Introduction
Every parent makes mistakes with their kids. Kids are resilient and in many ways built to survive parental error. Almost all mistakes are forgivable–especially if they are recognized as mistakes. As a psychotherapist, I have observed a strange paradox time and time again: some of the most pernicious parenting mistakes are the ones about which parents are certain are not mistakes. That is to say, that these particular foibles contain three destructive elements: 1) The mistake is well intentioned and therefore is not recognized as harmful (and therefore may recur with high frequencies without the insensitivity being acknowledged); 2)The parent through superior power and intellect forces his/her conviction that the mistake is in fact beneficial to the child; and 3)The child believes that any negative feelings, misgivings, or correct intuitions he/she has about the behavior/attitude in questions are in fact proof of the child’s defectivity.
“some day, maybe, there will exist a well-informed, well-considered, and yet fervent public conviction that the most deadly of all possible sins is the mutilation of child’s spirit; for such mutilation undercuts the life principle of trust, without which every human act, may it feel ever so good and seem ever so right, is prone to perversion by destructive forms of conscientiousness.” – Erikson, 1958, p. 70
Below, you will find a list of the most common parenting strategies to which, in my experience, profound suffering and struggling can be traced back.
1. Helicopter Parenting
I use this term to refer to over-involved parents who micromanage their children’s lives, especially in educational contexts. Taking an interest in your child’s life is undoubtedly an aspect of parenting that fuels healthy development. We want children to feel that what they do matters, that they are worthy of attention and being known, and that we take their safety seriously. The problem is that we cannot help our children develop self-esteem if they have not had sufficient freedom to develop a self. While parental preoccupation with learning, achievement, and safety certainly show concern, concern about what is the relevant question? Often, the answer has more to do with a caregiver’s need to think of herself as a good parent, live vicariously, avoid negative judgment from the community, etc. In essence, with helicopter parents, the attention and concern the child receives has nothing to do with the child himself. What’s more, on some visceral level, your child knows this.
In response to a stifling, hovering environment, children learn several harmful things: 1. I must prioritize my parents’ needs; 2. I can’t trust myself; 3. Learning is not supposed to be fun; and 4. As long as I please Mom and Dad, I don’t need to create my own set of interests, likes, dislikes, and skills. Under these conditions, children learn to become quiet, introverted, tentative, shy. In later years they will be more prone to mental illness–especially anxiety and depression. They will be less resilient and less motivated.
In short, children need attention and concern, but here’s the kicker: the attention and concern has to be about unique aspects of the child’s growth, independence, interests, and relationships. It must be about them. Helicopters are for rescuing, otherwise they are obstacles on our children’s inborn drive to learning and development.
2. Providing Support Your Kid Doesn’t Need
If there are two things that kids are great at, one would be zealous pursuit of curiosity and learning, and another would be asking for help when they need it. So why then do grown ups feel the need to intervene when their help has not been requested? Well for one, it feels good to be needed. Second, watching kids learn also brings back anxious memories of our own struggles and frustrations to learn new things. But here’s the thing: playing, learning, exploring, completing tasks, etc. have very little value to kids if the process is interrupted in order to bring about a quick resolution. Kids are not nearly as bothered by the frustrations of learning as adults. Why not? Because learning and socialization are literally their only responsibilities!
What’s even crazier about this fact, is that when kids get frustrated and need help, they will ask for it! Well, they will ask for it if they have not had negative experiences of adults watching anxiously, intrusively intervening when tasks are not performed with perfect efficiency and fluidity. What is critical in helping children is not only waiting until you are asked to help, but also how much help you offer. Take a second to assess what your kid needs. How do you do this? You ask of course. Here is the tricky part: provide only the minimum amount of help your child needs to complete a task. Vygotsky, a renowned Russion developmental psychologist, refers to this learning space as the “zone of proximal development.” The hypothesis is that maximum learning occurs when the child receives only the minimum help necessary to reach their goal.
Not only does restraint help children learn, but it also develops key aspects of emotional intelligence. They learn to tolerate the frustration associated with struggle. They learn self-efficacy and develop self-confidence. They learn to be unconflicted about asking for help. They grow bolder in the kinds of challenges they want to undertake. One other underappreciated fact about learning and play is that not only is it fun for children, but it can also be an important mode of emotional regulation. It’s difficult to imagine more important lessons to learn.
Self-determined learning is essential for healthy development. Although you may think you are helping by guiding the round peg into the round hole, you are actually stealing from your child to reduce your own anxiety.
