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first text to your online dating match

So, You Matched With Someone On Your Dating App. Now what?

Published by Kylie Feller

We all know that slight flush and exciting vibrations you get when you have matched with someone. Those sensations associated with the possibilities of meeting someone special never really goes away. What you do next is what sets the stage for your future connection. 

Although we like to believe we are original many of us rely on the same formula to strike up a conversation with our matches. Maybe these are not working, or you have gotten tired or just relying on “Hey” or “How’s it going”. These lines will not land well with a lot of people and could show you are not that interested. Plus, they often end in dead conversations. 

Asking the right questions after you have matched with someone online is important because it will help you determine if you are compatible with them enough to want to go on an actual date. There is no point in meeting up with someone if there is a limited chance you will actually get along. Online dating is awkward enough, by asking the right questions you can save yourself some time and hopefully some bad first dates. 

Here are some questions that can help you connect with your match and get to know them a bit more to help you determine if there might actually be a real connection. 

10 Questions To Ask Your Match To Spark A Conversation 

ask good questions
  1. What does your typical weekend look like?  

This questions lets you know a little bit more about them and see if it matches your typical weekend. Are they a Netflix binge type of person or a party animal drinking type of person or something else? There is no right or wrong answer it just helps you get an idea of who they are and if it matches your own interests. 

  1. What is your favorite kind of vacation? 

This question gives you an idea if they are a thrill-seeker or a beach bum. This question opens the door to a conversation about previous trips and travel. It also gives you more insight into the things they have done and what they find fun, shedding light on what future vacations might look like if you connect with this person. 

text conversation
  1. What are some of your interests/passions? 

Understanding people’s passions and interests help to get to the core of a person’s being. They give you a window into their value system. You can follow this question up with why their interests or passions are important to them. Research also shows that having similar interests and passions also increases the chances of having a successful relationships.  If someone responds with “I don’t know” then it might be a bit of a red flag.

  1. What is on your bucket list? 

This question gives you some insight into what they wish to accomplish in their life and what is important to them. If you are a true match hopefully your buckets lists are a bit in alignment or compatible with each other. 

  1. What Makes You Laugh? 

Research has shown that most singles want a partner that has a good sense of humour. To have someone in their life that brings lightness and levity into the relationship. Discovering what makes this person laugh will give you some insight into their personality and outlook on life. 

  1. Do you have a dream you are pursuing? 

Everyone should have a dream or goal they are pursuing in life. Dreams can be related to any area of one’s life including one’s personal or professional dreams, travel, artistic development, etc. This question can help you determine if their dreams and goals are in alignment or compatible with your own. 

  1. What is something you have accomplished that you are proud of? 

Allowing space for people to share the things they are proud of lets them know you are open to really getting to know them. It also opens up space for you to gain a deeper understanding of what is important to them. Is what they are proud of something you admire and connect with? This again shows similar interests and passions important elements to consider before going on a date. 

  1. What stood out for you from my profile? 

This question can help you gain more clarity about their intentions and how engaged they are in the conversation. It helps to target their intentions with you. It can also be helpful to share what stood out for you from their profile also. Maybe comments on a picture or something from their bio that stood out to you. 

  1. Where does your family live and do you see them often? 

Family values are pretty important to most people. This question helps you learn a bit about where they are from and how close they are to their family. You want to be sure their view of family matches your own. 

  1. What are you looking for on here? 

This question is good to ask before meeting up with someone as it lets you know if they are just looking for a hookup, to have fun, or actually looking for a true relationship. This question can help you weed out people that might not align with what you are looking for and save you time in meeting them if it doesn’t.

If you are looking for a relationship and they just want to hook up, don’t think that you can hook up with them and they will change their mind. It’s important to believe people when they say what they are looking for and to not put yourself in a position where you develop feeling for someone who is not interested in having a relationship. It is a trap a lot of people fall into and if you can avoid it you can avoid a lot of pain, listen to what people say, not what you want them to say. 

Just Be You 

Online dating can feel vulnerable. You might have a strong desire to put your best foot forward, to appear likeable or desirable. This desire to show up a certain way can actually get in the way of you showing up as you are. Remember you being you is enough to attract and connect to the people who should be in your life. You do not have to try too hard or fear being judged. 

Most people are too concerned with how they are being perceived to be that judgemental. Also, the people that might be judgemental, you probably don’t want to go on a date with them. Just commit to being your genuine authentic self. If you try to come off other than who you are, it can set the relationship upon an inauthentic foundation that is less stable than if you just let your True Self lead. 

Don’t Take Things Too Personally 

We are all unique in our dating preferences and what turns us on or off of someone. What one person might find inviting, funny or interesting might not be the same for another person. Therefore, there is not a one shoe fits all for all situation when engaging with people on dating apps. This is why it’s important to remember that if something you say does not land with someone it might with someone else. 

Be gentle with yourself as you find your own voice and flow to connect with people online. Hopefully, these suggestions help you build some confidence and direction to help you navigating online dating and finding your person.

Weigh In

Have a follow up question or constructive input? Join the conversation in the comments below…

References

Psychology Today: The Importance of Shared Interests

Science Daily: Why Humor is Important in Romantic Attraction

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feelings as facts in bpd

“My truth”: Why Sufferers of Borderline Personality Disorder Treat Feelings as Facts

Published by Michael Kinsey, Ph.D.

