Introduction
Search Narcissism on the internet and you’ll see that evocative word does not fill people up with the warm fuzzies that a word like “puppies” might. Anger, despondent wails, grievances and other cries of unfairness would overwhelm anyone who takes the time to sample content from social media, forums, and blogs on the subject. And yet I think we need to change our attitude towards the word. A revered mentor of mine, David Shapiro, used to say that he was unimpressed by Narcissism as a diagnostic label. “Everyone’s narcissistic,” he’d say. “Narcissism is a developmental stage. It’s not really a personality organization,” he elaborated. Narcissism is one of the few topics on which Dr. Shapiro and I disagree. And even though I believe Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a very real phenomenon, Dr. Shapiro says something we should all take very seriously. That is, everyone is narcissistic.
Why do we need to re-appropriate the the term “narcissism”?
We’re not all narcissistic in the same way, or to the same degree, but we do all have narcissistic tendencies. Not only is self-absorption universal, it’s also a vital aspect of health. Ambitions come from grandiose ideas. A healthy retirement demands that you stash, hoard, and grow your earnings. Adventures and travel involve appropriating culture. Starting a business means making more than you give others. I posit here a psychological law that no one can escape: Own your selfishness, or be owned by it. Show me a selfless person, and I’ll show you a hypocrite. Intentions matter and we should commend generous people for embodying that spirit. But it’s my argument here that if you’re not tolerant and accepting of your own inherent narcissism, then you’ll not only be fighting your own nature, but also less effective as a result. The term healthy narcissism captures what I mean. We don’t have to annihilate ourselves to do good. We simply need to be thoughtful about the kind of good we want to do. We also need to acknowledge what we need, what we want, and what we need to do to reach selfish yet philanthropic goals. What’s more is that the people who most need to claim their narcissism are the people most disgusted by self-centeredness to begin with. Many adults raised by a narcissistic parent would rather die than be compared to that self-centered caregiver. In my practice, I see so many people who have such disgust and disdain for narcissism that they spend their whole lives trying to collapse into themselves like a black hole. They’re appalled by wanting things, prioritizing themselves, and “being selfish.” These are the people I want to encourage to hold their noses and be thoughtful, but be selfish. Decide what you want and need and own it. Do this, if for now other reason, to be an example for others. Countless others hate their selfishness but need to put themselves first to do good in the world. So reclaim your narcissism and be a role model for this silent, tortured group who live in the margins.
What is healthy narcissism?
What are the main features of healthy narcissism? Healthy narcissism is a concept that includes an infinite number of possible expressions. I’ve distilled the core elements to a short list below. It’s not exhaustive, but should give a sense of what it means and why it’s important.
Speak up
Don’t talk back. Don’t bother them. Appreciate what you have. Check your privilege. These are all things we’re told by others. They’re hackneyed phrases I hear ringing between my own ears quite often. Narcissists do the opposite of this, and sometimes with astonishing results. I recently heard an anecdote about an intern at a major finance company. A big-wig executive asked the intern to book a very specific type of venue for an upcoming retreat. After conducting hours of research, the intern reached the conclusion that no venue of the kind requested actually exists. When the intern approached the executive with the sad news, the executive’s response was telling. How did the executive respond? “Why the fuck has nobody created that yet!?” Is that an entitled response? A narcissistic one? Sure to both questions. But are there causes where an advocate with this level of entitlement could advance the movement significantly? Absolutely. So speak. Do it respectfully. Do it politely. Do it assertively and without apology. And most importantly, speak up about issues that matter and align with your values. But speak. The act of speaking up is proof to the Self that you take your values, goals, principles, desires, and aspirations seriously.
