Introduction
Recently, I sought out a definition for passive-aggression–a term I felt I understood implicitly, but found difficult to define in precise terms. I came across one cheeky definition that I found compelling in a book by Ashta-Deb; the author defined passive aggression in the following way:
“Passive-Aggression – the act of being covertly spiteful with the intent of inflicting mental pain.”
I still like this definition very much. I find it especially validating when I’m on the receiving end of what I believe to be particularly nasty forms of passive-aggression.
Though I like Ashta-Deb’s snappy definition, it still left me with unanswered questions. For example, Is passive-aggression conscious or unconscious? Is it always “spiteful”? Is the “mental pain” it inflicts the same type of pain?
I further realized in searching for a definition for passive-aggressive behavior, that even though the term can be found in the psychoanalytic literature, its use transcends any particular theoretical orientation and/or school of thought. Over the years, the term appears to have been appropriated by the masses, which I believe means two things:
- Passive-Aggression is an easily recognizable phenomenon that intuitively resonates with most people and their real-life relationship and communication difficulties;
- The easy shift from early psychoanalytic theory into common parlance likely means that the term was adopted before its observers had fully reached a consensus on its definition. That is to say, passive aggression received a dictionary definition rather than a rich, comprehensive, and precise definition that helps people to understand exactly what the term includes and excludes.
Although I can’t claim that the definitions of passive-aggressive behavior presented here are authoritative, I believe them to be insightful explanations of passive-aggressive phenomena. To help give people the full picture of passive-aggression, I invited 13 experts to weigh in on the definition of passive-aggressive, whether or not there are subclassifications of passive-aggressive behavior, and how people should go about dealing with passive-aggressive loved ones.
N.B. I don’t include many of my own thoughts on the matter in this post, as I have provided my practical advice on how to deal with passive-aggressive behavior from loved ones in another post. You can read it here. The places I have added my own flourishes, I’ve marked with an “*”.
What is the Definition of Passive-Aggressive Behavior? A Summary of What the Experts Said:
- A behavior or set of behaviors;
- The behaviors are potentially chronic and compulsive to the point of being a defining personality feature;
- These behaviors are indirect & non-assertive;
- Said behaviors appear innocuous on the surface and provide the actor a cloak of deniability*;
- The behaviors express aggression, including (but not limited to) hostility, anger, dislike, frustration, resentment, resistance, and annoyance;
- In addition to expressing aggressive sentiment, passive-aggressive behaviors express a need / want or opposition / rebellion
- The “passive” in “passive-aggressive” is a manifestation of the core internal conflict between aggression and dependency needs*;
- Passivity stems from a lack of confidence and/or a feeling of disempowerment
- The internal or “intrapsychic conflict” can be seen in the Discordance between what is said, the tone of what is said, and the resulting action;
- Opposition is expressed as false compliance;
- Non-compliance implicitly conveys a claim to power;
- Passive actor’s claim to power stems from activation of the recipient’s core annihilation anxieties–especially fear of abandonment & losing control*.
Types of Passive-Aggressive Behavior:
- Forgetting
- Sabotage
- Hidden Meanings (with “plausible deniability”)
- Target-focused
- (I’m mad at YOU);
- Other-focused
- (I’m mad at someone we both know; e.g., gossip);
- Self-deprecation / Martyrdom / Masochism / Self-Destruction / Self-Defeating Behavior
- Lying (by commission, and especially omission);
- Apparent or Momentary Compliance;
- Disguised Revenge;
- Withholding.
- E.g., effort (e.g., lateness, procrastinating, postponing, doing a poor job), sex, affection, money, etc.
Examples of Passive-Aggressive Behavior:
- Sabotaging
- Sarcasm or subtle, disguised insults (potentially even as compliments)
- Gossiping
- Self-harm
- Blaming others or making excuses
- Playing the victim, masochism, Acts of martyrdom
- Sulking
- Ignoring, The “Silent Treatment”
- Avoiding clear, reparative communication
- “Forgetting” to do a chore/task
- Doing an agreed-upon chore or task poorly
- Doing the thing and acting sullen about it
- Lack of eye contact and/or eye-rolling
- An aggravated tone
- Grumpiness
- Action/Inaction (e.g., leaving the toilet seat up when they know it bothers you, or not taking out the trash when it’s their turn).”
