This is a comprehensive guide to better sleep.
In this article you’ll learn six actionable sleep tips:
- The psychology of insomnia.
- Ideal conditions for sleep.
- How to stop nightmares.
- 7 actionable steps to sleep better.
- 8 sleep hygiene tools that get results.
- How to use “brain tapping” to fall asleep.
Let’s get started.
Psychology of Insomnia
It’s useful to remember that, in one way or another, we all seek relaxation through sensations that bring us back to a state of complete, passive, dependency – the most profound of these experiences being the period in which we were nestled safely inside our mother’s womb. Sounds, beats, enclosed spaces can all take us back to this state, where letting go, relaxing, and falling asleep posed no challenge.
Since sleep is one of the most natural things we do, insomnia is typically an issue with experience overriding this natural proclivity due to perceived risk to survival. This episode of Radiolab on sleep makes a compelling case that predation threat is one such environmental factor that could make falling asleep difficult.
Difficulties falling asleep signal problems accessing the anima, or feminine psychic entity that resides in everyone.
Sleep can also be conceptualized as a feminine force; it represents surrender, seduction, and passive receptivity. Difficulties falling asleep signal problems accessing the anima, or feminine psychic entity that resides in everyone. Reasons for disavowing the feminine and refusing to be seduced are too many to mention. Trauma is the most obvious.
Any single-minded obsession, the feeling of being overwhelmed (and thus a need to access phallic energy), developmental disruptions in attachment or history of rigid masculine socialization that includes shaming of natural feminine instincts are other examples.
If you struggle with sleep, what is your relationship to the feminine?
Ideal Conditions for Sleep
The famous “Rockabye Baby” children’s lullaby is known for maternal aggression concealed in a soft, melodic coating. But the song contains two other important aspects related to sleep: rocking, and falling
Rockabye baby, on the tree top / When the wind blows the cradle will rock / When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall / And down will come baby, cradle and all.
It’s not incidental that the phrase fall asleep contains the verb fall. And rocking soothes by rhythm, along with the implicit reminder that what rocks is safe and secure inside a moving object. The ideal sleeping environment is womb-like. Dark, warm, snug, soft. Inside the womb, the fetus is dead weight despite gently swaying side-to-side when mom-to-be moves.
Looking at these ideal conditions for sleep, it’s easy to see sleep as a surrender. Sleeping means being relaxed, without a care in the world. But most of us don’t let our problems and “rest easy.” We take stress, ruminations, and traumas to bed with us. For some, the stillness of a dark, quiet room underscores a frenetic, chaotic, and noisy mind.
I emphasize here the act of falling asleep. For some staying asleep is the problem. Severely traumatized folks avoid sleep altogether because that’s when the demons of trauma emerge in vivid nightmares. While some of the concepts here will be useful to the waker-uppers and the nightmare-ers, this post aims to give people what they need to sink past the threshold of alert wakefulness down into the release of sleep.
In the gif above, taken from the original Harry Potter film, “devil’s snare” is a tangle of vines that separates one chamber from another. The vines become more and more tangled and constrictive the more you struggle. To pass through to a deeper chamber, Harry, Hermione, and Ron have to relax, go limp, and allow for their dead weight to let them sink smoothly through the barrier.
It’s the perfect metaphor for falling asleep. The line between wakefulness and sleep can’t be crossed with brute force and will. It’s a leap into the unknown–a leap made possible by experiences of trust and care during the first few months of life.
To famed developmental theorist Erik Erikson, this trust forms in the first developmental stage of life. It’s a stage of utter helplessness, where mom (and others) need to anticipate and meet every need. When early experiences during this stage are less than ideal, likely, safety, security, and relaxation will all pose challenges to the affected child. Sleep is one of the most important areas of wellbeing impacted by our feelings of safety and security in moments of vulnerability.
Surrender. Fall Asleep. There is a zen to falling asleep. Willful people have a hard time falling asleep. What are you resisting? What would it look like to give in?
If the issue is nightmares, one method to use to address the problem is this protocol developed by Marsha Linehan taps into primal structures in our brain that induce sleep.
7 Actionable Sleep Tips
Here are 7 Tips to sleep better in 2020. If you don’t want to throw money at your sleep problems, the following strategies are a great starting place to see whether you need to go on a shopping binge and/or seek out a mental health professional to assist with sleep difficulties.
