<?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"?><rss version="2.0" xmlns:content="http://purl.org/rss/1.0/modules/content/" xmlns:wfw="http://wellformedweb.org/CommentAPI/" xmlns:dc="http://purl.org/dc/elements/1.1/" xmlns:atom="http://www.w3.org/2005/Atom" xmlns:sy="http://purl.org/rss/1.0/modules/syndication/" xmlns:slash="http://purl.org/rss/1.0/modules/slash/" xmlns:georss="http://www.georss.org/georss" xmlns:geo="http://www.w3.org/2003/01/geo/wgs84_pos#" > <channel> <title>therapist for narcissistic abuse Archives - Mindsplain</title> <atom:link href="https://mindsplain.com/tag/therapist-for-narcissistic-abuse/feed/" rel="self" type="application/rss+xml" /> <link>https://mindsplain.com/tag/therapist-for-narcissistic-abuse/</link> <description>Make mental health playful.</description> <lastBuildDate>Sun, 13 Dec 2020 00:46:46 +0000</lastBuildDate> <language>en-US</language> <sy:updatePeriod> hourly </sy:updatePeriod> <sy:updateFrequency> 1 </sy:updateFrequency> <generator>https://wordpress.org/?v=6.7.1</generator> <image> <url>https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/cropped-mindsplain_logo.png?fit=32%2C32&ssl=1</url> <title>therapist for narcissistic abuse Archives - Mindsplain</title> <link>https://mindsplain.com/tag/therapist-for-narcissistic-abuse/</link> <width>32</width> <height>32</height> </image> <site xmlns="com-wordpress:feed-additions:1">173142071</site> <item> <title>Transcendent Parenting: A Workbook For Parents Sharing Children With Narcissists</title> <link>https://mindsplain.com/transcendent-parenting/</link> <comments>https://mindsplain.com/transcendent-parenting/#comments</comments> <dc:creator><![CDATA[Michael Kinsey, Ph.D.]]></dc:creator> <pubDate>Thu, 03 Sep 2020 23:06:36 +0000</pubDate> <category><![CDATA[Children & Parenting]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Narcissism]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Relationships]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Toxic Relationship]]></category> <category><![CDATA[counseling for narcissistic abuse]]></category> <category><![CDATA[narcissism]]></category> <category><![CDATA[narcissist]]></category> <category><![CDATA[narcissistic abuse therapy]]></category> <category><![CDATA[narcissistic personality]]></category> <category><![CDATA[npd]]></category> <category><![CDATA[parenting]]></category> <category><![CDATA[parenting advice]]></category> <category><![CDATA[parenting tips]]></category> <category><![CDATA[parenting wisdom]]></category> <category><![CDATA[psychologist for narcissistic abuse]]></category> <category><![CDATA[therapist for narcissistic abuse]]></category> <category><![CDATA[transcendent parenting]]></category> <category><![CDATA[treatment for narcissistic abuse]]></category> <guid isPermaLink="false">https://mindsplain.com/?p=2192</guid> <description><![CDATA[<p>Transcendent Parenting: A Workbook For Parents Sharing Children With Narcissists is a new book by Michael Kinsey, Ph.D. He developed the Transcendent Parenting system with the aim to of keeping you and your child focused on the things that matter most, rather than becoming caught up in time-consuming, energy-depleting, petty conflict with a narcissist. Here is an interview with the author. What is Transcendent Parenting (TP)? I developed Transcendent Parenting to help mothers and fathers who have children with narcissists navigate the never-ending flow of annoyances that arise from collaborating and coordinating with narcissists. Narcissists have a way of making very simple transactions complicated and contentious. The philosophy behind Transcendent Parenting is based in the emotional dynamics of narcissism. In particular, I find that narcissists consistently jockey to be the favored parent, the “good guy/gal,” the fun one, the laid back one, etc. This usually translates into a lot of provocations of the ex and manipulation of the child. Transcendent Parenting is designed to help parents sniff out narcissistic behavior and respond in ways that are effective, …</p> <p>The post <a href="https://mindsplain.com/transcendent-parenting/">Transcendent Parenting: A Workbook For Parents Sharing Children With Narcissists</a> appeared first on <a href="https://mindsplain.com">Mindsplain</a>.</p> ]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Transcendent Parenting: A Workbook For Parents Sharing Children With Narcissists </span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">is a new book by Michael Kinsey, Ph.D. He developed the Transcendent Parenting system with the aim to of keeping you and your child focused on the things that matter most, rather than becoming caught up in time-consuming, energy-depleting, petty conflict with a narcissist.</span></p> <p>Here is an interview with the author.</p> <p><iframe src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Q-3-ur8017g" width="560" height="315" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen"></iframe></p> <h3><span style="font-weight: 400;">What is Transcendent Parenting (TP)?</span></h3> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I developed Transcendent Parenting to help mothers and fathers who have children with narcissists navigate the never-ending flow of annoyances that arise from collaborating and coordinating with narcissists. Narcissists have a way of making very simple transactions complicated and contentious. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The philosophy behind Transcendent Parenting is based in the <a href="https://mindsplain.com/narcissistic-personality/">emotional dynamics of narcissism</a>. In particular, I find that narcissists consistently jockey to be the favored parent, the “good guy/gal,” the fun one, the laid back one, etc. This usually translates into a lot of provocations of the ex and manipulation of the child. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Transcendent Parenting is designed to help parents sniff out narcissistic behavior and respond in ways that are effective, aligned with parents’ values as well as the needs of children. </span></p> <h3><span style="font-weight: 400;">Who is Transcendent Parenting for?</span></h3> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">In many ways, Transcendent Parenting is a system that works for any parent struggling to adjust to a co-parenting situation. Even “normal” people (that is, non-narcissists) become more narcissistic when the ego gets bruised in the harrowing trials of separations and divorce. Primarily though, I wrote Transcendent Parenting for the ex-partners and ex-spouses of narcissists that have children with the narcissist ex.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Unfortunately, far too many variations of this type of arrangement make writing a step-by-step, practical guide nearly impossible. There are a million ways narcissists’ relationships implode. Instead of trying to give concrete and practical tips, Transcendent Parenting aims to help parents do the work of coping, reflecting on values, and setting big-picture goals that will prevent parents from getting baited into petty feuds.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I would not recommend <i>Transcendent Parenting: A Workbook For Parents Sharing Children With Narcissists</i> as a stand-alone system for dealing with coercive control and/or domestic violence. However, Transcendent Parenting does provide an essential perspective for any parent who needs to communicate with a narcissist for the sake of a child.</span></p> <p><iframe src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/-JbYZb8kgVQ" width="560" height="315" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen"></iframe></p> <h3><span style="font-weight: 400;">What do you see as the main challenges that the ex’s of narcissists face while co-parenting children?</span></h3> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The main challenge is morale. Narcissists wear their opponents down. The reason narcissists are so maligned, I believe, is because they are skilled in getting others to lose their way, doubt their own minds, and feel completely incompetent. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Parenting is incredibly challenging without a saboteur attempting to derail parenting efforts. Finding a way to connect with goals and values, as well as devising ways to validate angry and painful experiences is the best way to keep parents’ spirits up.