Tips on Dealing with Passive-Aggressive Behavior:
- Revisit instances of passive-aggressive behavior later (as Fred Pine would say, “strike while the iron is cold”;
- Gently ask if the person is willing to take a risk and share;
- Expose passive-aggressive behavior to the light: confront it calmly, directly, and assertively;
- Be consistent in setting limits around passive-aggressive behavior such that the avoidance inherent to the passivity does not become a reinforced behavior
- Privately record instances of passive-aggressive behavior to illustrate the validity of your concern;
- Set a time to discuss with the passive-aggressive person, illustrate your concerns with collected examples, and focus on how the behaviors impacted you;
- Seek the help of a therapist and invite the passive-aggressive party to communicate in the presence of someone trained to address these issues;
- Work towards your own understanding of why the passive-aggressive person expresses discontent the way they do. Draw upon this understanding to prevent taking passive-aggressive behavior personally;
- Adopt a stance of curiosity rather than offense, indignance, or moralism;
- Model the direct, non-threatening, communication you expect from the other person, communicating that both of you can trust the other more by engaging one another in such a manner;
- Be transparent (yet non-accusatory) with the passive-aggressive person;
- Draw out the passive-aggressive person by creating emotional safety;
- Enhance emotional safety by validating fear and anxiety around direct communication (i.e., the fear of rejection and abandonment);
- Focus on listening and validating when negative feelings are expressed (or as Douglas Noll says “listen into existence”);
- Designate weekly times where both parties in a relationship can practice airing grievances, expressing feelings, and communicating their needs in a non-threatening manner as a way of building a norm of open, honest communication;
- Assert your own boundaries and needs in response to the passive-aggressive behavior;
- Cultivate a mindset of acceptance around passive-aggressive behavior as a way of not making it about you;
- Consider taking an extinguishing approach, ignoring passive-aggressive outbursts and thus providing neither positive nor negative reinforcement (taking care not to be engaging in retaliatory passive-aggressive behavior);
- Avoid the trap of acting from a place of guilt, giving yourself permission to take necessary measures to maintain your own wellbeing–this includes being willing to end the relationship.
Honing In On A Definition For Passive-Aggressive Behavior?
Diving deeper into what each of the 13 health, mental health, and relationship experts defined passive-aggressive behavior, let’s look at them one by one.
Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C, Couples Counselor
“Passive-aggressive behavior is when a person acts in a way that is resistant or hostile to someone else without being upfront about their intentions, couching their words or actions in behaviors that superficially seem innocuous but in fact are communicating their negative feelings indirectly.”
Classifying Ways of being Passive-Aggressive:
Bilek distinguishes between three categories of passive-aggressive behavior:
- “Forgetting: you pretend to or deliberately forget to do something such that the other person is inconvenienced, offended, or harmed by the oversight. For example, you neglect to pack your partner’s shirts when preparing for a trip, and when you arrive, they have no shirts to wear.
- Sabotage: you intentionally mess something up while insisting it wasn’t on purpose. For example, you are angry at your spouse so you break their favorite mug while washing the dishes, claiming it was an accident.
- Hidden meanings: you make a comment that is intended to be hurtful but insist that it was not. For example, you ask a sarcastic question but then insist you meant it genuinely.”
Raffi Bilek’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:
“A helpful way of dealing with such behavior is to avoid confronting it head on, but rather to circle back to it later and then ask them what’s up. You can point to what happened, saying something like, ‘you know, I noticed that you sounded a little upset when you made that comment earlier’ – then you ask them if they can share with you what might be upsetting them – ‘is something bothering you that you can tell me about? I’d like to hear what’s going on for you.’
This assumes that there is a certain level of open communication in your relationship. If the channel of communication isn’t very open, that would be a good place to start in dealing with a problem of passive-aggressive behavior.”
-Raffi Bilek
Lee Keyes, PhD, Licensed Psychologist / Consultant
“Behaving and communicating aggressively, but in an indirect manner (which is what makes it passive). This can occur through veiled aggressiveness (negative innuendo or teasing) in the presence of the “target,” or through more hostile aggressiveness about the target to one or more others. This second type may also be called mobilization or triangulation. It is a very destructive pattern, partly because of the harm it produces, but also because it provides no immediately healthy or obvious means to resolve the conflict, which only belongs to the two parties involved.”
Classifying Ways of being Passive-Aggressive:
Dr. Keyes classifies passive-aggressive behavior as falling into one of two categories:
- Target-focused
- Other-focused
In the former, the aggrieved party directs passive-aggressive behavior at the offender. In the latter, the passive-aggressive person triangulates a third party or parties through gossip, conspiratorial action, and/or other schemes.