People with a Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis can often seem to overvalue their own thoughts and feelings.  In the cognitive behavioral therapy tradition, this phenomenon gets labeled as “emotional reasoning.” 

The logic of emotional reasoning goes like this:  what I feel or think with conviction MUST be true because I feel so strongly that it’s true.

The problem, of course, is many things feel true that aren’t.  For example, the earth feels flat, but isn’t.  A watched pot may feel like it takes forever to boil, but it always does given the burner works and is turned on.

Here’s where it gets complicated.  People with BPD treat their thoughts and feelings as facts because:

  1. Caregivers historically have not taken their thoughts and feelings seriously at all (i.e., invalidating emotional environment)
  2. The invalidating emotional environment makes sufferers of BPD self-invalidate; this means, they don’t take themselves seriously!
emotionally invalidating environment
It’s widely believed that the cause of BPD in adulthood is an emotionally invalidating childhood

Why would someone who doesn’t really believe that their internal world matters treat their thoughts and feelings as factual?  The answer is quite simple: it’s too painful to relive the experience of emotional invalidation.  So, people with BPD try like heck to convince themselves that their feelings are valid, they are reasonable, and they matter.

In fact, the impulse to defend even misguided beliefs is really a healthy, self-protective one for people with BPD.  If someone with borderline personality disorder stops defending cherished thoughts and feelings, it’s likely a sign that they are amid a major depressive episode.

What constitutes an emotionally invalidating environment:

Marsha Linehan, PhD identifies several characteristics of an invalidating environment:

In short, the rigidity with which sufferers of BPD protect thoughts and feelings is an adaptation to the environment described above.  

What’s the best way to deal with people who defend “irrational” thoughts or feelings with anger and hostility?

Show them that you understand how they would come to that conclusion.  

For example:

“The earth is flat!!!”

“It most certainly feels that way.  If I hadn’t seen the pictures of earth from space, I’d agree with you.”

Of course, this is not always easy and it won’t diffuse every situation.  But, it’s much better than accusing the sufferer of BPD that they are crazy or behaving irrationally.  They’ve probably heard something similar many times before.  

And it’s very, very painful.  

Folks with Borderline Personality Disorder probably won’t (and shouldn’t) accept such an accusation without a fight.

Join the conversation! We welcome all constructive questions, comments, and requests for clarification in the comments section below.

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npd vs bpd

It’s not easy being green: Is envy in BPD the same shade as envy in NPD?

Published by Michael Kinsey, Ph.D.

Many have observed that borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder both share a common denominator of envy. Envy, since it’s a feeling of being or having less than someone else, is what points clinicians to the core feelings of emptiness at the heart of both disorders.

But since the DSM-5 classifies these cluster B disorders as separate entities, does it naturally follow that envy presents differently in BPD vs NPD?

Before addressing this question, I’ll start with several caveats:

  1. Envy is a natural emotion that everyone not only experiences, but also expresses in more than one way (Narcissism is also a trait that all possess and can express in numerous ways)
  2. BPD and NPD have many different expressions.  If you look at the criteria for BPD and NPD, then calculate all of the different ways someone can meet criteria for the disorder, you’ll find that there can be tremendous diversity in symptom clusters within the same diagnostic category
  3. Personality disorders are notorious for bleeding into one another.  Most people who meet criteria for one PD tend to also meet criteria for(at least) a second PD.  NPD and BPD are very closely related in etiology and expression, making them very good candidates to diagnose together.

That being said, here’s the broad-strokes difference as I see it:

In Borderline Personality Disorder, the root of envy stems from having a fluid, rapidly-shifting, unstable sense of self.  Sufferers of BPD often envy people who display a certain confidence–or even rigidity–in how they present themselves to the world.

The fact that people with BPD often find themselves in relationships with Narcissists is directly attributable to the fact that narcissists are extremely rigid and present a very polished, unchanging version of themselves to the world.  Those with BPD simultaneously are attracted to and hate/envy narcissists for being so “stable.” 

The irony, of course, is that many argue BPD is at the core of narcissism.

In short, people with BPD keep those they envy close–they even tend to idealize and emulate those they envy.  When envy manifests as aggression, BPD sufferers will gossip or talk behind the object-of-envy’s back.

Narcissists, on the other hand, have a more contentious relationship with those they envy.  Narcissists are more likely to directly compete with or criticize the people they envy.  Envy gets expressed in a more hostile manner.  

Narcissists are also much more likely to deny that envy lies at the root of this hostility.  While someone with BPD might acknowledge that hostility is connected to envy, a narcissist would feel injured to admit that someone has a quality that s/he lacks and desires.

Of course, there is much more nuance than this, but in my experience, this is the primary difference.

Join the conversation! We welcome all constructive questions, comments, and requests for clarification in the comments section below.

What is forgiveness

What is forgiveness and why is it important? Part 1

Published by Bex April May

Forgiveness: it’s something we talk about a lot, but is much easier said than done. 

While our emotions around forgiving and the wrongs leading up to it can be some of the most traumatic in life, forgiveness can also be one of the single most important ways to process and grow from our experiences. It’s also completely in your control – and can allow you to take total ownership of a situation, no matter how hurt you have been by it. 