</span></p> <p style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://mindsplain.com/product/transcendent-parenting-coparenting-narcissist/"><img data-recalc-dims="1" fetchpriority="high" decoding="async" class="aligncenter size-large wp-image-2218" src="https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/TrascendentParentingNarcissistsMichaelKinseyPhD.png?resize=642%2C1024&ssl=1" alt="Transcendent Parenting: A Workbook for Parents Sharing Children with a Narcissist" width="642" height="1024" srcset="https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/TrascendentParentingNarcissistsMichaelKinseyPhD.png?resize=642%2C1024&ssl=1 642w, https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/TrascendentParentingNarcissistsMichaelKinseyPhD.png?resize=188%2C300&ssl=1 188w, https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/TrascendentParentingNarcissistsMichaelKinseyPhD.png?resize=768%2C1226&ssl=1 768w, https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/TrascendentParentingNarcissistsMichaelKinseyPhD.png?resize=963%2C1536&ssl=1 963w, https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/TrascendentParentingNarcissistsMichaelKinseyPhD.png?resize=1283%2C2048&ssl=1 1283w, https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/TrascendentParentingNarcissistsMichaelKinseyPhD.png?resize=600%2C957&ssl=1 600w, https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/TrascendentParentingNarcissistsMichaelKinseyPhD.png?w=1410&ssl=1 1410w" sizes="(max-width: 642px) 100vw, 642px" /></a></p> <h3><span style="font-weight: 400;">Is Transcendent Parenting a co-parenting approach to raising children with Narcissists?</span></h3> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Many survivors of narcissistic abuse contend that traditional “co-parenting” with narcissists is a fool’s errand. I believe this is valid in many cases. However, I don’t believe that there is a foolproof way to deal with parenting alongside a narcissist. Some situations require a co-parenting approach, other situations demand parallel or so-called <a href="https://www.narcissisticabuserehab.com/coparenting-narcissist/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">“counter-parenting.”</a> </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Transcendent Parenting is a system that can flexibly accommodate many different philosophies and approaches to raising a child shared with a narcissist. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I believe parents need to be empowered to find what works with their narcissists and their circumstances. Transcendent Parenting allows parents to adopt a strength-based approach to parenting, develop a better understanding of how narcissists work to undermine them, work towards acceptance of highly unfavorable parenting conditions, and acting in a manner that allows parents to feel proud whether the narcissist and/or the child approve of the actions taken.</span></p> <p><iframe loading="lazy" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/T6WV624I2aY" width="560" height="315" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen"></iframe></p> <h3><span style="font-weight: 400;">Can you share some of what people can expect from the workbook? What can readers/users expect to get out of the content?</span></h3> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Sure. One the first thing readers will learn is some of the nuts and bolts of my integrative model of narcissism. I’ve drawn from several theoretical models of narcissism to create one that really does help people understand the mind of the narcissist and cope with antagonistic behavior.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Second, the workbook contains several invaluable assessment tools. These tools help to create clarity around what are a parent’s strengths, weaknesses, goals, and values. Readers can also apply the tools to their children and narcissists. Using these tools sheds light on how a parent can focus his/her effort to meet a child’s needs and support the relationship the child has with the narcissist without internal conflict.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Third, readers will encounter challenging but affirming information about what difficulties they will encounter, what they will need to do to stay on track, and how to help their children and themselves contextualize the narcissist’s behavior in favorable ways while still allowing for anger and hatred that lingers from past and present offences.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">People will find much more in the workbook, of course. I’m making a digital copy of the book available for free during the month of September, 2020. I encourage parents to take advantage of this resource while it’s still available free of charge.</span></p> <p>To download your FREE copy of the first two chapters, subscribe to the Mindsplain newsletter <script>(function() { window.mc4wp = window.mc4wp || { listeners: [], forms: { on: function(evt, cb) { window.mc4wp.listeners.push( { event : evt, callback: cb } ); } } } })(); </script><!-- Mailchimp for WordPress v4.9.21 - https://wordpress.org/plugins/mailchimp-for-wp/ --><form id="mc4wp-form-1" class="mc4wp-form mc4wp-form-1765" method="post" data-id="1765" data-name="Newsletter" ><div class="mc4wp-form-fields"><p> <label>Email address: <input type="email" name="EMAIL" placeholder="Your email address" required /> </label> </p> <p> <input type="submit" value="Sign up" /> </p></div><label style="display: none !important;">Leave this field empty if you're human: <input type="text" name="_mc4wp_honeypot" value="" tabindex="-1" autocomplete="off" /></label><input type="hidden" name="_mc4wp_timestamp" value="1736621628" /><input type="hidden" name="_mc4wp_form_id" value="1765" /><input type="hidden" name="_mc4wp_form_element_id" value="mc4wp-form-1" /><div class="mc4wp-response"></div></form><!-- / Mailchimp for WordPress Plugin --></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The full version of </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Transcendent Parenting: A Workbook For Parents Sharing Children With Narcissists</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> is available for purchase </span><a href="https://mindsplain.com/product/transcendent-parenting-coparenting-narcissist/"><span style="font-weight: 400;">HERE</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;">.</span></p> <h2>What people are saying</h2> <p> </p> <blockquote class="twitter-tweet"> <p dir="ltr" lang="en">Highly recommend anyone who’s suffered abuse to look at <a href="https://twitter.com/mindsplain?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@mindsplain</a> some of the best analysis+understanding of abusive behaviour just bought his book “transcendent parenting” <img src="https://s.w.org/images/core/emoji/15.0.3/72x72/1f44f.png" alt="👏" class="wp-smiley" style="height: 1em; max-height: 1em;" /><img src="https://s.w.org/images/core/emoji/15.0.3/72x72/1f44f.png" alt="👏" class="wp-smiley" style="height: 1em; max-height: 1em;" /><img src="https://s.w.org/images/core/emoji/15.0.3/72x72/1f44f.png" alt="👏" class="wp-smiley" style="height: 1em; max-height: 1em;" /> <a href="https://t.co/3KtkHjuZP8">https://t.co/3KtkHjuZP8</a></p> <p>— Just another court ordered mum (@HM63048666) <a href="https://twitter.com/HM63048666/status/1323868443284824066?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 4, 2020</a></p></blockquote> <p><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></p> <p>The post <a href="https://mindsplain.com/transcendent-parenting/">Transcendent Parenting: A Workbook For Parents Sharing Children With Narcissists</a> appeared first on <a href="https://mindsplain.com">Mindsplain</a>.</p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>https://mindsplain.com/transcendent-parenting/feed/</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>1</slash:comments> <post-id xmlns="com-wordpress:feed-additions:1">2192</post-id> </item> <item> <title>Dear Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse: Own Your Healthy Narcissism!</title> <link>https://mindsplain.com/healthy-narcissism/</link> <dc:creator><![CDATA[Michael Kinsey, Ph.D.]]