Lee Keyes’ Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:
“Just like vampires, passive-aggressiveness thrives in the dark, and can be managed by shedding light on it. In the context of relationships this means addressing the offender directly, calmly, and firmly. Should a third party share the passive-aggressive behavior back to you, you could respond by saying ‘That doesn’t match any facts as I know them,’ and/or ‘I’m always open to communicating directly with anyone who has concerns about me. Send them my way.’ This second option is also an effort to de-triangulate the third party from the conflict. These are not easy tasks and there is no one perfect response. So practice it and you will get better with time.”
-Lee Keyes
Natasha Ivanović, Forensic Psychologist / Writer
“Passive-aggressive behavior is when someone is harboring negative feelings indirectly to someone. Instead of the person expressing how they feel, they use tactics such as blaming others, victimization, sulking, ignoring, and non-communication. We can all behave in a passive-aggressive manner from time to time, but the frequency is what makes passive-aggressiveness toxic and abusive.”
Natasha Ivanović’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:
“It’s easy to give in when someone you love is behaving passive aggressively, but it’s important to avoid enabling them. If you allow this behavior, they have no incentive to change.”
-Natasha Ivanović
Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill, LMFT Marriage & Family Psychotherapist / Ed.S. Marriage & Family Psychotherapy / Author
“Working with couples over many years, I have seen passive-aggressive behaviors destroy marriages. Passive aggressiveness is classified as a personality disorder, it is complicated and difficult to change. Individual psychotherapy can be helpful, and as well, I have found, my work with couples in looking closely at how this disorder is harming their relationship can provide motivation for awareness and then some change-ups for the couple.”
Gilchrest O’Neill offers several examples of how passive-aggressive behavior manifests. She states:
“Defining passive-aggressive with behavioral examples:
- Using sarcasm too often — blaming others about situations that are clearly about their own making
- procrastinating and/or not remembering to do something a spouse or boss has asked of them; no sense of urgency
- Resentment over requests from others
- Being unable to be emotionally open — often angry, hostile in describing a passive-aggressive spouse”
Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:
“I would suggest that the partner struggling should:
- Watch carefully over a period of time and jot notes down on situations that best exemplify the passive aggressive behavior
- Ask their partner ahead of time to agree on a meeting to discuss your struggle; you may find this gets rescheduled several times, be patient and calm
- If the meeting never happens, seek out the help of a therapist, asking your partner to attend an initial session with you
- Even if a meeting happens, chances are, eventually, you will still need to seek out the help of a therapist — passive-aggressive behavior, unfortunately is very difficult to get under control”
– Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill
John Kenny, “The Relationship Guy” / Relationship Coach
“Passive-aggressive behavior can be defined as when someone does not openly address their negative feelings towards someone/something, but instead addresses things indirectly.”
Classifying Ways of being Passive-Aggressive:
“I would suggest that you could break down passive-aggressive into 3 types of category:
- Acting out by aiming their indirect behavior at the person they are angry with.
- Negatively discussing the person they are unhappy with to others – trying to get them on side or see the person badly.
- Self-Deprecation – putting themselves down or harming themselves in order to manage their emotions.”
Kenny also outlines some of the most frequent examples of passive-aggressive behavior. These include:
- Sabotaging
- Sarcasm/Disguised Insults
- Gossiping
- The silent treatment
- Self-harm
John Kenny’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:
“The reason that the person exhibits this type of behavior is because they do not know how to or are unable to address how they feel openly. If you are willing to offer them a safe space in order to express themselves, then you will create the opposite environment that triggered their way of dealing with things in the first place. It is okay for you to address it with them as well, letting them know that you are aware that they are struggling with something but the way they are dealing with it is not appropriate. Knowing that they have an issue expressing themselves means that you do not have take it personally and that will help you to see the behavior more objectively and less emotionally.”
-John Kenny
Talia Litman, Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT)
“Passive aggression is the indirect communication of anger, annoyance, frustration, or irritability. To take it a level deeper, passive aggression is the indirect communication of a need that’s not being met, which is nestled beneath the anger, such as a desire for connection, appreciation, or respect.”
According to Litman, “passive aggression takes lots of forms:
- An aggravated tone
- Silent treatment
- Subtle insults
- Sarcasm
- Grumpiness
- Action/Inaction (e.g., leaving the toilet seat up when they know it bothers you, or not taking out the trash when it’s their turn).”
