Passive Aggression
Passive aggression is difficult to define, but tends to be unmistakable when we encounter it. It can take many forms: a backhanded compliment, an act of martyrdom, a plaintive remark that’s “not about you” (but almost certainly is). Even more frustrating are more ambiguous and disavowed actions that seem to be about something bigger than the issue at hand. Showing emotional distance, “forgetting” to do something important, not responding to a text message, or simply expressing small grievances when a bigger complaint is the elephant in the room.
So what makes the passive aggressive behavior we receive so frustrating? I believe the attack in passive aggression to be a combination of abandoning and “gaslighting” (i.e., making someone doubt the validity of their own thoughts, feelings, and/or perceptions). We’ve all had the experience of impotently asking an passive-aggressive offender the naive question “What’s wrong?” The inevitable reply? “Nothing.” The perpetrator of passive aggression delights in our anxious feeling that something is off, our powerlessness in resolving the main issue, and the needy persistence with which we pursue clemency. As long as the offender can maintain plausible deniability about feeling angry, we can feel powerless about restoring an important relationship to its desirable state. We feel alone and abandoned by the other and begin to doubt our sanity.
Before getting into some practical tips about how to deal with someone who is acting passive aggressively, we need to ask ourselves a few questions.
a. How important is this relationship?
How we will proceed depends largely on who the offender is and what we are willing to tolerate. It’s reasonable to put in a bigger effort to deal with our mother showing passive aggressive behavior than an eye-rolling server at a restaurant. Is it a date? First date or tenth? If it’s a first date, it might be best to keep swiping. If it is a coworker, how much interaction do you have and how vital is the relationship to your success at work?
b. What is my goal in navigating this interaction?
A natural extension of question one, what do you need to have happen? If the passive aggressor is a waiter, you probably just need to finish your meal without him spitting in your food. With a romantic partner, your goal could be to address not only the current occurrence, but also to establish a set of expectations around what type of behavior you will and will not tolerate. With a parent or close family member, you may have to balance acceptance of who the person is with a plan for how to survive this (and the inevitable next) instance of passive aggressive behavior.
c. What values of my own do I need to preserve?
No matter who we are dealing with, we need to create a plan that allows us to live with ourselves and navigate the conflict with as much self-respect intact as possible.
With this framework in mind, let’s look at some guidelines for dealing with passive aggressive behavior.
1. Trust your gut
We are extremely sophisticated social creatures. We are wired to detect all kinds of cues from our environment, as well as from members of our community. We are also a highly interdependent species. And while we rely on others for many things, we have our own senses, perceptions, and emotions for a reason. We must listen to others, but maintaining our own autonomy and trusting our own impulses is essential in maintaining a sense of agency, developing an identity, and being able to have healthy relationships with others. Passive aggression makes us anxious because of the discordance between what we perceive and what another tells us. When we trust others’–especially hostile others–perceptions over our own, we begin to lose some of our individuality and sense of self. Mental health means balancing needs for independence and dependence. Dismissing our own feelings often pushes us to far into the direction of dependency.
In short, when you feel someone is acting passive aggressive, you’re probably right. This does not mean we don’t check in with the other person, but when the inconsistency between what you’re told and what you feel continues, it’s usually better to go with your gut.
2. Confront
Most problems, whether interpersonal or otherwise, are best addressed early and directly. Avoiding problems, especially the emotional dishonesty of passive aggression, very often feels like the safest and easiest path. Avoiding a problem only serves to increase our perception of threat. It never gets easier and usually gets worse. If it’s a passive aggressive toll collector, then don’t bother, you get a pass. But if your adversary is important to you, confronting the problem head on is the most healthy option. As a wise mentor of mine once said, “If you can’t be mad at someone, then you don’t really trust them.” A logical consequence of this truism is that leaning in and confronting passive aggressive behavior is an excellent way to enhance trust.
3. Picture the other person as a young child (and you’re the adult!)
Mercifully, passive aggressive behavior has one redeeming quality: it is often easy to imagine a young child showing similar behavior as your passive aggressive foe. When we can view the other as a more vulnerable (and cute) type of human, we are in a better position to find empathy and to feel less threatened by the conflict that the passive party is avoiding. If you are not sure how you would confront a young child, due to lack of experience and parents who were similarly unskilled, imagine someone you know who is skilled with kids. Remember, that you can be (and often must be!) very firm with children. Children receive the message of care and concern when adults are angry through tone and language. Research has shown that setting limits is an essential when parenting, and I would add, to all relationships. The caveat here is that limit setting is most effective when delivered with empathy.