></dc:creator> <pubDate>Sun, 21 Jun 2020 21:33:42 +0000</pubDate> <category><![CDATA[Narcissism]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Psychology]]></category> <category><![CDATA[anger]]></category> <category><![CDATA[boundaries]]></category> <category><![CDATA[counseling for narcissistic abuse]]></category> <category><![CDATA[depression]]></category> <category><![CDATA[gratitude]]></category> <category><![CDATA[healthy narcissism]]></category> <category><![CDATA[mental health]]></category> <category><![CDATA[narcissism]]></category> <category><![CDATA[narcissistic abuse]]></category> <category><![CDATA[narcissistic abuse therapy]]></category> <category><![CDATA[psychologist for narcissistic abuse]]></category> <category><![CDATA[self-esteem]]></category> <category><![CDATA[self-sabotage]]></category> <category><![CDATA[therapist for narcissistic abuse]]></category> <category><![CDATA[treatment for narcissistic abuse]]></category> <guid isPermaLink="false">https://mindsplain.com/?p=1902</guid> <description><![CDATA[<p>Introduction Search Narcissism on the internet and you’ll see that evocative word does not fill people up with the warm fuzzies that a word like “puppies” might. Anger, despondent wails, grievances and other cries of unfairness would overwhelm anyone who takes the time to sample content from social media, forums, and blogs on the subject. And yet I think we need to change our attitude towards the word. A revered mentor of mine, David Shapiro, used to say that he was unimpressed by Narcissism as a diagnostic label. “Everyone’s narcissistic,” he’d say. “Narcissism is a developmental stage. It’s not really a personality organization,” he elaborated. Narcissism is one of the few topics on which Dr. Shapiro and I disagree. And even though I believe Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a very real phenomenon, Dr. Shapiro says something we should all take very seriously. That is, everyone is narcissistic. Why do we need to re-appropriate the the term “narcissism”? We’re not all narcissistic in the same way, or to the same degree, but we do all have …</p> <p>The post <a href="https://mindsplain.com/healthy-narcissism/">Dear Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse: Own Your Healthy Narcissism!</a> appeared first on <a href="https://mindsplain.com">Mindsplain</a>.</p> ]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[<h2>Introduction</h2> <p>Search Narcissism on the internet and you’ll see that evocative word does not fill people up with the warm fuzzies that a word like “puppies” might. Anger, despondent wails, grievances and other cries of unfairness would overwhelm anyone who takes the time to sample content from social media, forums, and blogs on the subject. And yet I think we need to change our attitude towards the word. A revered mentor of mine, David Shapiro, used to say that he was unimpressed by Narcissism as a diagnostic label. “Everyone’s narcissistic,” he’d say. “Narcissism is a developmental stage. It’s not really a personality organization,” he elaborated. Narcissism is one of the few topics on which Dr. Shapiro and I disagree. And even though I believe Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a very real phenomenon, Dr. Shapiro says something we should all take very seriously. That is, everyone is narcissistic.</p> <h2>Why do we need to re-appropriate the the term “narcissism”?</h2> <p>We’re not all narcissistic in the same way, or to the same degree, but we do all have narcissistic tendencies. Not only is self-absorption universal, it’s also a vital aspect of health. Ambitions come from grandiose ideas. A healthy retirement demands that you stash, hoard, and grow your earnings. Adventures and travel involve appropriating culture. Starting a business means making more than you give others. I posit here a psychological law that no one can escape: Own your selfishness, or be owned by it. Show me a selfless person, and I’ll show you a hypocrite. Intentions matter and we should commend generous people for embodying that spirit. But it’s my argument here that if you’re not tolerant and accepting of your own inherent narcissism, then you’ll not only be fighting your own nature, but also less effective as a result. The term healthy narcissism captures what I mean. We don’t have to annihilate ourselves to do good. We simply need to be thoughtful about the kind of good we want to do. We also need to acknowledge what we need, what we want, and what we need to do to reach selfish yet philanthropic goals. What’s more is that the people who most need to claim their narcissism are the people most disgusted by self-centeredness to begin with. Many adults raised by a narcissistic parent would rather die than be compared to that self-centered caregiver. In my practice, I see so many people who have such disgust and disdain for narcissism that they spend their whole lives trying to collapse into themselves like a black hole. They’re appalled by wanting things, prioritizing themselves, and “being selfish.” These are the people I want to encourage to hold their noses and be thoughtful, but be selfish. Decide what you want and need and own it. Do this, if for now other reason, to be an example for others. Countless others hate their selfishness but need to put themselves first to do good in the world. So reclaim your narcissism and be a role model for this silent, tortured group who live in the margins.</p> <h2>What is healthy narcissism?</h2> <p>What are the main features of healthy narcissism? Healthy narcissism is a concept that includes an infinite number of possible expressions. I’ve distilled the core elements to a short list below. It’s not exhaustive, but should give a sense of what it means and why it’s important.</p> <p><img data-recalc-dims="1" loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="alignnone size-large wp-image-1945" src="https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/mindsplainattributeshealthnarcissism.jpg?resize=683%2C1024&ssl=1" alt="" width="683" height="1024" srcset="https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/mindsplainattributeshealthnarcissism.jpg?resize=683%2C1024&ssl=1 683w, https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/mindsplainattributeshealthnarcissism.jpg?resize=200%2C300&ssl=1 200w, https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/mindsplainattributeshealthnarcissism.jpg?resize=768%2C1152&ssl=1 768w, https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/mindsplainattributeshealthnarcissism.jpg?resize=600%2C900&ssl=1 600w, https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/mindsplainattributeshealthnarcissism.jpg?w=1000&ssl=1 1000w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 683px) 100vw, 683px" /></p> <h2>Speak up</h2> <p>Don’t talk back. Don’t bother them. Appreciate what you have. Check your privilege. These are all things we’re told by others. They’re hackneyed phrases I hear ringing between my own ears quite often. Narcissists do the opposite of this, and sometimes with astonishing results. I recently heard an anecdote about an intern at a major finance company. A big-wig executive asked the intern to book a very specific type of venue for an upcoming retreat. After conducting hours of research, the intern reached the conclusion that no venue of the kind requested actually exists. When the intern approached the executive with the sad news, the executive’s response was telling. How did the executive respond? “Why the fuck has nobody created that yet!?” Is that an entitled response? A narcissistic one? Sure to both questions. But are there causes where an advocate with this level of entitlement could advance the movement significantly? Absolutely. So speak. Do it respectfully. Do it politely. Do it assertively and without apology. And most importantly, speak up about issues that matter and align with your values. But speak. The act of speaking up is proof to the Self that you take your values, goals, principles, desires, and aspirations seriously.