Express anger
Anger is the go-to tool of bullies and the phallic, single-minded energy of the narcissist. It’s also a core emotion that all human beings experience. Anger does a few things for us psychologically. Cognitively, it sharpens our focus. The reason we act so irrationally when we’re angry is because we are in a state of absolute focus. Nothing besides the object of anger matters. Emotionally, anger makes us feel powerful. We may not be powerful when we are angry, but we certainly feel that way. Along with feelings of power comes a newfound boldness. Narcissists’ unchecked rage and unreasonable demands come from overusing anger as a tool to resolve psychological suffering. Anger is not always the best strategy for approaching a problem. But, if you’re deficient in healthy narcisssism, spikes in anger are indispensible signals that something is out of balance. Anger then is both a signal and a force to harness to reach a healthier equilibrium. Feeling upswells of anger is a gift when you’ve suppressed healthy narcissism. Survivors of narcissistic abuse often contort themselves into uncomfortable positions to avoid owning their anger. Again, this brings us back to the core idea: Narcissists love to bully through anger. And, narcissists’ children often end up so disgusted by anger that they renounce any and all rights to feel and express it. So when anger arises, it’s bringing an important message. Listen to it and use it! One especially important application of anger is using it to…
Set boundaries
Setting boundaries is an essential skill for developing and maintaining psychological health. We seldom discuss why setting boundaries is so difficult. The fundamental conundrum is this: We need to have a strong sense of self and feelings of value in order to maintain healthy boundaries… BUT… It’s extremely difficult to do the work of creating a strong sense of self and establishing feelings of value if others–especially narcissistic others–are consistently violating our boundaries. In other posts and resources, I go into more depth about how to break out of this self-annihilating cycle. To be brief here, the most straightforward way out of this rut is to:
- Recognize and connect with the pain that this cycle causes (pain is one of the most powerful sources of motivation).
- Nurture small interests, hobbies, and playful activities while you muster the strength and skill required to begin setting boundaries (of course, leaving toxic situations when possible is also vital).
- Keep building upon new areas of growth while consistently increasing awareness around others’ intrusions into your most protected pockets of growth.
The emerging polarity between the affirmative aspects of play and exploration alongside the destructive boundary intrusions of others will stoke feelings of rage. Rage becomes fuel to reinforcing boundaries or leaving the situation. As it pertains to healthy narcissism, the fundamental point is this: nurturing our own hobbies, interests, and self-affirming engagements is all part of tapping into healthy narcissism. The more we can put self first, the more healthy narcissism helps us to set meaningful boundaries.
Strive & Achieve
To those who have had profoundly negative experiences with narcissists, the pursuit of goals and achievement can become corrupted. Loved ones of narcissists often become “narcissistic extensions” of the narcissistic caregiver. Thus, any success is a shared success with a narcissist. Self-defeating and masochistic tendencies can easily develop around the sharing success with a narcissist. Even if we dream of going to Harvard, it’s very easy to self-sabotage when we realize that Narcissistic Dad will never stop bragging about and taking credit for your getting in. The narcissist only sees the parts of you that reflect him (or that he wants to reflect him). Narcissistic Dad will see himself reflected in your acceptance to an Ivy League school, but will blame you for the fender bender you got into. Why? Because he doesn’t want any connection with mistakes, only successes. It can be very discouraging and demotivating to have someone in your life appropriating your successes and blaming you for bad results. It feels like “Heads, you win. Tails, I lose.” But this is a provincial way of viewing ourselves and the world. Self-sabotage may meet certain needs at home, while failing us catastrophically in the real world (often resulting in returning to Narcissistic Dad for a loan, handout, or some other kind of help). Freedom from this cycle comes with seeing the wider world outside of our families as having different attributes than Narcissistic Dad. It helps to find mentors, bosses, teachers, and/or partners who support us and give us all of the credit. Striving and achievement are vital expressions of healthy narcissism because they allow us to experience the world as generous instead of self-serving. Ambition replaces self-defeating tendencies when we learn our successes won’t be stolen away.