In this exclusive series, we’ll investigate different facets of forgiveness through the eyes of qualified psychologists, psychiatrists, relationship experts, marriage counselors, couples therapists, and spirituality experts to help you better understand forgiveness, and how to effectively apply it to your own circumstances.

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” -Martin Luther King Jr.

What is true forgiveness?

So, let’s start at the beginning: how do you define ‘forgiveness’?

As award-winning licensed clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Dr Michael Kinsey, Ph.D., explains, there are several layers to defining the term as we understand it in psychology. “The etymology of forgiveness is quite interesting,” Dr Kinsey says, “First, it means to give or to grant something. Second, it carries the modifier of ‘completely.’ That is, forgiveness carries the implied virtue of giving or granting completely. This is to say, it’s an all or nothing proposition.” 

“Third, the word also bears the meaning that to forgive means to surrender, give up entirely.  What are we meant to give up entirely? The desire or power to punish,” adds Dr. Kinsey. 

This idea of ‘complete’ forgiveness, says Dr Kinsey, is not realistic, “Many will disagree, but the binary nature of forgiveness makes it a psychological impossibility — thus placing its original usage firmly in the camp of spirituality.” 

Still, many view forgiveness in this all-or-nothing way. Mary Lemmer, the founder of Improve, which improves peoples’ lives with a combination of improv comedy, behavioral research, and neuroscience, says, “Forgiveness is acknowledging the pain or hurt you feel, and being able to truly let go of it and not hold anyone accountable for that pain or hurt.” 

Of course, there’s a very literal way to define the term. “Merriam-Webster now defines forgiveness as the act of giving up ‘resentment of or claim to requital,’” says Dr. Kinsey, “To me, this definition still seems anti-psychodynamic – it also does not obey the natural laws of emotions.” 

Understanding forgiveness

If the etymological definition of forgiveness doesn’t chime with our understanding of natural psychology, perhaps now is the time to redefine what exactly we mean when we talk about the concept. 

Dr. Kinsey agrees, “In order to be aligned with psychological laws, I would redefine forgiveness to include the following elements: Firstly, forgiveness is a process, not an act. Second, forgiveness is a practice; that is to say, it may never be entirely complete. Put another way, forgiveness is asymptotic.”

When an act is sufficiently malicious, forgiveness can be like an asymptote–you can get closer to it but never reach it completely

“Forgiveness is also a practice of accepting grief, rather than defending against pain of loss through retributive anger,” adds Dr. Kinsey.  

Laura Goldstein, LCMFT, is a Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist in Rockville Maryland and Founder of Montgomery County Counseling Center, LLC. Goldstein agrees that forgiveness is inherently linked to grief: “Forgiveness comes with grieving the difference between what you wanted to happen versus what did happen. It also means holding a balance between empathy for someone else, while also not invalidating your own emotions or losing empathy and self-compassion about your own hurts.” 

Grieving may at the core of forgiveness

Austin-based psychotherapist Louis Laves-Webb agrees that empathy from the forgiver plays a large part in forgiveness, too. 

“For some, forgiving a person might feel like offering justification for someone’s transgressions. Others think forgiveness is about changing the past or pretending it didn’t happen at all,” says Laves-Webb, “However, none of these are what forgiveness is truly about. Forgiveness is a way of looking at your past through a more empathetic perspective that allows you to let go of your resentment for the people who wronged you.” 

Why is forgiveness important?

Letting go of resentment may be the most difficult part of forgiveness – but it’s completely in the control of the wronged individual, explains therapist Randy Withers, LCMHC, a North Carolina-based licensed counselor and addictions specialist who specializes in co-occurring disorders. “Forgiveness is the deliberate act of releasing feelings of resentment, vengeance, or hostility to a group or individual who has harmed you, regardless of whether they deserve it.” 

Withers notes that you can forgive without forgetting, too. “Forgiveness does not mean that you have forgotten, nor does it imply that you condone bad behavior. Rather, it is a way to free oneself from the stranglehold of unpleasant thoughts and negative emotions,” he adds. 

The benefits of forgiveness

Being able to forgive but not forget someone’s wrongdoings may not immediately sound like the most spiritually wholesome way to live. But, as Rev. Connie L. Habash, MA, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist, meditation teacher, and interfaith minister, explains, it allows us to acknowledge the harm while still letting it go from our lives.

“Forgiveness isn’t saying that what happened is OK. By going through the process to forgive, we acknowledge with total honesty what happened, what was in our control and what wasn’t, anything that we may have done to contribute to the harm done, and how it has affected our thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions. Then, we make a choice to let go of our judgment and resentment that we have harbored within,” explains Rev. Habash.  

“To err is human; to forgive, divine.” -Alexander Pope

“The process of forgiveness not only releases the perpetrator from our lives, but releases the perpetrator-victim polarity in our consciousness, and shifts us back into more of a trusting, yet discerning, approach to life,” adds Habash. 

With this in mind, acknowledgment, acceptance, and grief should make up how we understand forgiveness as a whole, explains Dr. Kinsey, “Putting it all together, I would redefine forgiveness the following way: Forgiveness is the recursive process of accepting the pain, such as grieving a loss, brought about by a negligent or malicious act.” 

Overall, perhaps the most important thing to understand when redefining forgiveness is that it’s not a one-off, black-and-white act, but an ongoing process. 