</p> <h2>Express anger</h2> <p>Anger is the go-to tool of bullies and the phallic, single-minded energy of the narcissist. It’s also a core emotion that all human beings experience. Anger does a few things for us psychologically. Cognitively, it sharpens our focus. The reason we act so irrationally when we’re angry is because we are in a state of absolute focus. Nothing besides the object of anger matters. Emotionally, anger makes us feel powerful. We may not be powerful when we are angry, but we certainly feel that way. Along with feelings of power comes a newfound boldness. Narcissists’ unchecked rage and unreasonable demands come from overusing anger as a tool to resolve psychological suffering. Anger is not always the best strategy for approaching a problem. But, if you’re deficient in healthy narcisssism, spikes in anger are indispensible signals that something is out of balance. Anger then is both a signal and a force to harness to reach a healthier equilibrium. Feeling upswells of anger is a gift when you’ve suppressed healthy narcissism. Survivors of narcissistic abuse often contort themselves into uncomfortable positions to avoid owning their anger. Again, this brings us back to the core idea: Narcissists love to bully through anger. And, narcissists’ children often end up so disgusted by anger that they renounce any and all rights to feel and express it. So when anger arises, it’s bringing an important message. Listen to it and use it! One especially important application of anger is using it to…</p> <h2>Set boundaries</h2> <p>Setting boundaries is an essential skill for developing and maintaining psychological health. We seldom discuss why setting boundaries is so difficult. The fundamental conundrum is this: We need to have a strong sense of self and feelings of value in order to maintain healthy boundaries… BUT… It’s extremely difficult to do the work of creating a strong sense of self and establishing feelings of value if others–especially narcissistic others–are consistently violating our boundaries. In other posts and resources, I go into more depth about how to break out of this self-annihilating cycle. To be brief here, the most straightforward way out of this rut is to:</p> <ol> <li>Recognize and connect with the pain that this cycle causes (pain is one of the most powerful sources of motivation).</li> <li>Nurture small interests, hobbies, and playful activities while you muster the strength and skill required to begin setting boundaries (of course, leaving toxic situations when possible is also vital).</li> <li>Keep building upon new areas of growth while consistently increasing awareness around others’ intrusions into your most protected pockets of growth.</li> </ol> <p>The emerging polarity between the affirmative aspects of play and exploration alongside the destructive boundary intrusions of others will stoke feelings of rage. Rage becomes fuel to reinforcing boundaries or leaving the situation. As it pertains to healthy narcissism, the fundamental point is this: nurturing our own hobbies, interests, and self-affirming engagements is all part of tapping into healthy narcissism. The more we can put self first, the more healthy narcissism helps us to set meaningful boundaries.<br /> <img data-recalc-dims="1" loading="lazy" decoding="async" src="https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/Tires-Boundaries_Pinterest-3.png?resize=683%2C1024&ssl=1" sizes="auto, (max-width: 683px) 100vw, 683px" srcset="https://i1.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/Tires-Boundaries_Pinterest-3.png?resize=683%2C1024&ssl=1 683w, https://i1.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/Tires-Boundaries_Pinterest-3.png?resize=200%2C300&ssl=1 200w, https://i1.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/Tires-Boundaries_Pinterest-3.png?resize=768%2C1152&ssl=1 768w, https://i1.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/Tires-Boundaries_Pinterest-3.png?resize=600%2C900&ssl=1 600w, https://i1.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/Tires-Boundaries_Pinterest-3.png?w=1000&ssl=1 1000w" alt="" width="683" height="1024" /></p> <h2>Strive & Achieve</h2> <p><img data-recalc-dims="1" loading="lazy" decoding="async" src="https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/Applying_Pinterest.png?resize=683%2C1024&ssl=1" sizes="auto, (max-width: 683px) 100vw, 683px" srcset="https://i1.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/Applying_Pinterest.png?resize=683%2C1024&ssl=1 683w, https://i1.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/Applying_Pinterest.png?resize=200%2C300&ssl=1 200w, https://i1.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/Applying_Pinterest.png?resize=768%2C1152&ssl=1 768w, https://i1.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/Applying_Pinterest.png?resize=600%2C900&ssl=1 600w, https://i1.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/Applying_Pinterest.png?w=1000&ssl=1 1000w" alt="Apply for the job" width="683" height="1024" /><br /> To those who have had profoundly negative experiences with narcissists, the pursuit of goals and achievement can become corrupted. Loved ones of narcissists often become “narcissistic extensions” of the narcissistic caregiver. Thus, any success is a shared success with a narcissist. Self-defeating and masochistic tendencies can easily develop around the sharing success with a narcissist. Even if we dream of going to Harvard, it’s very easy to self-sabotage when we realize that Narcissistic Dad will never stop bragging about and taking credit for your getting in. The narcissist only sees the parts of you that reflect him (or that he wants to reflect him). Narcissistic Dad will see himself reflected in your acceptance to an Ivy League school, but will blame you for the fender bender you got into. Why? Because he doesn’t want any connection with mistakes, only successes. It can be very discouraging and demotivating to have someone in your life appropriating your successes and blaming you for bad results. It feels like “Heads, you win. Tails, I lose.” But this is a provincial way of viewing ourselves and the world. Self-sabotage may meet certain needs at home, while failing us catastrophically in the real world (often resulting in returning to Narcissistic Dad for a loan, handout, or some other kind of help). Freedom from this cycle comes with seeing the wider world outside of our families as having different attributes than Narcissistic Dad. It helps to find mentors, bosses, teachers, and/or partners who support us and give us all of the credit. Striving and achievement are vital expressions of healthy narcissism because they allow us to experience the world as generous instead of self-serving. Ambition replaces self-defeating tendencies when we learn our successes won’t be stolen away.</p> <h2>Be seen</h2> <p>The patient who avoids eye-contact is the one who is profoundly uncomfortable with being seen. As she speaks, her eyes dart around the room, searching for a place of rest. What to make of this? Being seen is threatening. The patient’s denial of the therapist’s ability to see and hear her is a defense against shame. Existing to this patient is a defense. It’s likely that she has been around a narcissistic caregiver who could not tolerate another’s (potentially threatening) subjectivity. But does this mean that the patient does not want to be seen? No. Quite the opposite. The patient’s presence in the office speaks to the wish behind the fear. She wants to be seen. She wants to be understood. She longs for another person to elicit her inner experiences and create space for them to exist in the world. The “victim narrative” is a common compromise that the survivor of narcissistic abuse embraces. She will continue to endure the abuse and stife herself. In exchange, she’ll seek out any available ear to talk about the mistreatment she faces. But this is as far as she can go. She can’t take in advice. She can’t receive help. All she can do is show her pain and demand it be seen by the few people she has in her life beyond the narcissist(s) in her life. In psychotherapy, the term for this is help-rejecting complaining. It’s an expression of the wish to be seen without having the agency to own the need. It’s a form of pathological narcissism because the genuine need–the need to be seen–is locked away behind self-effacing defenses. When I stated earlier in the article that we must choose between owning our narcissism or being owned by it, this hypothetical scenario is exactly the one I had in mind. The suppressed narcissism will find expression whether we like it or not. So own it and be seen.