Author: Michael Kinsey, Ph.D.

You are your habits

You Are What You Do Every Day

Introduction My fortieth birthday was a tough one for me.  Behind me was half my life.  I found myself carrying a lot of heavy baggage.  Worse still was what I had left behind me: a trail of missed opportunities and dead dreams. Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of who I’ve become.  But who among us is immune to existential crises and regrets?  Not me, and probably not you either. For me, turning 40 was a landmark event–bigger than any birthday I’d had prior. My perspective tipped–seemingly overnight–from “the future holds such promise” to “I’ve already decided what my life is and what it’s likely to be.”  Amidst this existential crisis I held the limp corpses of my abandoned dreams and demanded answers about how this came to be.  How did I allow this to happen? Baseball When my dad introduced me to baseball at the age of four, I couldn’t get enough.  I’d watch every televised game the Oakland A’s played, which fortunately was almost daily.  My dad taught me how to play catch.  …

3 Paradoxes of Strong Mental Health

Introduction I love a good paradox. In clinical practice, a session seldom goes by where I do not seize the opportunity to share a relevant one with a patient. Perhaps it’s their inherent rhetorical force in paradox. Maybe the power of paradox comes from their historical and cultural tradition. Eastern philosophy is full of paradoxes. You can find paradox in the Tao Te Ching. Paradoxes are abundant in Zen koans–riddle-like stories that provoke enlightening insights. Paradox flows through the study martial arts. Derivative guru characters in pop culture, like Yoda, often speak in paradox. The more ancient the tradition, it seems, the more riddled the culture is with paradoxical sayings (this is not a verified claim, but would be an interesting study!). Whatever the reason, I’m sold on using paradoxes as a tried-and-true delivery mechanism life-changing wisdom. What is a paradox? “A statement that is seemingly contradictory or opposed to common sense and yet is perhaps true.” Merriam-Webster The two aspects of paradox I’ll highlight are the following: First, paradoxes are counterintuitive at best, nonsensical …

Empathy & Compassion

Struggling with Compassion? Apply these 4 tips on how to find your empathy again

Compassion comes to people naturally.  Even in the nursery, infants experience empathic distress–when one baby cries, ALL babies start to cry.  Problems experiencing and expressing compassion tend to arise the more involved we get in the complexities of social give and take.  Compassion becomes especially tricky in a couple of different scenarios: First, I might have trouble feeling compassion for others if I feel like I am sacrificing more than you are.  Or, perhaps I feel like you’re getting more back than I am if we sacrifice the same amount.  Worse still, I might see that you sacrifice less than me and get more back.   Politicians, financiers, billionaires are all easy targets for antagonism because many people agree they don’t deserve our compassion.  Why? Because we believe they often make more than us, pay less taxes, and/or work less. The second reason compassion can be tricky is if I don’t see you as belonging to the same group.  Nationalist and racial examples abound here.  A less emotionally charged example would be the world of professional …

psychosis

How do you know you’re in psychosis?

How does someone know if they are in psychosis?  As it turns out, this is precisely the correct question to ask.  There is a simple and interesting answer to this question.  But first, let’s begin with how NAMI (National Alliance On Mental Illness), an authority on mental illness, defines psychosis: “Most people think of psychosis as a break with reality. In a way it is. Psychosis is characterized as disruptions to a person’s thoughts and perceptions that make it difficult for them to recognize what is real and what isn’t. These disruptions are often experienced as seeing, hearing and believing things that aren’t real or having strange, persistent thoughts, behaviors and emotions. While everyone’s experience is different, most people say psychosis is frightening and confusing.” –nami.org, emphasis mine Many people associate psychosis with its dramatic symptoms of hallucinations and bizarre beliefs.  Disorganized thinking is another unmistakable sign of psychosis. These are not wrong associations.  However, the defining feature of psychosis is a lack of insight.  In other words, a true psychosis is one where the …

trauma_and_sex_addiction

Why Your Out-of-Control Sex Drive Could Be a Product of Trauma

I recently came across a study that established interconnections between trauma, the self-conscious emotions (i.e., guilt and shame), and hypersexuality.  The tendency towards hypersexuality appears especially strong among male trauma survivors.  A summary of the findings from the study can be found here. The study’s findings stirred up a few interesting questions in me.  First, what is it about experiences of trauma that evoke guilt and shame–emotions that make us question the stability of our social bonds and membership?  Second, what is an easy way to tell that certain expressions of sexuality may be unhealthy responses to trauma?  And third, why would hypersexuality be a common way of coping with the guilt and shame associated with trauma?   Why Guilt and Shame The fact that guilt and shame are so closely linked to trauma is a bit of a head scratcher at first glance.  For one, traumatic experiences are so varied. Each “type” of traumatic experience has its own emotional nuances so it seems a bit odd that guilt and shame would be so consistently linked …

how_to_be_happy_when_the_world_is_suffering

How can I be happy when others are suffering?