Talia Litman’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:
“When you notice or suspect your partner is acting passive-aggressively, try not to get critical or defensive, and get curious instead. Recognize that they have a need that’s not being met, and they’re struggling to communicate it directly. Ask them when is a good time to talk. Let them know that you’ve noticed they seem a bit upset or irritated (you can give examples).
Ask them if there’s anything they want to share so you can understand better what they’re going through. You can also ask if there’s anything you can do to help.
Stay calm and non-reactive, even if their frustration is related to you. By wanting to learn about their needs and concerns, you are showing you care about them and the relationship. You are also role-modeling open communication which, if you both practice often enough, will reduce passive-aggressive exchanges between you. When you’re communicating honestly and regularly, there’s no need to communicate in a passive, less effective way.”
-Talia Litman
Douglas Noll, JD / MA / Professor / Author /Peacemaker / Mediator
‘Any behavior when a person says ‘yes’ in apparent obediance or obesiance and actually does the opposite. In other words, passive-aggressive people say ‘yes’ and do ‘no.'”
Classifying Ways of being Passive-Aggressive:
Instead of offering “types” of passive-aggressive behavior, Noll approaches passive-aggressive behavior from the standpoint of contextual features that result in passive-aggressiveness. The contexts in which people prone to passive-aggressiveness tend to express passive-aggressive behavior include:
- “The passive-aggressive person is conflict incompetent and therefore avoids the painful emotions of conflict at all costs.
- The passive-aggressive person does not know how to negotiate for what she/he needs or wants and resorts to manipulation.
- The passive-aggressive person perceives himself/herself in a position of low power or status and therefore is obligated by the norms of the hierarchy to agree to things not liked. Passive-aggressiveness is a way to assert power without rocking the boat or upsetting the power structure.
- The passive-aggressive person is a dysfunctional pleaser with an unconscious desire to be liked, even at the expense of personal integrity.”
Douglas Noll’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:
- “Create emotional safety
- Talk about the fear by listening to your partner’s anxiety
- Recognize and acknowledge your partner’s deep-seated fear of abandonment and rejection.
- Listen and validate your partner’s emotional experience. I call this ‘listening your partner into existence.'”
-Douglas Noll
Jennifer Hamady, Author / Therapist
“Passive aggression is a form of communication stemming from a lack of confidence in the outcome of that communication or a sense of disempowerment in the dynamic.”
Jennifer Hamady’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:
“In intimate relationships, prioritizing healthy communication is critical. It is the backbone of a strong relational dynamic, as well as growth together as a couple. Passive-aggression emerges when one or both people feel unheard, unloved, or that their needs and wants are not being met.
It’s tempting to tackle the passive aggression head on. But it’s important to remember that it is generally symptomatic of greater concerns, which should be the focus. Scheduling a daily or weekly time where both people can share their fears, concerns, and frustrations– uninterrupted– and be heard is an important first step, followed by creating agreed upon shifts in behavior. By co-creating predictable and positive outcomes, as well as regular time for sharing and listening to one another, frustration begins to dissipate and along with it, passive-aggression.”
-Jennifer Hamady
Nancy Irwin, PsyD, Clinical Psychologist
“Any behavior that is not assertive or exclusively aggressive or passive. It is behavior that appears to be passive, but is in reality masking aggression.”
Classifying Ways of being Passive-Aggressive:
- “Martyrdom can be considered a sub-category of passive-aggressive behavior. It appears the person is ‘taking one for the team’ but in reality is holding something up as a lesson for others, or creating needless guilt.
- Lying can also be considered a sub-category of p-a behavior. Sometimes people lie to keep up appearances or to people please, but in reality are withholding the truth.”
Nancy Irwin’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:
“Create a safe environment where they can feel safe telling the truth, being assertive, and transparent. This may include couples therapy, or reading self-help books on assertive communication. It certainly can be learned.”
-Nancy Irwin
Sandra Larson, Nurse / Relationship Expert
“Passive aggressive behavior entails expressing negative feelings indirectly instead of addressing them openly. This maintained communication pattern is associated with a blatant disconnect between what the passive aggressive individual is saying and doing. For instance, a person might seem to be agreeing with your instructions, even more enthusiastically, but then fail to act on it or match the passion shown.”
