Breaking up with a romantic partner is pure agony. While it’s worse to be dumped, ending a longterm relationship is no picnic either. In both cases, our brains and bodies experience the same kinds of effects that folks who are depressed and recovering from addiction feel. The harsh reality is dealing with loss in any area of life takes time and there is no quick and easy way out. Fortunately, we don’t have to grieve forever, and if we approach the breakup with the right mindset, we emerge from the darkness of loss a more well-rounded person. Five things that can minimize damage and promote healing are the following: 1. Practice acceptance; 2. Do damage control; 3. Take inventory; 4. Plant a seed; and 5. Befriend the future.
Practice Acceptance:
The shortest way out of the pain of breakup is to find a way to reconcile, right? In most cases, chasing the urge to get back together with your ex simply delays the inevitable. For every bushel of breakups, only a small handful are true mistakes. If you initiate the breakup, approach the separation with the assumption that your instincts are right. Do we sometimes follow a misguided feeling? Sure. But doubting yourself rarely leads to gratifying outcomes. To function optimally in life, we have to believe in our own inner wisdom. If you truly don’t have any inner wisdom, then your breakup has just given you an opportunity to develop some.
If you are the one dumped, acceptance means accepting a steaming pile of crappy realities. To name a few these difficult truths: life is unfair, we can’t control others, nothing in life is certain, abandonment is one of life’s deepest pains, and that pain can be both indifferent and unreasonable.
Depressed yet?
Not to worry, reality acceptance is tough in the beginning but gets easier with momentum. Visual imagery can be extremely useful.
Imagine yourself at a fork in the road. While the place that each path leads is out of sight, you know from this blog that the path on the left, though it’s sunny and lush, takes you in a loop back to where you are standing. The one on the right is dark and thorny, but will leads to a mysterious new place. Acceptance means both longing to take the pretty path, while knowing the darkness and thorny path is the direction you need to go. Repeat this visualization as well as the image of you making the courageous choice to take the mysterious path whenever you are tempted by the instant gratification to be found on the left path.
Like Odysseus, resisting the call of the sirens, acceptance of our own seduce-ability may mean lashing ourselves to the mast of our ship. Use this image and put in the necessary constraints to choose the right path again and again. Accepting reality is not a step taken one time, but rather is a lengthy series of repeated choices to act with the awareness of what cannot be avoided.
Mindfulness is another tool that assists in helping us accept our lot in life. Mindfulness is fundamentally an exercise in accepting what is, observing it, and watching it drift away. Whatever arises, whether good or bad, ultimately dissipates. The following books and videos I have found to be useful in facilitating the process of accepting our fate.
Do damage control:
My first heartbreak happened when I was in 4th grade by a girl we’ll call Laura. Sometimes I still feel the sting of that first abandonment. Being so young and naive at the time, I made all kinds of outlandish efforts to get any attention I could from my lost love. When I saw nothing worked, I persisted in making intrusive efforts to win her back. She became so annoyed by my relentless pursuit, she made her own grand gesture. Laura planned and executed a plot to publicly humiliate me in order to get me off of her back. She and a group of friends hid behind a playground backstop while one of her co-conspirators goaded me into professing my undying love for her. Laura and her accomplices listened in while I poured my jilted heart out. The gaggle of girls jumped out with the glee of sated revenge. Don’t be 4th grade me.
Sometimes the best thing we can do is nothing. We all know that success is the best revenge. The only problem with this axiom is that success takes time and is its own reward; by the time it has been achieved, the feeling of accomplishment often eclipses a longing for revenge. Successful tolerating of distress means taking precautions against drunk-dialing or any other act of desperation conceived with the aim of reaching your ex. Recall the image of Odysseus lashed to the mast of his ship as he and his crew passed the island of the sirens. Even the greatest heroes know to fetter themselves when they are most vulnerable to temptation. People were not designed to tolerate these kinds of separation, and yet we are so often called upon to endure them. Oftentimes wisdom is knowing the limits of your will.