</p> <h2>Desire</h2> <p>When you’ve spent significant time around a narcissist, it’s extremely easy to conflate wanting something with narcissistic entitlement. But desire is one of the most healthy, vital energies of life. When we lose touch with desire, pathological results follow. All of the outcomes listed below, either singularly or in various combinations, could result from not knowing what you want:</p> <ol> <li data-offset-key="2qdpc-0-0">Compulsive eating</li> <li data-offset-key="2qdpc-0-0">Compulsive sex</li> <li data-offset-key="2qdpc-0-0">Any other addictive behavior, such as alcoholism or drug use</li> <li data-offset-key="2qdpc-0-0">Depression</li> <li data-offset-key="2qdpc-0-0">Committed relationships with narcissistic and controlling partners</li> </ol> <p>Desire is what gives life excitement and energy. When desire is absent, we feel an inner deadness, or depression. An absence of desire creates a vacuum that must be filled. The most common substitutes are food, sex, and drugs. Alternatively, finding a tyrannical partner can help fill the vacuum since their desire can then become the animating force. If you don’t know what you want, you’re likely to get involved with others who do (and are comfortable giving orders!) Again, the irony in adopting such a desire-free existence is that compulsive behaviors takeover. These compulsive behaviors dominate a person’s life and mirror narcissitic tendencies. In other words, a heroin addict may have been careful not to step on anyone’s toes before becoming addicted. Yet you’ll never meet a more narcissistic and entitled person than an addict in need of a fix. In fact, it’s not inaccurate to describe all narcissists as addicts in need of an emotional fix of praise, validation, and/or service.</p> <h2>Feel grateful (not guilty!)</h2> <p>From what I’ve seen, the pop view of gratitude is that we need to affirm our thankfulness for all the blessings in our life at every opportunity. I don’t think this is the case. The key point is really that guilt and shame are the opposite of gratitude. If you’re someone who feels guilty or ashamed, then you’re likely apologizing to the world through your actions instead of simply saying “thank you.” In Christianity, “original sin” is the term for the idea that we need to apologize for our existence. In the traditional interpretation of this, that we must prostrate ourselves to atone for our inherent sinfulness, God is cast as a narcissistic father. But what if original sin is actually not a sin? The sin is not to eat from the apple of life, the offense is to eat from the apple and not revel in the experience. There’s no avoiding pain in life, but we deprive ourselves to the point of ill-health when we begin to chide ourselves finding and enjoying the pleasures of life.</p> <h2>Summing up</h2> <p><img data-recalc-dims="1" loading="lazy" decoding="async" src="https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/IthinkIcan.png?resize=683%2C1024&ssl=1" sizes="auto, (max-width: 683px) 100vw, 683px" srcset="https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/IthinkIcan.png?resize=683%2C1024&ssl=1 683w, https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/IthinkIcan.png?resize=200%2C300&ssl=1 200w, https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/IthinkIcan.png?resize=768%2C1152&ssl=1 768w, https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/IthinkIcan.png?resize=600%2C900&ssl=1 600w, https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/IthinkIcan.png?w=1000&ssl=1 1000w" alt="Believe in yourself" width="683" height="1024" /><br /> We’ve turned narcissism into a dirty word with harmful effects. The problem is not narcissism, because we are all narcissistic in some basic way. The problem with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is that the narcissism is insatiable and exploitative. The way we can avoid becoming like the toxic narcissist is by owning our own self-interest and aligning self-interest with the greater good. We can also establish a balance between the time and energy we spend expressing our healthy narcissism and our emotional and ethical commitments. Healthy narcissism is a core principle of my work and can be quite counter-intuitive at best, disgusting at worst. Let’s have a dialogue to better clarify and spread the message of this concept! Comment below, sign up for my mailing list, and/or follow me at @mindsplain on Twitter.</p> <p>The post <a href="https://mindsplain.com/healthy-narcissism/">Dear Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse: Own Your Healthy Narcissism!</a> appeared first on <a href="https://mindsplain.com">Mindsplain</a>.</p> ]]></content:encoded> <post-id xmlns="com-wordpress:feed-additions:1">1902</post-id> </item> <item> <title>Deconstructing Narcissism: A Model of Emotional Dynamics of the Narcissistic Personality</title> <link>https://mindsplain.com/narcissistic-personality/</link> <dc:creator><![CDATA[Michael Kinsey, Ph.D.]]></dc:creator> <pubDate>Wed, 20 Nov 2019 00:12:01 +0000</pubDate> <category><![CDATA[Narcissism]]></category> <category><![CDATA[anger]]></category> <category><![CDATA[annihilation anxiety]]></category> <category><![CDATA[counseling for narcissistic abuse]]></category> <category><![CDATA[defense mechanisms]]></category> <category><![CDATA[defenses]]></category> <category><![CDATA[denial]]></category> <category><![CDATA[disavowal]]></category> <category><![CDATA[disgust]]></category> <category><![CDATA[disorder]]></category> <category><![CDATA[emotions]]></category> <category><![CDATA[empathy]]></category> <category><![CDATA[envy]]></category> <category><![CDATA[fear]]></category> <category><![CDATA[feelings]]></category> <category><![CDATA[identity diffusion]]></category> <category><![CDATA[infographic]]></category> <category><![CDATA[introjection]]></category> <category><![CDATA[masochism]]></category> <category><![CDATA[mental health]]></category> <category><![CDATA[mental health services]]></category> <category><![CDATA[mindsplain]]></category> <category><![CDATA[narcissism]]></category> <category><![CDATA[narcissistic abuse therapy]]></category> <category><![CDATA[personality]]></category> <category><![CDATA[projection]]></category> <category><![CDATA[projective identification]]></category> <category><![CDATA[psychologist for narcissistic abuse]]></category> <category><![CDATA[psychology]]></category> <category><![CDATA[regression]]></category> <category><![CDATA[sadness]]></category> <category><![CDATA[shame]]></category> <category><![CDATA[splitting]]></category> <category><![CDATA[theory]]></category> <category><![CDATA[therapist for narcissistic abuse]]></category> <category><![CDATA[therapist nyc]]></category> <category><![CDATA[treatment for narcissistic abuse]]></category> <guid isPermaLink="false">https://mindsplain.com/?p=1407</guid> <description><![CDATA[<p>Introduction: With the aim of simplifying and clarifying my own understanding of the dynamics of the narcissistic personality, I set out to create a simple, clear flow chart. In particular, I wanted to link the grandiose narcissistic behavior, with narcissistically-injured/deflated narcissism, and other forms egocentrism can take. What I ended up with was not the neat, simple chart I had in mind. Instead, I got the thing above. Still, it helped me to clarify a bunch of stray thoughts, experiences, and theory associated with narcissism. I’ll do my best to go through the different components and make it more clear. Inside Out: The first thing to know while looking at the chart is that the center represents what the narcissist feels, and would express if asked. For the narcissistic organization, it’s important to understand that the area of emotional awareness is very small. Most of the big and powerful emotions are outside of conscious awareness. However, the narcissist will likely only experience a diffuse sense of anxiety and/or depression. On the outermost area of the …</p> <p>The post <a href="https://mindsplain.com/narcissistic-personality/">Deconstructing Narcissism: A Model of Emotional Dynamics of the Narcissistic Personality</a> appeared first on <a href="https://mindsplain.com">Mindsplain</a>.</p> ]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[<h2><img data-recalc-dims="1" loading="lazy" decoding="async" src="https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/3D-Circle-33-01-1.jpg?resize=770%2C1024&ssl=1" alt="Narcissism | Emotional Dynamics of Narcissism | Mindsplain | Narcissistic Personality Disorder" width="770" height="1024" />Introduction:</h2> <p>With the aim of simplifying and clarifying my own understanding of the dynamics of the narcissistic personality, I set out to create a simple, clear flow chart. In particular, I wanted to link the <strong>grandiose narcissistic behavior</strong>, with <strong>narcissistically-injured/deflated narcissism</strong>, and other forms egocentrism can take. What I ended up with was not the neat, simple chart I had in mind. Instead, I got the thing above. Still, it helped me to clarify a bunch of stray thoughts, experiences, and theory associated with <strong>narcissism</strong>. I’ll do my best to go through the different components and make it more clear.