4. Assert your needs and expectations about the process of resolving conflict
Just because someone regresses to passive aggressive strategies instead of openly discussing a grievance does not mean that the grievance has no merit. Assure the offender that you would like to understand what you have done to elicit such a reaction and that the relationship is important. Explain that while you care about the passive perpetrator’s feelings, you find {passive aggressive behavior X} to be extremely annoying. Emphasize that as an adult person, you expect that this person will communicate with you in a more direct, constructive manner.
5. Accept that being effective does not mean eliciting a “positive” response from the passive aggressor
Addressing passive aggressive behavior with a fellow adult means that you are confronting a pattern of behavior that has lasted the better part of a lifetime. At some point, withdrawing, being cold, denying that there is a problem, etc. were tactics that obtained some desirable outcome. To create a change in behavior in another person, you will need to expect that passive aggression could get even worse. Like the tantruming toddler who increases their volume and distress when mom denies him a new toy, the passive aggressive individual could very well get both more passive and more aggressive before he learns that you don’t back down. There is even a fancy label for “it will get worse before it gets better,” called “extinction burst” by the behaviorists. The key is to be resolute in your stance, knowing that neither one of you will be better off by rewarding childish behavior with hovering attention.
6. Remember that it is not the other’s responsibility to resolve your abandonment fears
Being abandoned is a primal existential fear to which nobody is immune. However, if you have had a history of receiving abandoning and invalidating care, you will feel this more acutely than others. Dealing with passive aggression effectively requires an ability to tolerate another’s emotional withdrawal and thus your own abandonment fears. If you cannot tolerate these negative emotions, not only will you be easily manipulated by passive aggressive behavior, but you will also reinforce passive aggressive behavior, ensuring you receive it with increasing frequency.
The best response to passive aggression I have ever encountered:
Tania, a friend of mine, confided in me her frustration about how her coworkers were treating her at her new job. She felt angry and hurt that her office mates seemed to go out of their way to make her feel unwelcome. Tania described conversations, where these coworkers would complain about Tania in her presence, but would not name her.
One said to the other: “Can you believe that some people here think they don’t have to do their work the way everybody else does?”
Excuse me!? “Tania responded.
Unphased and without any acknowledgment to Tania, the same coworker continued “And now they think we’re talking about her. It’s all about her.”
Instead of speaking up, Tania moved closer to her passive aggressive coworker, whose back was to Tania. Tania positioned herself just behind the bully, fixing her eyes on the back of the offender’s head. Tania held his position until her colleague turned around. Upon seeing Tania’s stern and steadfast gaze, the coworker gasped and nearly jumped out of the chair.
I shared my delight with how well I felt she had handled herself. Tania beamed, explaining that her coworkers had become extremely friendly towards her since the described incident.
Some may find Tania’s response heavy-handed, but I’ll tell you what I like about it. Knowing what I did about Tania, I understood that her posturing, though intimidating, did not come with any threat of violence. The brilliance of her response comes from the gaze itself. It is often difficult to confront passive behavior because the perpetrator can explain away hostile behaviors. Tania’s stare, without words, seemed to say “I see what you are doing. We both know what you are doing, and I do not like it.”
It’s true that “using your words” is almost always the best approach to conflict and confrontation. However, I think Tania’s response is the exception that proves the rule. She did not shy away. She did not offer her coworker the opportunity to deny her aggression. Her response was both confident and symbolically meaningful.
I encourage everyone to follow Tania’s lead and be bold in your confronting of passive aggressive behavior. Explain that you know what you see and will not be convinced otherwise. Expose concealed aggression to the light of day. And most importantly, enjoy the benefits of having a direct and open dialogue, rather than coldness of silence and disowned aggression.
For more insights into dealing with difficult people, behavior, and situations, follow Dr. Kinsey on Twitter (@mindsplain), and/or sign up below to receive Dr. Kinsey’s newsletter. Dialogue, questions, and comments are welcome!