Classifying Ways of being Passive-Aggressive:
“There are different levels of passive aggression. What distinguishes the aggression levels is how far the person is willing to go to get back to you or other people. The categories are;
- Momentary Compliance. This is the most common form of passive aggression. The individual will usually agree with you but will intentionally delay their behavioral reaction. Besides delaying to act, they deliberately act inadequately in full disregard of the end result.
- Disguised Revenge. Here, the passive-aggressive person deliberately fails to act accordingly or takes a covert action to initiate anguish. The individual sabotages your progress by either failing to act as agreed or doing something evil as a way of getting back to you.
- Self Destruction: The last category of passive aggression involves the person putting their well-being on the line to get back at you. This pathological behavior might include inflicting harm or enduring an uncomfortable spell to make a point.”
Sandra Larson’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:
“If your partner exhibits passive-aggressive behavior, try as much to identify the aggression triggers and set healthy boundaries for yourself. Playing the passive-aggressive game can be hard and taxing on the relationship and it will take time to work out how to go about it.
So, identify what triggers the aggression, approach your partner with empathy, and initiate the discussion. Whether it’s low self-esteem or the feeling of inadequacy, accept the situation and find ways to get a discussion going. Remember, eliminating the behavior can be challenging, but involving a therapist can be helpful.
Most partners won’t even acknowledge the behavior at first. A therapy session helps your partner hear from a neutral party and possibly open up about the triggers. It might take some time, but this might be the start of a healing process, and most importantly, better communication in the future.”
-Sandra Larson
Brooke Smith, PhD, Business Consultant / MindBody Expert
“Passive aggressive behavior is an indirect expression of opposition. It’s characterized by direct or verbal agreement followed by indirect or non-verbal resistance, anger, or resentment.”
Classifying Ways of being Passive-Aggressive:
“There is no universally accepted sub-categorization of passive aggression. For the reader, the most important distinction is what behaviors they are willing to accept in their loved one vs behaviors that are absolute dealbreakers. Even the most loving, well-adjusted adults are likely to behave a little bit passive-aggressively, once in a while. I’ll admit – I like to be punctual, but for events I don’t really want to go to I wait to get ready until the last possible moment. Given that most adults have the capacity for some passive-aggressive behavior, the thing we really need to be clear on in our relationships is what we are and are not willing to accept.”
Dr. Smith offers the following examples of passive-aggressive behavior:
- “‘forgetting’ to do a chore/task
- intentionally doing a chore/task poorly
- doing the thing and acting sullen about it
- lack of eye contact
- making excuses
- ignoring someone in a conversation
- criticisms disguised as compliments or jokes”
Brooke Smith’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:
“The number one rule of dealing with other people is that you cannot change them. Period. People can and do change, but it’s because they choose to. Don’t ever make decisions about a relationship from the stance of hoping they will change.
How does this apply to dealing with a loved one’s passive aggressive behavior?
- Know that it has nothing to do with you. Your partner’s passive-aggressive behavior is *their* avoidance strategy. You aren’t making them behave in this way. It’s not your fault. And it’s not a reflection of you as an individual or your relationship with them.
- You do choose how to respond. You can choose to not engage with passive-aggressive behavior. Remember, if you choose to not play along, you aren’t doing this out of the hopes that you will train them to behave differently. You can, however, choose to not engage with it because it is simply not worthwhile for you.
- You also get to choose whether to maintain a close relationship with this person. You are allowed to end a relationship that isn’t working for you, or spend less time with this person. You get to choose who you want to be around, and how much.
- You are also allowed to maintain a close relationship and accept their passive-aggressive behavior. You’re a grown up and you can choose to have a close relationship with someone who exhibits passive-aggressive behavior. Whatever you do, know that there is great power in accepting that you cannot change other people. The first and most obvious step is to stop outwardly trying to change them. The real magic is in letting go of the quiet wish that they were different, or the lingering hope that they’ll change.
Accepting people as they are and expecting that they will continue to be who they are (and, if they do change, it will have nothing to do with you and might not be what you want) empowers you to focus your time and energy on the things you CAN influence like how you show up, who you keep close, and what you spend time on.”
-Brooke Smith
Christian de la Huerta, Spiritual Teacher / Transformation Coach / Author
“Passive-Aggressiveness is a way of rebelling, an attempt to unhealthily and indirectly assert our power, though not very gracefully or, in the long term, effectively. On the outside we may be saying “Yes, dear,” while internally, perhaps even subconsciously, we are thinking: “Screw you; I’ll do it when I’m good and ready. I’ll show you who has the real power here.”