</p> <h2>Inside Out:</h2> <p>The first thing to know while looking at the chart is that the center represents what the narcissist feels, and would express if asked. For the narcissistic organization, it’s important to understand that the area of emotional awareness is very small. Most of the big and powerful emotions are outside of conscious awareness. However, the narcissist will likely only <i>experience</i> a diffuse sense of anxiety and/or depression.</p> <p>On the outermost area of the chart, are existential, annihilation anxieties. These are deep-seated, hard-wired, reptilian fears that are not conscious for anyone on a moment to moment basis. Yet humans share these with the animal kingdom. All creatures are at some level wired to avoid being eaten, drowned, or disfigured. We will see though conceptual links between these primitive fears and more recognizable emotions.</p> <h3>Core emotions:</h3> <p>To use an analogy, have you ever used a bubble level? The ones you use when hanging frames, or for ensuring straightness when building?</p> <p><a href="https://www.amazon.com/BOOSTEADY-Gunsmith-Level-Magnetic-System/dp/B071ZXK8VT/ref=as_li_ss_il?dchild=1&keywords=bubble+level&qid=1574101692&sr=8-39&linkCode=li2&tag=mindsplain-20&linkId=13825ec1890525b073afe1704d8ee5b0&language=en_US" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer"><img decoding="async" class="aligncenter" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?_encoding=UTF8&ASIN=B071ZXK8VT&Format=_SL160_&ID=AsinImage&MarketPlace=US&ServiceVersion=20070822&WS=1&tag=mindsplain-20&language=en_US" border="0" /></a><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="aligncenter" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important;" hidden="" src="https://ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=mindsplain-20&language=en_US&l=li2&o=1&a=B071ZXK8VT" alt="" width="1" height="1" border="0" /></p> <p>I imagine the 3 core emotions of narcissism to function something like this level. Although narcissists seem impenetrable and cold at times, they simply suffer from an emotion regulation problem. The way narcissistic individuals manage stress is like trying to keep that damn bubble on a level in the center of the guides. What I mean is, it’s difficult to keep there; the bubble shifts with the slightest provocation, and it consumes an immense amount of physical and emotional energy to maintain an equilibrium. This is why, at the center of the diagram, is a pervasive feeling of enervation and deadness (i.e., depression), and/or a pervasive tension that narcissists experience as a diffuse sense of anxiety. That is, the experience is a vague feeling of distress that is</p> <p style="padding-left: 120px;">1. Disconnected from discreet, identifiable emotions; and</p> <p style="padding-left: 120px;">2. Not linked to internal thinking or feeling states (it’s explained as either completely perplexing and befuddling, or it is assumed to emanate from the external environment).</p> <p>Someone with a narcissistic personality tend to seek treatment when “<a href="https://mindsplain.com/whats-causing-my-panic-attack/"><strong>anxiety</strong></a>” or “<a href="https://mindsplain.com/how-does-therapy-work/"><strong>depression</strong></a>” reaches a critical threshold of pain. The idea of a maladaptive personality style is often so far from conscious awareness that it could take months or years of psychotherapy before this fact is even acknowledged, let alone addressed.</p> <div id="attachment_1408" style="width: 691px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><img data-recalc-dims="1" loading="lazy" decoding="async" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-1408" src="https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Dynamics_of_narcissism.jpg?resize=681%2C479&ssl=1" alt="" width="681" height="479" /><p id="caption-attachment-1408" class="wp-caption-text">Diagram of emotional dynamics of the narcissistic personality</p></div> <p>Take a look at the infographic above. The center of the diagram shows unconscious emotions coexisting in concentric rings; each ring representing a greater distance from the narcissist’s conscious, subjective experience. Returning to the bubble level analogy, for some narcissists, the center of the bubble level is a grandiose state of disgust. Others default to the reclusive, shameful solipsism of deflated narcissism. Others feel empty and envious and thus try to manage emotions by spoiling others’ feelings of fullness–including the fullness one might get from helping the very same narcissist.</p> <p>Let’s go through the diagram one level at a time.</p> <p style="text-align: center;"><img data-recalc-dims="1" loading="lazy" decoding="async" src="https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Emotional-Dynamics-Narcissistic-Personality.jpg?resize=840%2C955&ssl=1" alt="Narcissism: Emotional Dynamics" width="840" height="955" /></p> <h3>Types of Narcissism:</h3> <h3 style="padding-left: 40px;">The Grandiose Narcissist:</h3> <p style="padding-left: 40px;">This is the prototype of narcissism. The closest emotion to conscious awareness for the grandiose narcissist is disgust. In evolutionary terms, disgust is an emotion that has the purpose of keeping us uncontaminated. We recoil at anything outside of us that might be harmful if taken in. It’s no coincidence that pregnant women get morning sickness and young children are the pickiest eaters (in other words, oral fixations). Most vulnerable physical states are being in utero and being a young child; the narcissist is someone who did not advance very far from this period of vulnerability, which, paradoxically, is characterized by “narcissistic omnipotence.”</p> <p><a href="https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Narcissism-Treatment-Center.jpg?ssl=1"><img data-recalc-dims="1" loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="alignnone size-full wp-image-2063 aligncenter" src="https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Narcissism-Treatment-Center.jpg?resize=579%2C660&ssl=1" alt="Narcissism Treatment Center Take A Number" width="579" height="660" srcset="https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Narcissism-Treatment-Center.jpg?w=579&ssl=1 579w, https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Narcissism-Treatment-Center.jpg?resize=263%2C300&ssl=1 263w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 579px) 100vw, 579px" /></a></p> <p style="padding-left: 40px;">The narcissistic personality displays a powerful, grandiose exterior. Yet, s/he protects the self as if its existence were so precarious that it could not survive the most slight threat to its physical and emotional wellbeing. If you have spent much time around narcissists, you will know that they reject anything that might touch a nerve, and “spit out” any attempt to know them, see their vulnerability, or question their impregnability.</p> <h3 style="padding-left: 40px;">The Narcissistically Injured/Deflated Narcissist:</h3> <p style="padding-left: 40px;">The narcissistically injured, hereafter referred to as the deflated narcissist, is someone who embraces shame but, this narcissism comes from the rigidity with which the individual tells the story. It’s a “woe is me tale,” and the experience of being with this type of person is that they have a monopoly on the world’s suffering. No one could experience the type of pain that they feel. And how dare you suggest that they make any kind of effort to improve their situation. Don’t you understand how they have been wronged? If you think they should assume a position of agency and be more proactive in their psychological healing and growth, then you are aligned with the abuser and are blaming the victim.</p> <p style="padding-left: 40px;">The ashamed person is a cave dweller–quite cut off from others, but sheltered. The “cave” in this metaphor is a narrative of grievance that grows with every instance with every day its occupant remains there either ignored or improperly helped (“proper” help is often a moving target and a fantasy of perfectly attuned care).