1. Give yourself an hour window to get to sleep (Bedtime +/- 30 minutes)
Okay, this is the type of tip I always hate finding in blog posts – the kind that means creating a rigid routine that almost no one with a life can replicate. But the supporting data comes from Fitbit, which my guess is pretty legit. The main point is that going to bed at a consistent hour is critical for getting the most restful sleep. The facts are the facts. You may not be able to get to bed within the same hour window every day, but there’s no reason why it can’t be a useful aspiration to work into a more comprehensive strategy for getting to sleep.
2. Get up
When you’re tossing and turning and can’t seem to get to sleep, get up. Here’s a useful guideline: whenever you start saying to yourself something like “I should be asleep by now” or “I have to get up in three hours!” It’s a signal that it’s time to hit the reset button. Get up and do something that is equal parts, calming, sedentary, and attention consuming. I don’t recommend being on devices, but reading, meditation, puzzles, knitting, writing, etc. are all examples of activities that will take your mind off of pressure-laden self-talk.
I often hear patients discuss how they can’t get to sleep to save their lives, but as soon as they get to their morning business meeting, they can’t keep their eyes open. Underwhelming stimulation that gets you out of your head is the key to transitioning into a restful state. Get up and find something that does this for you. It will also help in disentangling frustration and sleep.
3. Light stretching before bed
Whether you prefer good old fashioned stretching or yoga, stretching muscles is an excellent way to find and release tension accumulated throughout the day. Not only can stretching help fall asleep, but I’ve noticed that my sleep feels noticeably more restful when I’ve stretched before bed. The book below is an excellent, comprehensive guide to stretching. An accompanying DVD guide is also available for purchase.
Flipping through this reference will provide many options for “wind-down” stretches–stretches that transition you into a restful state rather than preparing you for strenuous activity. Make sure you follow the guidelines about warming your muscles up before you begin stretching to maximize benefits and to prevent injury.
4. Listen to Books and Podcasts, ASMR, & Lullabies (baby yourself)
Human voices, especially voices that tell stories, are great for this. Don’t be shy about regressing to get to sleep. Play a bedtime story from Audible, or even a YouTube video with an autonomous sensory meridian response (ASMR) reading of a bedtime story, could be exactly the trick.
5. Paced breathing
Paced breathing induces relaxation by varying rates of inhaling, holding of breath, and exhaling. For a specific protocol, go here. Many apps can also be had that assist in paced breathing exercises.
I’ve found the use of specific counts/rates of inhaling and exhaling to leverage concentration on the breath in such a way that deep, relaxing states can be found in very short periods. All focus on the breath can be useful and has been used by meditators for eons. Plenty of ASMR tools that play with breath can also be found for free on YouTube.
The ASMR world is a strange place. I find it to be profoundly relaxing. I warn you that it evokes both highly charged maternal and erotic elements that are initially uncomfortable to feel simultaneously. I’d be shocked if it didn’t ultimately put you to sleep, though.
6. Paired Muscle Relaxation
Paired Muscle Relaxation you can find a no-frills guided PMR sequence here. I’ve used it before and it works just fine. Paired muscle relaxation works in two main ways. First, by tensing a muscle, you help it to relax when you release the tension. A muscle is more relaxed after it has just been used.
Second, paired muscle relaxation involves scanning the body. Scanning the body is a type of mindfulness practice that will help you identify where you carry tension in your body. This can be useful in building body awareness, helping you stay more on top of your tension throughout the day, and getting the most out of practices of paired muscle relaxation.
7. See a psychiatrist (or at least your doctor)
This suggestion tends to elicit a reflex of disgust. A few common objections are:
- “I don’t want to be drugged to sleep!”
- “They’re just gonna push pills on me!”
- “I shouldn’t have to use medication to sleep.”
- “I don’t want to become dependent on pills to get to sleep.”
No matter what your objections are, it’s difficult to imagine whatever moral failing psychiatric medication may represent to you could be worse than insomnia. Most people are not aware that a wide range of medications and supplements can be used to help people sleep. They vary from the gentle to robust. Aside from the financial cost, what do you have to lose by a consultation? If you’ve tried everything else, perhaps medication is the missing ingredient.
In short: why suffer unnecessarily?
8 Sleep Hygiene Tools That Get Results
For some, the block to getting consistent sleep is solving a specific problem. Thanks to the profit motive, many handy gadgets and gizmos have been made to solve specific sleep obstacles. Let’s check out a few.