As Dr. Kinsey sums up, “Forgiveness is a practice in that it may never fully resolve — especially when an act contains egregious maliciousness or profound pain.”

For more qualified professional advice on forgiveness, empathy, and more, head to Mindsplain.com now.

Identity, Space and Time: Acknowledging Social Injustices in Psychotherapy

Identity, Space and Time: Acknowledging Social Injustices in Psychotherapy

Published by Nicci Attfield

A contextual approach to psychology acknowledges the struggles people face within the social environment. From this perspective, an individual is not only influenced by internal forces, thoughts, or feelings. Instead, a person responds to his or her social environment. Social norms and beliefs determine how a person can act in any given situation. This means that a person’s roots influence the routes they can take and the opportunities open to them. Social marginalization can result in mental health challenges. Without recognizing social injustice, an individual may be blamed for their own struggles and forced to adjust.

Why is it important to acknowledge social context?

Some aspects of identity can lead to people feeling disempowered. This can be due to racial identity, disability, gendered identity, national identity, deaf identity, sexualities, class, health and illness. Sometimes, aspects of identity may combine to create layers of struggle.

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie shares the complexities of raced identity in Americanah:

“The only reason you say that race was not an issue is because you wish it was not. We all wish it was not. But it’s a lie. I came from a country where race was not an issue; I did not think of myself as black and I only became black when I came to America….Race matters. But we don’t talk about it…I speak from experience.“

To look at a person in all of their complexity means that the individual cannot be viewed as an isolated being. Instead, we need to see people within a social context. This context exists within time and space. James Hillman explains that if we are to see every problem a person faces as related to past struggles, psychotherapy may not be helpful. This is because every aspect of our environment plays a role in our mental health. People often face social and environmental struggles on a day-to-day basis. This doesn’t mean individual problems are not relevant. It’s just that by seeing individuals within a social context, we are able to.

When did contextual awareness become recognized?  

Liberation Psychology | Psychotherapy | Frantz Fanon

In the 1920’s Vygotsky recognised that learning is not simply an individual process. He shared that the mind does not think in isolation. Instead, he explained that everything within us was once between us.

In the 1930’s, George Herbert Mead’s students recorded his teachings. Mead explained that the mind does not exist in isolation. Instead, society shapes self and self shapes mind. 

In the late 1940s, Lacan wrote about the mirror stage of development, where children learn their gender from the other who goes before them. Instead of  seeing individual development as related to drives within, Lacan looked at the influence of social life on individual development and highlighted the importance of repetition. 

In the 1970s, marginalised groups began to demand recognition. This included women’s groups as well as ‘Black’ researchers. Foucault began to explore social hierarchies and how roots (based on identity) opened or blocked opportunities based on race or sexualities. 

In the 1980’s, social constructionists began to explore how marginalised identities had been constructed. By acknowledging how belief systems were woven into culture and shared between people, social constructionists argue that it is possible to create a new and more equal society. 

In the 1990s, researchers such as Patricia Hill Collins began to focus on the role of intersectional identities in creating social disadvantages. Instead of simply focusing on ‘race’ or ‘gender’, intersectional researchers argued that identities combined to create complex layers of marginalisation. 

In the 2000s, researchers began to explore the importance of multicultural research in psychology. This included taking all aspects of identity into account, working sensitivity in order to understand the struggles or difficulties faced by marginalised groups, as well as the agency present within people. 

Current research focuses on decolonized theory. This means taking into account the impacts of colonization on indigenous communities. The role of anthropocentrism, the collective self, and spirituality is taken into account. Decolonised theory argues that western psychology masquerades as universal, but ignores many other definitions of self.  Decolonised theory can also be applied to languages used. This includes the marginalization of over 300 visual languages practiced by Deaf communities.

Some lead researchers who emphasize a contextual approach to psychology include

Multicultural Competence | Psychotherapy

Lev Vygotsky focused on the development of children. Vygotsky found that children learn a great deal through language and that this language shapes the way that they see the world. 

George Herbert Mead pointed out that self develops through language use. Mead argued that people can understand the world around them. By understanding social values (known as the generalized other) people understand social values. Mead saw community as a positive force that enabled empathy development.

Frantz Fanon was a psychoanalyst who based his works on the teachings of theorists such as Jung and Adler. He argued that social inequalities marginalized ‘Black’ communities, who are forced to adjust to ‘white’ society, putting on masks in order to fit in. This means that people are unable to be themselves in the presence of dominant ‘white’ norms. Fanon also explored the psychological impact colonial norms have on marginalized ‘Black’ communities, who are devalued and oppressed. Fanon worked in the 1960s.

Michel Foucault began to question how social norms form hierarchies that disadvantage groups of people. Foucault argued that if people were seen to be different but equal, there would be no problem. He argued that people are placed within social hierarchies that disadvantage some while privileging others. This impacts upon quality of life. 

Nikolas Rose carried on from the work of Foucault, focusing on the ‘psy’ disciplines, and the way that norms and values are often established and maintained by psychology. While psychology did not invent personhood, it did define what this personhood means. Definitions of what is ‘normal’ were often established through observing what was seen to be ‘abnormal’ or deviant.  Through the ‘psy’ disciplines, ordinary behavior becomes institutionalized. It is practiced through rituals that redefine normality over and over again. 