</p> <p style="padding-left: 40px;">The story behind the shame is impenetrable as the grandiose narcissist’s persona. The ashamed and isolated loathe themselves for two reasons:</p> <p style="padding-left: 120px;">1. To receive care from others without expectations of reciprocation; and</p> <p style="padding-left: 120px;">2. To express rage towards the person upon which they depend.</p> <p style="padding-left: 40px;">How can shame be an expression of rage, you may ask? Shame is an expression of extreme self-annihilation that presents a system, whether dyadic (i.e., parent-child), family, or societal, with the effects of the other’s cruelty. Every expression of pain is thus hostile accusation against a wrongdoer.</p> <h3 style="padding-left: 40px;">The Empty or Depleted Narcissist:</h3> <p style="padding-left: 40px;">The classic manifestation of this type of narcissistic personality is characterized by the emotion of envy and is one that every clinician knows well: the help-rejecting complainer. This type of narcissist will often find him or herself “seeking help” by way of dragging the world down to his/her level. No solution is ever good enough, as no nourishment can fill the bottomless emotional pit inside of this type of individual. In Buddhism, there is a specter of suffering known as the “hungry ghost,” whose attributes capture the state of the empty narcissist’s state of emotional equilibrium. These hungry ghosts are known to have enormous stomachs with an incredibly narrow neck. In other words, they can never feel full, nourished, or sated.</p> <p style="padding-left: 40px;">The state of emptiness is the most emotionally regressed of these three core emotions. It is a replication of the ungratified infant’s experience, of feeling hollow while abundance was felt to be withheld. This individual does not want help. S/he wants one of two things:</p> <p style="padding-left: 120px;">1. An endless stream of support and comfort; and/or</p> <p style="padding-left: 120px;">2. To destroy those who have what s/he lacks.</p> <p>It warrants underscoring that these three core emotional states of narcissism can be experienced by any type of narcissist, or any person at a low point of life, like the bubble in the level can occupy any area within the tube. The point is that experience dictates in which one of these three positions a narcissistically organized person feels most stable.</p> <h2>Defenses:</h2> <p>Having outlined the bubble level metaphor for three types of narcissistic states of being, I’ll define the predominant defenses used by each type of narcissist to remain at a state of equilibrium (that is, at the center of the bubble level). These defenses are used to keep primary affective experiences of disgust, shame, and envy outside of conscious awareness, and can be found on the infographic above, along with the most likely direction in which they are deployed.</p> <h3 style="padding-left: 40px;">Splitting:</h3> <p style="padding-left: 40px;">A defense where the bad is disconnected from the good. It is a type of defense used by those who struggle to see themselves as combinations of good and bad personality traits. In short, it means disconnecting from the bad. It’s used pervasively by all forms of narcissism.</p> <h3 style="padding-left: 40px;">Identity Diffusion:</h3> <p style="padding-left: 40px;">A defense wherein standing alone as a separate person creates too much anxiety to be tolerated. In short, it means merging with the good instead of risking being bad. It’s used in all iterations of narcissism.</p> <h3 style="padding-left: 40px;">Introjection:</h3> <p style="padding-left: 40px;">Taking in the bad to protect against abandonment. It’s used by the deflated narcissism as a self-effacing means of attaching to another. Preferred defense of the deflated narcissist against abandonment.</p> <h3 style="padding-left: 40px;">Projection:</h3> <p style="padding-left: 40px;">The defensive process of seeing in another what is bad in oneself. Defending against shame to remain all good. One of the preferred defenses of the grandiose narcissist against shame.</p> <h3 style="padding-left: 40px;">Masochism:</h3> <p style="padding-left: 40px;">Attacking the introjected object to gain separation and express rage at another who cannot tolerate direct attacks. Preferred defense of the deflated narcissist against envy.</p> <h3 style="padding-left: 40px;">Regression/Idealization:</h3> <p style="padding-left: 40px;">Defending against shame by becoming envious and idealizing. Preferred defense of the empty narcissist as a defense against the shame of separateness and to obtain a parasite-like relationship to a compulsive nurturer.</p> <h3 style="padding-left: 40px;">Denial/Disavowal:</h3> <p style="padding-left: 40px;">Primitive defense against the bad by asserting the bad’s absence. Used as a defense against the emptiness and envy characteristic of being in a state of dependence.</p> <h3 style="padding-left: 40px;">Projective Identification:</h3> <p style="padding-left: 40px;">Attempting to defile the good in another through projection then attacking it to defend against feelings of envy, powerlessness, and emptiness.</p> <h2>Anger: The Closest Emotion to Conscious Awareness</h2> <p style="text-align: center;"><img data-recalc-dims="1" loading="lazy" decoding="async" src="https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Narcissistic-Anger-Rage.jpg?resize=840%2C955&ssl=1" alt="Narcissism: Anger, Rage | Narcissistic Personality" width="840" height="955" /></p> <p>It will surprise no one who knows or works with narcissistic people that a great deal of anger can be found within a narcissist without too much digging. Interestingly, most narcissists don’t see themselves as angry and thus the anger they express is not considered to be either a feature of their personality or abnormal in any way. Any outbursts of anger will be rationalized as necessary or required by the situation. And no matter whether the narcissistic personality tends more towards grandiosity, injured, or empty, anger is outside the narcissist’s conscious awareness. As stated earlier, narcissists will only feel the reverberations of intense emotions like anxiety or depression.</p> <p>However, depending on the state of the narcissistic personality, the way anger exists outside of conscious awareness can take different forms. For example, for the grandiose narcissist, irritability, annoyance, or jealousy are common forms that anger takes. Subjectively, the narcissist may feel this anger as the way in which people are trying to knock him/her off his perch or take something away. When the grandiose persona is attacked, the grandiose narcissist’s anger and disgust will assume the form of holding on to a sense of grandiosity (and all the extensions of this grandiosity and will throw out nasty barbs to put others in their place.)</p> <p>To the narcissistically injured, rage will either be impotent, keeping the bearer stuck in a shameful position. Another possibility is for the rage to be coopted, turned against the self, to ensure others are know how cruel they have been to evoke such a state.</p> <p>The empty narcissist is filled with primitive oral aggression, the kind displayed by infants who bite the breast that feeds. Rage gets expressed as “if I can’t have it, no one can!” These people are happy to sacrifice themselves for a more fair distribution of profound suffering. Empty, envious rage can be seen in the disastrous applications of communism throughout the world; civilizations were destroyed out of envy for the rich, while the masses shared in collective starvation (i.e., emptiness).</p> <h2>Just Beyond Anger: Sadness</h2> <p style="text-align: center;"><img data-recalc-dims="1" loading="lazy" decoding="async" src="https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/3D-Circle-33-layer-2-01-2.jpg?resize=840%2C955&ssl=1" alt="Narcissism, Sadness" width="840" height="955" /></p> <p>The dynamics of the narcissistic personality are designed first and foremost to make vulnerability as distant from conscious awareness as possible. Therefore, the narcissist has very little access to genuine emotions of sadness. One point of clarification is that sadness associated with depressive feelings, shame, or emptiness is better conceptualized as covers for anger, as the sadness is more about impacting others than it is about healing and connection. Yet, beyond anger is a deep and profound sadness that narcissists are quite justifiably afraid to feel.