workplace:

Have you ever been passed over for a promotion?  Been outshined at work? Felt you were more deserving of a high position than the one occupying it?  Then you know what envy feels like at work. A sense of unfairness frequently emerges if you stay in a position long enough–perhaps rightfully so.  That feeling, whether adaptive or not, is envy.

Romantic Relationships: 

The theory that “opposites attract” is predicated on the notion that the other has something we do not, and therefore is destined to be envied.  Even similar romantic partners are bound to observe differences in power, wealth, attractiveness, power, family support, etc. of which we can become envious.  Similar dynamics can develop here as in platonic friendships, but with the added intensity of heightened dependency and sexual attraction.

Guilt: The Envy Detector

While guilt can mean that we have violated an important social contract and need to atone, it simultaneously is a signal that means others are envious.  To violate a social more or rule means putting oneself ahead of others. This expression of audacity conveys to others a sense of entitlement along with the unconscious desire that we too would like to ignore social rules and put ourselves first.  This form of envy is more or less benign unless punishment involves a brutal act of scapegoating.

However, the world is filled with people who feel guilty because of their special talents and/or gifts.  A former teacher of mine, Jerald Grobman, MD, has made a career treating the conflicts experienced by gifted and talented individuals.  Gifted and talented people have many hidden challenges, but guilt in response to being envied stands out as the most insidious.  A person who is attractive, successful, funny, rich, charming, etc. could just as easily feel guilty about their gifts. What can compound this guilt is the fact that naming it can be difficult.  Expressing conflict surrounding admirable traits threatens further alienation by potentially breaking the taboo against boastfulness. After all, complaining you feel guilty because you feel fed up with being envied for your attractiveness is more likely to elicit more envy than empathy.

Why is Envy So Shameful?

In addition to asserting that envy is widespread, I also stated that we are silent about its presence because of its shameful nature.  And yet it’s not at all obvious why would we conceal such a basic and universal feeling? Below is a list of some of the possible reasons.

• Envy is one of the “seven deadly sins” in The Bible and is thus connected to violating sacred socio-cultural values
• Envy is a primitive emotion and therefore reminds us of primitive vulnerability
• Discussing envy means discussing ways in which you think the other person is better than you
• Discussing envy means discussing ways in which you lack something significant
• The feeling of envy contains a highly stimulating and erotically charged feeling that evokes taboos around sex
• Incest taboos are embedded in the Oedipus complex and the primal scene, which theory tells us is closely connected with early experiences with envy
• Activism the motivation of envy may be viewed by self or other as discrediting to the cause 
• Envy contains feelings of need and a desire for caretaking; current cultural mores increasingly stigmatize needing things from others

What’s the Antidote to Envy?

The antidote to envy is gratitude, just as the antidote to starvation is feeling nourished and full.  However, lasting gratitude comes from laying a foundation of accumulated emotional maturation and the establishment of a meaningful identity.  Psychotherapy is one way of remediating deficits in structural and developmental emotional deficits.

But urgent and threatening surges of envy can arise, requiring immediate attention.  In crises of envy, where our feelings of emptiness and aggressive impulses coalesce into a (self) destructive force, here are a few things you can do:

1. Make a list of 5 things for which you are most grateful.  The hack here is that before you arrive at the top 5, you’ll ponder numerous other things for which you are also grateful.  Additionally, a sincere effort here is rewarded with an awareness of aspects of your life that truly have value.
2. While you are likely to have come across tip 1, the trick I find even more helpful is to really imagine trading places with the object of envy.  Would you really want that? Do you really want to take over someone else’s life? Envision what this would look like. Think of all of someone else’s choices you’d have to live with.  Think of all of the adaptations you’ve developed that would no longer be useful. Think about how confusing it would be to know which aspect of you is really loved and valued. Immersing yourself experientially in this exercise is the key. 
3. An extension of number 2, focus on playing the hand you have been given.  Games are fun because not everyone gets dealt an equally desirable set of cards.  We play though to test our skills, to immerse ourselves in the problems unique to our hand, and to see how far our minds can take what we did not choose.  Think about the unique challenges you face and how it’s your life’s work to play these cards to the best of your ability. Sometimes working to change the rules is necessary–real and correctible unfairness exists; but be mindful of how you felt playing games with people who wanted to change the rules after the game has already begun.
4. This is number three slightly restated.  Constraints are the agitators of creativity.  When anything is possible, creative solutions aren’t needed.  To be a creative force in your life, you must have limitations that others don’t.  The more we embrace our deficits, the more creative our solutions, the more meaning we find in life, and the more we inspire others.  You may even be envied.

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