Ken and Mary Gergen explain that individuals exist within a larger cultural vacuum. Instead, meanings are shared through film, stories and the actions people carry out every day. It is through these meanings that people understand themselves and their place within the world. They might also learn social myths about marginalized groups of people. Mary Gergen explored the social construction of gender and the impacts on women’s lives because of gender norms. 

Patricia Hill Collins began to explore how different social identities played a role in shaping a person’s life. Her work began with exploring ‘Black’ feminism. Her work challenged the viewpoint that people can be defined by a single identity. Instead, she pointed out that all different aspects of self are complex and need to be taken into account. Without this, many social struggles become ignored. 

Madonna Constantine and Derald Wing Sue explored multicultural competence and what this means within a therapeutic setting. In order to be culturally competent, a therapist needs to be aware of his/her personal views, how to relate to people of different cultures, understand different cultural perspectives, and be willing to explore cultural differences with an open mind. Other researchers, such as Neil Glickman, have used cultural competence in specific settings, such as with Deaf clients. 

Lesiba Baloyi and Paddy Ladd focus on how dominant ways of being oppress marginalized cultures. The western self is largely seen to be universal and hides multiple other definitions of self, including the self shaped within African traditions. Baloyi explains that this self is known as ‘moya’, and is connected to numerous other beings. Paddy Ladd explains that the visual language of Deaf culture has been denied within the mainstream audial culture. 

Benefits of liberation psychology

Decolonized Theory | Social Context | Psychotherapy
  • Identity Affirming
  • Encourages Activism
  • Increases kindness towards marginalized groups and values difference
  • Takes a both/and approach to psychological struggles, understanding context and how to assist with mental health difficulties.

How to find a competent practitioner

Azeemah Kola points out the following three steps to finding a culturally competent psychotherapist:

1. Ask questions to explore how a potential therapist understands privilege, social hierarchies and the everyday sexisms/racisms which impact on identity.

2. If you can, give your therapist some time to develop trust, but if you find you have to educate your therapist about identity and privilege, it may be time to find another.

3.  Ensure your therapist understands your relationship to identity. Just because a therapist has the same identity as you doesn’t mean they will relate. Each person may understand social norms in different ways and may have even internalized oppressive belief systems.

References

  • Baloyi, L, J. (2008) Psychology and Psychotherapy redefined from the viewpoint of the African Experience. Unpublished doctoral dissertation. The University of South Africa. Pretoria, South Africa. Retrieved February 2012.
  • Constantine, M. G., & Sue, D. W. (Eds.). (2005). Strategies for building multicultural competence in mental health and educational settings. John Wiley & Sons.
  • Fanon, F. (1967). Black skin white masks. New York: Grove Press. 
  • Foucault, M. (1976). Lecture: 17 March 1976. Chapter 11 in Society must be Defended: Lectures at the College de France, 1975-76. (pp 239-264). Eds Bertain, M. & Fontana, A. University of Cape Town 84 Translated by David Macey. New York: Picador. Foucault, M. (1982). The Subject and Power. In Critical Inquiry. Vol 8, No 4, pp. 777- 795. The University of Chicago Press. 
  • Gergen, K. & Gergen, M. (1983). Narratives of the Self. In Sarbin, T., & Scheibe, K. Studies in Social Identity. (pp 254-273). New York: Praeger. 
  • Glickman, N. S., & Harvey, M. A. (Eds.). (2013). Culturally affirmative psychotherapy with deaf persons. Routledge.
  • Hill Collins, P. (1998). Fighting words: Black women and the search for justice. Minneapolis: University of Minnesota Press.
  • Kohler, A. (14 July 2020). 3 Tips for Finding A Culturally Competent Therapist. Psychology Today. Retrieved on 14 February 2021.
  • Ladd, P., & Lane, H. (2013). Deaf ethnicity, deafhood, and their relationship. Sign Language Studies, 13(4), 565-579.
  • Mead, G., H. (1934). Mind, self, and society from the standpoint of a social behaviorist. Chicago: Chicago University Press. 
  • Meyer, W., Moore, C., & Viljoen, H. (2003). Personology, from individual to ecosystem. Sandton: Heinemann. 
  • Pretorius-Heuchert, J., & Ahmed, R. (2001). Notions of social change in community psychology: issues and challenges. In Community Psychology: Theory, Method and Practice. South African and Other Perspectives (pp 67-87). Cape Town: Oxford University Press. 
  • Rose, N. (1991). Governing the Soul. Routledge. Rose, N. (1996). Inventing ourselves. Cambridge University Press. 
  • Van Vlanderen, H., & Neeves, D. (2004). Participatory Action Research and local knowledge in community contexts. In Hook, D. Critical Psychology. (pp 445-464). Cape Town: UCT Press.
Perception of online dating

Have an Unhealthy Relationship with Online Dating?

Published by Michael Kinsey, Ph.D.

What is a series about online dating doing on a psychology blog?

The quality of a person’s relationships is synonymous with mental health.  And, if you’re single you’re in a relationship with dating.  

You may be dating a lot, a little, or avoiding it entirely.  No matter which best describes you, you’re in a relationship with dating–and most likely online dating is a major part of this relationship.

As a practicing clinical psychologist in New York City, adventures in online dating are a part of the conversation with literally every single one of the unattached patients I treat.  