This pattern of behavior often reveals itself in the workplace, by sabotaging projects, for example, or dragging our feet, slowing down production. We may be saying ‘yes’ but our actions reveal ‘no.’ In personal relationships, withholding sex can be an expression of passive-aggressiveness—an even more complex form of resistance. We may say ‘Sorry, honey, I have a headache,’ but our internal dialogue may be more like: “Hell will freeze over before you get any tonight!’ As poet and playwright Oscar Wilde quipped with his inimitable wit and piercing perspective into human nature: ‘Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.’
What’s the downside? How does passive-aggressiveness harm us? Even though this behavior is often subconscious, saying one thing and being another generates internal conflict and requires high levels of psychic energy expenditure. We deny—even to ourselves—that we are acting out in a rebellious or resistant manner. Ultimately, it is neither empowering nor satisfying. Though this, like other power games, might bring about some immediate pleasure, such as driving another to the point of exasperation and losing their cool, that feeling is temporary and does not provide the relief that an authentic expression of personal power brings about. Even to ourselves, if we are honest, it feels sneaky, subterranean, and lame. At some level we know we are weaseling out of a confrontation.
There is such freedom—and power—in just being ourselves and simply saying what works for us and what does not!”
Christian de la Huerta’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:
“Ideally, they would have to be open to doing their work, meaning being willing to feel uncomfortable feelings and having potentially difficult conversations to get to the core of what was really going on.
The strategy would be to create a safe space in which they were able to communicate what was really going on under the surface. They would have to feel safe enough in the container of the relationship to communicate their feelings of anger, grief, betrayal or disappointment—what works and doesn’t work for them. That may lead to even deeper feelings about how they felt as a result of a given circumstance or behavior. Being able to hold that space with acceptance and equanimity even when being blamed or asked to hold responsibility for something is not easy. That’s why professional help would be recommended.”
-Christian de la Huerta
Valentina Dragomir, Licensed Psychotherapist
“We define as passive-aggressive a set of behaviors that show an indirect expression of feelings of frustration, dislike or anger. Passive-aggressive behavior stems from a person’s inability to assertively express how they feel and what they actually want. Communicating assertively and being emotionally open is not easy sometimes, so a person may find it easier to do something passive-aggressive to deal with a problem.”
Classifying Ways of being Passive-Aggressive:
“There are a few common types of passive aggression that I have encountered:
- Postponing to do something or doing it wrong: not being able to say no, some people accept tasks that they don’t want to do and as a consequence, they will keep postponing the tasks or do them wrong or incomplete to send their message.
- Forgetting to do something the person initially agreed to do: if this happens almost all the time, the person being unable to keep their promises (appointments/commitments), he/she might not be able to say no in the first place. Forgetting is one way to express this.
- Purposefully seeking hidden revenge: some people who avoid confrontations or conflicts and still want to get back at someone who did them wrong, might do something to get their revenge. They might post something vague on social media that might refer to that person or purposefully send a mean message to the ‘wrong person’.”
Valentina Dragomir’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People:
“Assertive communication can help deal with a loved one’s or intimate partner’s passive-aggressive behavior. The ‘I’ statements help by not blaming and putting pressure on your loved one.
When you ask him/her to do something, be sure to be very specific in your request. Another way assertive communication helps is by providing an example of communication your significant other can learn. This type of communication helps people who have passive aggressive behavior talk openly about their difficulties, needs and wants, which in time can replace passive-aggression.
Be consistent with your requests and have patience. Appreciate your partner when the tasks or requests are completed without difficulty. This is important, as he/she can learn through positive validation to overcome passive-aggression.”
-Valentina Dragomir
Tolstoy’s insights into passive-aggressive people in Anna Karenina:
“[He]…made the observation that when one is uncomfortable with people from their being excessively amenable & meek, one is apt very soon after to find things intolerable from their touchiness & irritability.” pic.twitter.com/q2SvcSmr3p
— Michael Kinsey, Ph.D. (@mindsplain) December 1, 2020
Wrapping Up
In this article, I’ve attempted to crowd-source expert perspectives on definitions, types, and examples of passive-aggressive behavior. The experts presented here collectively painted a picture of a broad concept that includes a wide array of phenomena. I’m grateful to the experts who took the time to provide their insights; they’ve provided a solid foundation for a continuing dialogue on the definition of passive-aggressive. I invite readers to comment with questions and to share some of the ways that they are able to bring these varied perspectives into a unified definition.