1. Mack’s Earplugs (Tim Ferriss best purchases under $100)
Recommended by Tim Ferriss for sleeping for both home and travel, Mack’s Earplugs have the advantage of superior sound blocking and not jabbing your eardrum while side-sleeping.
2. Blue light blocking glasses
Recommended by the king of biohacking, Dave Asprey, as a way of helping your natural circadian rhythms take over when it’s time for bed. Wear them during the day and certainly anytime you are looking at a screen in the hours before bed.
3. White noise machine / Ambient sound machine
Sound can help in two ways while trying to fall asleep. It can help by drowning out other ambient sounds that awaken the vigilant parts of our mind. Second, ambient sound can soothe by creating an atmosphere with which we associate safety.
4. Sleep Mask
Sleep masks can shut out sleep-interfering light, while simultaneously inducing relaxation through the gentle application of weight around the eyes.
5. Chilipad
If regulating your body temperature interferes with sleep, Tim Ferriss puts his stamp of approval on the Chilipad as a way of maintaining a consistent sleep temperature, even if you sleep next to someone who prefers an entirely different temperature.
6. Cozy Earth Stretch-Knit Pajamas (Oprah’s Favorite Things 2019)
A comfortable pair of women’s pajamas that made Oprah’s list of Favorite Things, 2019. The Cozy Earth website describes these PJ’s the following way:
- Flattering stretch-knit fabric designed for every-BODY
- Supreme softness, hand, and drape with pockets
- Enhanced breathability, temperature regulation for class around the home
- Generously sized for relaxed luxury
I’m not a woman and have never worn these pajamas. But like everyone else, I love Oprah. If she endorses the comfort of these pajamas, then I do too. Pajamas may seem like a trivial thing, but routines are ways human beings aid in the transition from one activity to another.
I don’t know about you, but when I’m getting ready for bed, I just as often say “I’m gonna put my pj’s on” as I say “I’m gonna get ready for bed.” PJ’s are very often the first cue to ourselves that we are moving on to bed.
7. Weighted Blanket
Endorsed by “The Today Show,” weighted blankets help create a feeling of cozy containment. Long used to help soothe dysregulated children, weighted blankets have a soothing and swaddling effect. If you’ve ever found yourself wanting to drift off to sleep at the dentist when you’re covered by the lead apron, you might just find a weighted blanket to be the thing that tips you into a restful sleep.
8. Why We Sleep, by Matthew Walker
Joe Rogan delves into some of the research and arguments presented by Matthew Walker in this book in this interview. Touted as a comprehensive guide to understanding the importance of sleep while also presenting strategies for restful sleep, Why We Sleep is a must-own for people who struggle to fall asleep.
Sleep Tips 2020 Bonus: How to use “Brain Tapping” to Fall Asleep
In what upside-down universe should we need to trick ourselves into falling asleep? Well, evidently the world in which we live has become one in which sleep has become increasingly difficult. We need to “trick” our brains, because getting to sleep is not an act of will–in fact it’s just the opposite.
Let’s take a look at what Jim Donovan devised, his so-called “brain tapping,” and why I see it as more than just a drop in the torrent of self-help gimmicks.
The Key to Falling Asleep: Rhythm
Donovan, a drummer and drum instructor, calls his sleep-inducing routine “Brain tapping.” The principle that the routine leverages to create restful sleep is the “frequency following response.”
Donovan cites neurobiological literature on the frequency following response, which is the natural instinct towards synchrony and attunement necessary for emotional closeness and the enjoyment of rhythm.
More succinctly, when the brain notices a pattern, it connects with it, and follows it.
Donovan used his observations during warm-up exercises as a drum instructor that his students appeared to get droopy eyes while the room synchronized on a soft, steady beat.
He then adapted this warm-up exercise to a pre-bedtime exercise that can be as short as 30 seconds or as long as five minutes.
30-Second Exercise
- Sit comfortably at the edge or foot of your bed. Close your eyes, and bring your hands to your lap
- Gently create a soft beat on your lap by alternatingly tapping your right and left hands. Follow the R-L-R-L pattern at rate of ticking stopwatch (120 BPM metronome)
- Breathe Slowly, gently noticing points of tension and releasing as much of this tension as possible.
- As you start to relax, gradually slow rhythm down.
Donovan warns that even though this procedure is simple, it takes practice to routinize and for it to provide optimal results. Repeat until you’ve tailored it to be both effortless and maximally relaxing.
Sleep tight!
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