Some people do have success with online dating.  However, one thing I have never heard a patient say is: “I love online dating.  It’s so much fun.”

I don’t claim my sample is representative, but my patients’ view is consistent with commentary I’ve received from friends and colleagues.

The refrains are consistent.  

“It’s annoying.” 

“Lots of shady people.” 

“It’s a major time suck.”  

“People look nothing like their pictures.” 

“She ghosted me.”

And so on…

With all these complaints, why even bother?

Why should I care about online dating?

Online dating is the path of least resistance.  It’s also a way that people can take matters into their own hands.  Both of these options are appealing to the busy, type A hordes of NYC–and I suspect elsewhere.

Like it or not, it’s easy (at least the swiping part), it’s something you can actively do, and it’s the main gig in town.  You may long for the days when people just chatted you up in a bar, but meeting this way is becoming increasingly strange.  

And I mean strange, not just rare.  Norms have changed in such a way that if you don’t meet a partner through a friend or your immediate network, then the assumption is that you met online.  Meeting people in bars or other public gathering spots is very 20th century.

A final point here: I’m old enough to remember when people complained about meeting romantic prospects in bars.  And yes, the complaints were eerily similar to the current kvetching about online dating.

What is dating?

Dating is play.  We engage in dating with the hope that we’ll find someone with whom we enjoy spending time, doing activities both parties enjoy, feel desire and attraction, and feel sufficient trust and respect to build a partnership.

All of these criteria can be evaluated based on the quality of play.  Even arguments and conflict resolution, though they feel serious, are a form of play.  

Defining dating as play is especially useful when you consider the following:

The more you understand about what the “serious” relationship needs to look like, the more informative and useful the play of dating becomes.

Put another way, the dates themselves are not work (i.e., they are play).  The work of dating is figuring out how to simulate the “real” relationship you aspire to create in a playful manner.

The “rules” of dating

  • Dating is not a substitute for other disappointing areas of life: If you’re unhappy in life, don’t expect to find the partner of your dreams. As the saying goes, “birds of a feather flock together.” Is it possible you’ll find someone great? Sure. Is it likely? No. Focus on getting your act together first.
  • Dating is only as good as your understanding of what you want and need: If you’ve ever attempted to buy the perfect gift for someone notoriously difficult to shop for, you’ll understand this implicitly. What store do you go to? Where to start? What do they have? What do they want or need? What’s going on in their life?

When you’re dating, you need to be the picky person. Do the equivalent of figuring out what you want to spend, where you want to start, and how you’ll know if you’ve found the best option.

  • Showing is better than telling: This rule goes both ways. If you are looking for a particular trait, look for behavior consistent with that trait. Don’t merely ask if someone wants children; see how the person behaves around kids. There’s nothing wrong with asking, but it’s not likely to yield the most valid answer.
  • Serial is better than simultaneous: This is one people get wrong all of the time. While you may want to be talking to several people at once, it’s unwise to be dating several people simultaneously. This is how people get confused, hurt, and ghosted. If there’s no chemistry after a first date, inform the other person and move on. If there is, keep going until it no longer makes sense.

Having options is great during the early days of dating. Focus batching 3-5 prospects with whom you wouldn’t mind meeting up. Do informal, time-limited meet-ups with each and choose 1 (or none) to go on a second date. Don’t have sex while you’re in this elimination phase unless you enjoy making your life unnecessarily complicated.

Many will call this old-fashioned, but violate this rule at your peril. Sure, exceptions exist. But as they say, exceptions often prove the rule.

  • Dating is assessment: Does your date have what you’re looking for, or not? Don’t lose sight of this question. Feelings and sexual chemistry are nice, but think of these more as intoxicants. There’s nothing wrong with a good buzz as long as it’s not a cheap thrill that’s going to give you a hangover.
  • The best answer is yes, the second-best answer is no: If you’ve put the effort in to get to a first date, then you have a vested interest in something “good” coming from it. Let’s say your date goes well and leaves you both wanting more.

Hooray, mission accomplished!

In the more likely event that the date is either disappointing or underwhelming, you’ve accomplished the second objective: the ability to politely state that you’ll be moving on to the next prospect.

  • Nothing definitively positive can be trusted until having seen one another consistently for at least three months: For whatever reason, the love drugs that flood our system seem to last for three months, give or take–and no long-distance “dating” does not count towards this time. If you’ve found someone who you’re “crazy about,” don’t do anything rash until you’re sober. Perhaps it’s meant to be. Whether it is or isn’t (meant to be), you will definitely begin noticing things you didn’t see before.

It takes a lot of strength to evaluate that new data honestly. If you’re able to do this second wave of screening, you have a healthy dating system that is very likely to produce a promising partner.

Online gives access to anyone

Why is (online) dating so difficult?

The amazing thing about online dating is that it provides access to tons of possible candidates to you that you might have never met otherwise.

The terrible thing about online dating, is that it provides access to tons of possible candidates to you that you might have never met otherwise.

Meeting people organically, that is, through work, mutual friends, networking, local watering holes, and shared activities/interests, does a lot of screening for us.

People you meet “the old-fashioned way” have some form of credibility.  Either you have something in common, or someone you know is indirectly vouching for them.  This is not a guarantee that someone you meet naturally is not a creep, but the odds do go down.