</p> <p>For the grandiose narcissist, a facade of impenetrable confidence conceals both a history of and a commitment to banish feelings of intense vulnerability. The deflated narcissist isolates in shame to confront an aggressor (very likely to be a grandiose narcissist) with evidence of the other’s cruelty; this maneuver turns “active into passive,” appropriating the act of abandonment to prevent feelings of loneliness and despair. For the empty narcissist, a preoccupation with filling the void of emptiness so that an overwhelming sense of grief over a lost sense of fulness or completeness will not be felt.</p> <h2>Annihilation Anxiety and Existential Fears</h2> <p style="text-align: center;"><img data-recalc-dims="1" loading="lazy" decoding="async" src="https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/narcissistic-personality-fear.jpg?resize=840%2C1011&ssl=1" alt="Narcissism: Narcissistic Personality | Fears" width="840" height="1011" /></p> <p>The most remote level of feeling for both the narcissistic personality and all other personality types are ancient existential annihilation fears that we humans share with creatures in our deep evolutionary past. The grandiose narcissist’s Teflon exterior protects against hardwired existential fears of penetration–whether through rape and violent impaling–inclusive of mutilation/castration. The deflated narcissist’s deepest fear of annihilation is to be abandoned and exiled from the larger group. Thus, the defensive maneuver is to pre-empt rejection and banishment by self-isolating while assuming a stance of accusatory aggression.</p> <p>The empty narcissist’s annihilation anxiety is not immediately intuitive and requires a theoretical context. The empty-feeling person’s fear ultimately is of being a victim of predation or being devoured/swallowed. The conceptual connection to envy is that feelings of emptiness arise from psychological cannibalism. Theoretically speaking, emptiness and envy come from having one’s needs denied and being used by early caregivers as a source of psychological nourishment. Feeling full or complete is perceived to be a zero-sum game, where only one person in a relationship can feel fulfilled, and that a mutually satisfying arrangement cannot be imagined.</p> <div id="attachment_1973" style="width: 693px" class="wp-caption alignnone"><a href="https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/General-Personality-Disorder-Diagnostic-Criteria_Pinterest.png?ssl=1"><img data-recalc-dims="1" loading="lazy" decoding="async" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-1973" class="size-large wp-image-1973" src="https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/General-Personality-Disorder-Diagnostic-Criteria_Pinterest.png?resize=683%2C1024&ssl=1" alt="Personality Disorder Diagnostic Criteria" width="683" height="1024" srcset="https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/General-Personality-Disorder-Diagnostic-Criteria_Pinterest.png?resize=683%2C1024&ssl=1 683w, https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/General-Personality-Disorder-Diagnostic-Criteria_Pinterest.png?resize=200%2C300&ssl=1 200w, https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/General-Personality-Disorder-Diagnostic-Criteria_Pinterest.png?resize=768%2C1152&ssl=1 768w, https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/General-Personality-Disorder-Diagnostic-Criteria_Pinterest.png?resize=600%2C900&ssl=1 600w, https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/General-Personality-Disorder-Diagnostic-Criteria_Pinterest.png?w=1000&ssl=1 1000w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 683px) 100vw, 683px" /></a><p id="caption-attachment-1973" class="wp-caption-text">The DSM-5 offers an atheoretical and purely descriptive summary of Personality Disorders and Narcissistic Personality Disorder</p></div> <div id="attachment_1974" style="width: 693px" class="wp-caption alignnone"><a href="https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Narcissistic-Personality-Disorder-Diagnostic-Criteria_Pinterest-1.png?ssl=1"><img data-recalc-dims="1" loading="lazy" decoding="async" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-1974" class="wp-image-1974 size-large" src="https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Narcissistic-Personality-Disorder-Diagnostic-Criteria_Pinterest-1.png?resize=683%2C1024&ssl=1" alt="Diagnostic Criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder" width="683" height="1024" srcset="https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Narcissistic-Personality-Disorder-Diagnostic-Criteria_Pinterest-1.png?resize=683%2C1024&ssl=1 683w, https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Narcissistic-Personality-Disorder-Diagnostic-Criteria_Pinterest-1.png?resize=200%2C300&ssl=1 200w, https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Narcissistic-Personality-Disorder-Diagnostic-Criteria_Pinterest-1.png?resize=768%2C1152&ssl=1 768w, https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Narcissistic-Personality-Disorder-Diagnostic-Criteria_Pinterest-1.png?resize=600%2C900&ssl=1 600w, https://i0.wp.com/mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Narcissistic-Personality-Disorder-Diagnostic-Criteria_Pinterest-1.png?w=1000&ssl=1 1000w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 683px) 100vw, 683px" /></a><p id="caption-attachment-1974" class="wp-caption-text">The DSM-5 offers an atheoretical and purely descriptive summary of Personality Disorders and Narcissistic Personality Disorder</p></div> <h2>Wrapping Up the Narcissistic Personality:</h2> <p>The infographic above is a new model I have developed to better understand the emotional experience of narcissistic individuals, as well as to understand the relationship between well-known types of narcissism (e.g., grandiose, deflated). This graphic is both more complex than I intended, yet still is an oversimplification of the emotional nuances of narcissism. My hope is that this will provide some useful understanding for those whose lives have been affected by narcissism, or see some narcissistic traits in themselves. Although recipients of narcissistic abuse (understandably) feel weary of trying to see things from the narcissist’s perspective, the capacity to put ourselves in the shoes of another can be a powerful source of resilience.</p> <p>I’d love to get questions and feedback in the comments to help clarify all our understanding of the phenomenon of narcissism. Please subscribe below and share widely–the more join the discussion, the better!</p> <p><strong>References:</strong></p> <p>American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596</p> <p><strong>Further Reading on Narcissism:</strong></p> <p>To review what the <a href="https://dsm.psychiatryonline.org/doi/book/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596">DSM-5</a> (Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) has to say about personality disorders and/or narcissism, a review copy of the DSM-5 section on <a href="https://mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Personality-Disorders-DSM-5.pdf">Personality Disorders DSM-5 can be found here.</a></p> <p class="entry-title"><a href="https://mindsplain.com/healthy-narcissism/">Dear Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse: Own Your Healthy Narcissism!</a></p> <p><a href="https://mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/Bromberg-on-Narcissism.pdf">Bromberg, P. (1983) The Mirror and the Mask—On Narcissism and Psychoanalytic Growth. Contemporary Psychoanalysis, 19:359-387</a></p> <p><a href="https://mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/on-the-narcissistic-state-of-consciousness.pdf">Bach, S. (1977). On the narcissistic state of consciousness. International Journal of Psycho-Analysis, 58, 209-233.</a></p> <p><a href="https://mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/on-narcissism.pdf">Freud, S. (1957). On narcissism: An introduction. In The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, Volume XIV (1914-1916): On the History of the Psycho-Analytic Movement, Papers on Metapsychology and Other Works (pp. 67-102).</a></p> <p>The post <a href="https://mindsplain.com/narcissistic-personality/">Deconstructing Narcissism: A Model of Emotional Dynamics of the Narcissistic Personality</a> appeared first on <a href="https://mindsplain.com">Mindsplain</a>.</p> ]]></content:encoded> <post-id xmlns="com-wordpress:feed-additions:1">1407</post-id> </item> </channel> </rss>