3. Using Punishment as a Motivator
One of the biggest sources of parenting misguidance is using punishment to address the absence of adaptive behavior. Take for example, not submitting a homework assignment. Vigilant parents track their child’s performance in school and intervene when kids slack off. Punishing instances of omitted action is less likely to be effective than working with your child to build up feelings of confidence, efficacy, and motivation. As a therapist, I see people struggle with doing things they don’t want to do everyday. Most people carry with them a self-punitive attitude about their lack of motivation, which in turn motivates them even less. My main role when intervening is to help people connect more to their desire for the outcome they seek than the “good boy” “good girl” mindset with which uninspired parenting has left them.
Addressing this type of inaction effectively is certainly much more work than doling out punishment. It requires attention, engagement and monitoring. Behavior plans, where kids/students earn points/rewards for every day they complete a desired task is one of the most common. Behavior plans reframe behavior as a means to achieving a desired end rather than as a vehicle through which you escape punishment. Non-judgmental problem solving can be productive as well. Help your child to make the desired behavior personally meaningful to them. If studying math is the issue, help your child to see what developing math skills can allow a grown-up to do. Help your child to realize that avoiding math leads to mistaken beliefs that “I am not good at math” that can interfere with all kinds of goals your child may create later in life. Focus on helping your child understand concepts and applications, rather than getting bogged down in the assignments themselves. Being good at something is motivating. A bad grad will not demoralize a student the way a ill-gotten belief that “math sucks” or “I’m too dumb to get math.” Punishing someone for avoiding a behavior that makes them feel bad does not address the underlying issue, and in fact, could make lacking motivation worse.
4. Overusing Praise
Kids want to be seen, and of course they want to please you. But compliments are too easily given. I can’t stand hearing exaggerated utterances of fawning over stick-figure drawings. “Oh my god that is BEAUTIFUL!” No, it’s not. What is it then? It’s an attempt to symbolize and communicate. Look at the features and identify the aspects of the drawing you recognize. “Oh look you put a bird over here. And over here I see some clouds.” The most nourishing form of flattery you can provide your child is the satisfaction of capturing your attention, getting you to engage with their creation, and observing you recognize what they created.
5. Focusing Too Much on Giving Your Kid What You Didn’t Have
Another phenomenon I have observed time and time again in clinical practice, is the perpetuation of negative behaviors and attitudes across generations despite conscious, preoccupied efforts to stop them. Allow me to give an example.
A new mother is aware of how many problems her own mother’s indifferent, neglectful parenting caused her. She will never let her child feel neglected or uncared for. Her new child will be the most loved and nurtured child so he never feels what the new mom felt in her childhood.
How can such a determined attitude go awry?
Well, this attitude though obviously well-intentioned, is inherently non-responsive. What about when times when the child needs space? To be left alone? How will this new mother feel when her child does not appreciate how hard she works to provide the love and care that was absent in her past?
In a way, this mother is not really taking care of her child as much as she is taking care of herself as a distressed child. Her child may fight for distance, recoil at from affection, and vow never to be such a smothering parent. Can you see now how the cycle perpetuates? Pushing against a problem is not getting rid of the problem. You are still very much governed by the old issues and retaining an intimate connection to the problem.
The good news is that these cycles are amenable to change and can be greatly reduced by helping parents find other ways of taking care of their own needs, and making them more sensitive and flexible in their responses to the her own children.
6. Frantic Negotiating With Temper Tantrums
It’s difficult to imagine a parent who does not know on some level that he/she is not supposed to reward a child’s tantrum by meeting all or some the child’s demands. Yet because we all can remember what it feels like to be powerless in the face of a powerful other’s “no,” many parents will simply rationalize why this time is the exception to standing firm. The implicit charge in your child’s tantrum that you are being cruel is the leverage that the child has by throwing a tantrum. I have addressed this issue in more depth here, but if I were to summarize the message of that post in one line, I would say:
If we wish to teach our children how to manage strong feelings with equanimity, we must demonstrate that we can respond calmly and confidently when our children cannot regulate their emotions.
I have outlined above 6 of the most pernicious, well-intentioned parenting mistakes I encounter in my clinical practice. Sadly, even though these mistakes are motivated by positive goals, the negative consequences of these mistakes are no less toxic than “mean-spirited” parenting errors. The six benevolent mistakes I highlighted are as follows: helicopter parenting, giving unnecessary support, using punishment as a motivator, overusing praise, overly focusing in giving your child what you didn’t, and caving to temper tantrums. Of course, avoiding such errors is easier said than done.
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