Meeting someone online, anything is possible.  Again, this is what’s good AND this is what’s terrifying.

Several other challenges also come to mind:

  • Words and pictures can be misleading
  • The people your preferred apps show you are kind of random
  • The people your preferred apps show you are determined by an opaque algorithm
  • Ease of access to new candidates leads to a devaluation of any one match (easy come, easy go)
  • Most people don’t really know what they are looking for (that includes you)
  • When people do know what they are looking for, they are often not honest about it
  • Online dating over-values the first message

Deconstructing the process

If you want to take control of your romantic life by getting more out of online dating, a first step is to figure out exactly what specific skills online dating entails.  There are many ways to break down the journey of online dating, but here is one possible way of doing so:

  • Who to swipe
  • How to screen (pre-date)
  • How to screen (after 1st date)
  • How to accept disappointment
  • How to move on from something bad
  • How to nurture something good
  • How to break up
  • How to pace relationship and establish a commitment

Not only could you break down the process of online dating differently, it’s also probably desirable to deconstruct each item on your list one level further.  For example: “How to screen” could include questions to ask, creating reasonable hurdles, obtaining a form of collateral, probing for red flags, etc.

Breaking things down into meaninglessly small pieces is not desirable, but identifying opportunities for learning and improvement can be achieved through deconstruction.

What is in your control?

One of the paradoxes of life is that we don’t really know if anything is truly in our control, but we do know it’s healthy to believe that they are.  Online dating is no exception to this rule.

This statement should not be used to level yourself with harsh internal scoldings when things don’t go the way you hoped.  A healthy attitude is one that treats online dating as a problem to solve.  

Many metaphors would work here, but I like the image of treating online dating as a password to crack.  Designing a program that guesses passwords is a thing that can be done through strategic problem-solving and skill.  However, just because there are skilled and non-skilled ways of breaking into someone’s account does NOT mean that a good program will get into a forbidden account on the first try.

You can always tweak, revise, refine, rework, etc. your dating process.  This does not mean you’ll be perfect at it.  You’ll misjudge people, pursue bad apples, and get stuck with some real duds.  

Some bad outcomes will be preventable in the future, others are the luck of the draw.

Remain optimistic that you can create a positive outcome.  Make your system better.  Get more clear on what you want.  Make the process of meeting people smoother and less painful.  Play the numbers game.  

In short: give yourself the many chances (PLURAL) you need to find what you desire.

Join the discussion

One of the biggest reasons to offer content on online dating as a series is to provide an opportunity for dialogue.  Share your experiences of online dating in the comment section below.

  • What are the main challenges you encounter meeting people online?
  • What do you find most frustrating?
  • Where do you seem to get stuck time and time again? 
  • Have you ever had a “breakthrough” in your dating life where suddenly the process just seemed to get easier? 
The Body Keeps the Score Review, Bessel Van Der Kolk

Mindsplain Book Review: “The Body Keeps the Score”

Published by Martyna Bobek
  • Book Title: The Body Keeps Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma.
  • Author: Bessel van der Kolk, M.D.
  • Publisher: Penguin Books
  • Year Published: 2015
  • Number of Pages: 464
  • Purchase: Amazon.com

What is ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ About?

The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain, and Body in the Transformation of Trauma transforms our understanding of traumatic stress. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a leading expert on trauma, applies modern scientific approaches to reveal just how trauma reshapes both the body and the brain. With over 30 years of research and working with survivors, Van der Kolk teaches us how our bodies confine us to the past despite any effort of the mind to leave it behind. While powerfully arguing that trauma is one of the world’s most urgent public health issues, he explores innovative treatments that offer new pathways to recovery by utilizing the brain’s natural ability to heal. 

Key Takeaways from ‘The Body Keeps the Score’

  • Trauma is universal and occurs more frequently than we tend to think. One doesn’t have to a veteran to experience it- trauma happens to our family members, friends, and neighbors.
  • Trauma not only affects those directly exposed to it but those around them. Healthy relationships become extremely challenging to maintain, ranging from issues such as substance abuse to emotional absence.
  • Van der Kolk asserts that the safest way to help traumatized children is to provide them with a safe environment, allowing them to connect with others, learn to self-regulate, and develop autonomy around their own lives.
  • Survivors are often triggered, forced to endure the powerful memories of the trauma. Physical responses to these memories are common, and flashbacks cause people to relive the trauma’s mental and physical experience. 
  • While normal memories dissolve and shift, traumatic memories are vivid, unchanging, and easily triggered. Van der Kolk discusses the effectiveness of EMDR,  a common treatment intervention for trauma, in which many of his patients have witnessed incredible results.
  • We can learn to regulate our own physiology through movement and breath. Mindfulness, yoga, dance, healthy supports, and new therapeutic interventions such as neurofeedback are vital tools for survivors as they discover how to accept, cope with and recover from their life-changing experiences. 

The Body Keeps the Score Review: Overall Rating

Rating: 5 out of 5.

The Body Keeps the Score is an essential read for anyone interested in comprehending and treating traumatic stress. This book begins to provide a new method in effectively dealing with the horrific events that so many of us endure. 

Healthcare professionals can appreciate Van der Kolk’s long-standing argument that PTSD should be a separate diagnosis from C-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder) and developmental trauma disorder. As of yet, these new diagnoses haven’t been accepted by the American Psychology Association but have made a significant difference in the way we understand trauma in patients. 