We live in an interconnected world–a world where the 24-hour news cycle and social media confronts us with the most extreme ends of human experience.  One hour, we might be watching the Kardashians vacation or unwind in their multimillion-dollar mansion.  The next hour (or perhaps even the same hour!) we could be scrolling through instagram seeing haunting images of oppression, invasion, illness, destruction, and other powerful stories of the most profound levels of human suffering. Whether we find ourselves more engaged with those we envy or those we pity, our voyeurism is sure to leave us in a darker place than where we started. It’s true that we would be better off if we simply disengaged.  Stop doomscrolling. Stop engaging with trolls.  Stop watching the news.  Stop immersing yourself in the lives of the rich, beautiful, and overindulged.  But that advice might be skirting a very rational question: how can we be happy when others are suffering through no fault of their own? The first question: do you really want to not suffer? If you’re …

Am-I-Lazy-or-depressed

Am I Depressed or Just Lazy?

How can I figure out if I’m depressed or just lazy? What is depression? There are many ways to define depression.  The DSM and ICD take descriptive approaches, outlining a set of symptom criteria that coincide with depressive episodes.  Psychodynamic therapists formulations explain it in theoretical terms, summarized simply as “anger turned inward.”  Behaviorists posited that depression results from a lack of reinforcement, whether positive or negative, in one’s environment.  And patriarch of positive psychology, Martin Seligman, created depression in a laboratory using dogs by applying behavioral principles. He called named is lab-induced depression “learned helplessness.” I’ll do my best here to make my own definition combining the merits of all three definitions. Let’s start with the core components.  They are: Depression is an emotional and physiological state. Depression emotionally feels like resignation, giving up, hopelessness and despair. On top of the experience of giving up, depression also registers emotionally as guilt over not being good enough and/or having failed to live up to what’s expected of him/her.  Guilt results from self-consciousness, self-critique, and what …

personality disorders

Why are personality disorders difficult to distinguish from healthy personalities?

Everyone has a personality, comprised of strengths and weaknesses Get to know anyone well enough and you will begin to see that s/he struggles dealing with certain aspects of life, work, and relationships.  These weaknesses in someone’s personality can even be so vulnerable that people can have acute episodes of anxiety, depression, and other psychiatric disorders. In other words, no one is perfect, nor does a healthy level of functioning depend on someone moving closer and closer to perfection over time.  This basic truth makes it tricky to differentiate someone with a disordered personality from a flawed, but mostly normal personality organization. In order to determine if weaknesses in a person’s character meet criteria for a personality disorder, one of two things need to be present: 1. You have a great deal of reliable data about a person’s life across time and context, or 2. You need a great deal of experience and expertise recognizing signs and symptoms of personality pathology. Distress and impairment are often context-dependent Narcissists can be extremely high achievers. Obsessive-compulsive Personality …

Self-deception and charm

Charmed by deception: Why we love to believe the lies others tell themselves

Why are people who lie to themselves so charismatic? Everyone lies to themselves.  Self-deception (a.k.a., denial) is a necessary defense mechanism. However, some people overuse denial and/or deploy it as a defense in a rigid, maladaptive way. So what does charisma have to do with self-deception?  To answer this, I’ll rephrase the questions ever so slightly: What is it about people who believe their own lies that makes them so charismatic?  The answer to this question is quite simple.  If someone believes their own lies, then most other people will believe them, too. Humans are amazingly sophisticated when it comes to interpreting social behavior.  We’ll naturally spot any incongruity between what a person says and how they behave.  When someone lacks conviction in something, most people can detect the discrepancy between the words and the delivery. Narcissists are masters at this.  They can often speak their grandiose notions of themselves into existence.  How can they do this? Remember The Little Engine that Could? Simply believing you can actually can sometimes actually make it happen. But …