Be seen
The patient who avoids eye-contact is the one who is profoundly uncomfortable with being seen. As she speaks, her eyes dart around the room, searching for a place of rest. What to make of this? Being seen is threatening. The patient’s denial of the therapist’s ability to see and hear her is a defense against shame. Existing to this patient is a defense. It’s likely that she has been around a narcissistic caregiver who could not tolerate another’s (potentially threatening) subjectivity. But does this mean that the patient does not want to be seen? No. Quite the opposite. The patient’s presence in the office speaks to the wish behind the fear. She wants to be seen. She wants to be understood. She longs for another person to elicit her inner experiences and create space for them to exist in the world. The “victim narrative” is a common compromise that the survivor of narcissistic abuse embraces. She will continue to endure the abuse and stife herself. In exchange, she’ll seek out any available ear to talk about the mistreatment she faces. But this is as far as she can go. She can’t take in advice. She can’t receive help. All she can do is show her pain and demand it be seen by the few people she has in her life beyond the narcissist(s) in her life. In psychotherapy, the term for this is help-rejecting complaining. It’s an expression of the wish to be seen without having the agency to own the need. It’s a form of pathological narcissism because the genuine need–the need to be seen–is locked away behind self-effacing defenses. When I stated earlier in the article that we must choose between owning our narcissism or being owned by it, this hypothetical scenario is exactly the one I had in mind. The suppressed narcissism will find expression whether we like it or not. So own it and be seen.
Desire
When you’ve spent significant time around a narcissist, it’s extremely easy to conflate wanting something with narcissistic entitlement. But desire is one of the most healthy, vital energies of life. When we lose touch with desire, pathological results follow. All of the outcomes listed below, either singularly or in various combinations, could result from not knowing what you want:
- Compulsive eating
- Compulsive sex
- Any other addictive behavior, such as alcoholism or drug use
- Depression
- Committed relationships with narcissistic and controlling partners
Desire is what gives life excitement and energy. When desire is absent, we feel an inner deadness, or depression. An absence of desire creates a vacuum that must be filled. The most common substitutes are food, sex, and drugs. Alternatively, finding a tyrannical partner can help fill the vacuum since their desire can then become the animating force. If you don’t know what you want, you’re likely to get involved with others who do (and are comfortable giving orders!) Again, the irony in adopting such a desire-free existence is that compulsive behaviors takeover. These compulsive behaviors dominate a person’s life and mirror narcissitic tendencies. In other words, a heroin addict may have been careful not to step on anyone’s toes before becoming addicted. Yet you’ll never meet a more narcissistic and entitled person than an addict in need of a fix. In fact, it’s not inaccurate to describe all narcissists as addicts in need of an emotional fix of praise, validation, and/or service.
Feel grateful (not guilty!)
From what I’ve seen, the pop view of gratitude is that we need to affirm our thankfulness for all the blessings in our life at every opportunity. I don’t think this is the case. The key point is really that guilt and shame are the opposite of gratitude. If you’re someone who feels guilty or ashamed, then you’re likely apologizing to the world through your actions instead of simply saying “thank you.” In Christianity, “original sin” is the term for the idea that we need to apologize for our existence. In the traditional interpretation of this, that we must prostrate ourselves to atone for our inherent sinfulness, God is cast as a narcissistic father. But what if original sin is actually not a sin? The sin is not to eat from the apple of life, the offense is to eat from the apple and not revel in the experience. There’s no avoiding pain in life, but we deprive ourselves to the point of ill-health when we begin to chide ourselves finding and enjoying the pleasures of life.
Summing up
We’ve turned narcissism into a dirty word with harmful effects. The problem is not narcissism, because we are all narcissistic in some basic way. The problem with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is that the narcissism is insatiable and exploitative. The way we can avoid becoming like the toxic narcissist is by owning our own self-interest and aligning self-interest with the greater good. We can also establish a balance between the time and energy we spend expressing our healthy narcissism and our emotional and ethical commitments. Healthy narcissism is a core principle of my work and can be quite counter-intuitive at best, disgusting at worst. Let’s have a dialogue to better clarify and spread the message of this concept! Comment below, sign up for my mailing list, and/or follow me at @mindsplain on Twitter.