The most widely held theory of etiology for BPD is that sufferers of borderline personality disorder have both a temperamental predisposition (genetic emotional sensitivity and receptivity to one’s emotional environment) AND an emotionally invalidating environment during sensitive developmental periods.
I would add that the larger context for both of these etiological factors is an intergenerational history of trauma. Explaining this is beyond the scope of this question, but an important point to hold in mind.
This context is necessary to answer the question, since we have to consider how likely parents are to really empathize with the pain of their children.
And, the short answer is that parents are not likely to fully comprehend how they have contributed to their child’s BPD. The reasons for this are as follows:
- Parents don’t tend to be aware of their contributions to the disorder without significant soul-searching because they are the source of the emotionally-invalidating environment.
- “Awareness” as used in the original question, in my reading, implies more than just intellectual understanding. Parents can cognitively “understand” that they contributed to their child’s pain without really conveying an emotional resonance. Many borderline personality disorder sufferers wonder this about their parents’ awareness because they still starve for the emotional validation they lacked when younger. Validation means more than just parents knowing that they had a role–it means empathizing and feeling a sense of responsibility (i.e., validation means emotional understanding).
- What I have learned in working with children is that diagnoses carry additional dangers compared to diagnosing adults. Since parents bring children to treatment, and often not as a preventative measure, the diagnosis is a way to locate problems in the child rather than the family system. The nature of BPD is that the signs of the disorder are almost always visible in childhood, parents are likely to have the idea that they have a mentally-ill child rather than a dysfunctional set of family dynamics and/or parenting practices.
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Repairing Relationships
One of the implied questions in the initial query is “how are long-standing grievances repaired?” Or, “how can someone truly forgive parents for creating an environment that has led to so much pain and upheaval?”
The list below describes the 3 Conditions I believe must be met for a nursed grievance to be forgiven:
- The offender must express remorse: Remorse usually comes in the form of a heartfelt apology. A good apology consists of both sincerity and an indication that the offended party has been heard and understood.
- The offender must mean it: In my work with couples in families, I’ve seen that apologies are almost always followed by re-escalations of the dispute. The offended party does this as a natural “authenticity check.” If the offender reacts in a defensive and/or argumentative manner, then the aggrieved party tends not to believe that the apologizer really means what s/he says.
- The expression of remorse must not be transparently self-serving: An apology can be sincere and meant, but is the expression of remorse purely an attempt to deal with nagging guilt? Of course, guilt and remorse are inherent to a strong apology. However, there are some instances where an apology comes more from an offender’s own emotional dysregulation instead of an expressed need from the aggrieved. Signs of a self-serving apology usually have to do with timing. Has the offended party asked for it? Expressed a grievance? Shared pain? Very often apologies come from a transgressor’s own psychotherapy, which often makes the offended party feel like the apology is more about her/him than me.
It should go without saying that all of the above is based on broad-brush assumptions and sweeping generalizations. If it doesn’t resonate with your experience, then of course, disregard it!
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