Doing nothing when motivated to act out of spite or hopeless longing may seem unfulfilling. But not doing something can be a form of proactivity. Be relentlessly vigilant about making choices to spite your ex. Do you really like the person your friend set you up with, or are you just hoping your ex finds out? Would you be tempted to post this content on instagram if you did not think your ex would see it? Do you need that 5th, 6th, or 7th drink or do thoughts of your ex make you want to move closer to psychic oblivion?
Doing damage control means protecting your dignity. When we feel as though we’ve been dropped by someone, dignity may seem like the least of our concerns. It’s actually extremely important. Keeping our dignity and maintaining self-respect are active choices that allow for self-love to seep into the empty spaces left by lost love.
Take inventory:
I’m a big believer that the language we use to describe things carries deep meaning about the human psyche. I thus put a lot of stock in the phrases “break up,” “take a break,” “broken heart,” “heartbroken,” etc. When we are with a partner long enough, we build a life with them. When the relationship ends, that life falls apart.
Surveying the damage can be overwhelming. However, the broken pieces of the old life contain both valuable raw materials as well as hoarded trash. These pieces must be sifted through one by one. Did you really like the newest Woody Allen film, or did you simply get off on your ex’s enjoyment of it? Perhaps you can finally throw away that ugly sweater your ex’s family bought you last Christmas. Conversely, that tiny Turkish restaurant your ex introduced you to is cheap, delicious, and needs to be MY go-to Turkish restaurant. Consciously deciding what will remain yours and what goes in the bin is an important and empowering process. If we insist on throwing everything out, and banishing all reminders, the energy we spend destroying all traces of our ex is still an emotional connection.
Loving someone changes us forever, and that’s almost always a net positive. Just because some amount of hurt, angry, or sad feelings linger from a failed relationship does not mean we cannot have been changed or affected by our ex’s. Everyone is a mix of desirable and undesirable tastes, habits, and qualities. A breakup is a fantastic time to keep as much of the desirable as you can while leaving as much of the the undesirable aspects as can be discarded in the past.
“Go with the grain of your impulses towards growth, wherever they take you, adopting an attitude of playfulness and creativity.”
Plant a seed:
The things that fall apart in a breakup are the compost for new growth. Developing new areas of our lives require time, energy, commitment, and nurturance that may not have been available to us when we were doing so much of this for our partner. This needn’t be a project on the scale of the great American novel. I love symbols and metaphors. Finding a meaningful pursuit rife with symbolism is a good place to start. If you want to grow but are not sure in what area, learn some basic gardening (literally plant a seed!). If you feel ugly, take an art class that helps you find beauty in the world. If you feel your relationship ended because of a rigid personality, take up yoga or stretching. Shortly after my divorce, I developed a keen interest in woodworking. My unconscious mind was actively working on building a new life. Go with the grain of your impulses towards growth, wherever they take you, adopting an attitude of playfulness and creativity. Symbolism may not be obvious or even relevant, but can provide direction in the absence of inspiration.
Befriend the future:
If you find yourself completely immersed in despair during a breakup, with no hopes or dreams for the future, then you should probably not be surprised your relationship ended. This is a sign you placed too much importance (and strain) on your romantic life. It becomes essential to find something to strive for and look forward to. Could this be the time to take that month-long roadtrip across the country? Perhaps now is the time to apply for a job in a new country, state, or city. Maybe a savings/investment goal is more achievable now that your spendthrift ex is out of the picture. Plan for the time when you are ready to get to know an attractive, available, and previously forbidden potential love interest. Picturing new possibilities, the more vivid the better, means embracing the newfound freedom purchased by comfort and security. The same principles of play and creativity from tip four apply here as well.
Summing Up:
Breakups place us face to face with realities we would prefer not to confront. These realities, especially pain, can only be avoided at great future cost. But like any wound, we can treat it and ourselves in a manner that allows our inner resources to do the necessary work of healing. I propose 5 practices to treat a broken heart after a difficult end to a meaningful relationship. The five tips are to practice acceptance, limit damage, take stock of the pieces of your life, begin a project of growth, and make friends with the future. Godspeed on your journey.