Although The Body Keeps the Score isn’t a quick or easy read, it’s informative and comprehensible even without a healthcare background. Not only does this accessible book offer inspiration to those who care for sufferers of trauma, but this valuable information presents hope for survivors and their families seeking meaningful treatment from the ongoing pain.

Mindsplain Caduceus Rating

Mindsplain Caduceus Rating 5

The Caduceus is the staff carried by the Greek god, Hermes. This symbol contains a staff spiraled by two snakes and often topped with a set of wings.

The Caduceus represents Hermes and all domains associated with him. Some of the most well-known associations with Hermes are trades, occupations, commerce, negotiation, printing, writing, and eloquence.

However, the characteristics of the Caduceus invoked here are its power to awaken the sleeping, put the conscious to sleep, ease the pain of death, and revive the dead.

Book APA Reference

Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.

*When you purchase book using a link on our site, we earn an affiliate commission.

GameStop Short Squeeze

How Reddit’s Wallstreetbets Used GameStop to Attack Hedge Fund Narcissism

Published by Michael Kinsey, Ph.D.

What’s going on with the GameStop situation?

What is the internet good for if not a tightly-knit network of folks doing a deep-dive into an obscure problem?  The fervent group of Redditors known as Wallstreetbets (WSB) are finance mavens who claim they’ve found a way to make themselves rich while taking down a cadre of slick, high-powered, hucksters on wall street.

Many of these self-identified “diamond-handed” “apes” have already made millions buying GameStop (GME), a Texas-based company that political pundit Ben Shapiro calls “a swap meet meets blockbuster.” Many of these newly-minted millionaires are willing to lose millions to stay in the game.

The talking heads ridicule the bros from Wallstreetbets because they’ve chosen to support a company that lost its competitive edge as online retail and digital media have proliferated.  If the historically brick-and-mortar company was not obsolete before the COVID-19 pandemic, its physical locations must be doomed as the world resigns itself to buying online.

And yet, over the last few weeks, major hedge funds like Citadel and Melvin have allegedly lost billions as the self-proclaimed “smooth-brained” “retards” on Wallstreetbets cheerfully purchased cheap shares of a stock that traders were betting on to fail.

How, you might ask, did a group of basement-dwelling internet geeks get the upper hand on the Gordon Geckos of Wall St.? And why do these “boys” tout the merits of GameStop, i.e., ticker symbol “GME”? Stranger still, why haven’t they cashed in?

Who are the Wallstreetbets crowd?

u/DeepFuckingValue, a.k.a. “Roaring Kitty,” a.k.a., Keith Kill

The most well known member of the Wallstreetbets crowd is U/DeepFuckingValue (Keith Gill) a 36-year-old software engineer and father living in “the southwest.”  Gill also has a popular youtube channel under the username “Roaring Kitty.”

Gill is credited with identifying the opportunity with GameStop Stock, purchasing it under $10 per share and growing his total position from under $800,000 at the bottom to approximately $48,000,000 at the peak.  

Although Gill’s position has fallen considerably as GME has tumbled from $480 per share to just over $60 per share, he remains celebrated by the Wallstreetbets crowd.  The community now sees him as the leader of a movement.  Members of the community celebrate his “Diamond Hands,” rather than criticizing his failure to take profits near the top.  

The Gill-led crowd does look forward to claiming their “tendies” (i.e., profits), but the majority of its members see holding GME as being much more important than just the money.

Future anthropologists will certainly enjoy unpacking the cheeky, sardonic discourse exchanged on the subreddit.  The banter is rife with ironic self-deprecating humor, repeating ad nauseum that they are all “retarded,” “autists,” “smooth-brained,” who are utterly unqualified to give financial advice and whose wives are all cheating on them.

Can I use the loss tag for being a 👏💎🤡? I think I’ll spend the rest of my life grieving for these unrealized gains from wallstreetbets

The lone virtue to which they all aim to aspire is having a steely resolve (i.e., “diamond hands”).

Why GameStop?

On the surface, the opportunity presented by GameStop is a simple numbers-based play born of shrewd analysis.  WSB redditors noted that hedge funds had leveraged other people’s money to a non-sensical degree on a bet that GameStop would fail.  Specifically, hedge funds were selling so many shares of GME short that the total bet exceeded the number of shares of GME in existence by 40%.  

With so many bets on the company failing, the WSB crew asked the question: “What if we mobilize an effort to buy and hold a stock that the hedge funds have overcommitted resources to short-sell for a major profit on a short timeline?”  The answer, according to the community, is that hedge funds will have to choose between bleeding capital through interest on the leveraged capital, or close their positions by buying the stock, thus sending the price “to the moon.”

Hard to argue with this logic.

However, the media has observed that there may be more to the championing of GameStop as a foxhole to die in than merely its value as a strategic play.

On the subreddit, many extol nostalgic memories of buying & selling games at GameStop.  Others associate it with being a place to pass time or an escape from some of the indignities of childhood.  It’s probably safe to say that a significant percentage of the WSB crowd identify as gamer nerds.

More generally speaking, GameStop is a retail business bullied out of its sector by slicker, sexier business models in online retail.  The Amazons of the world took GameStop’s lunch money and stole its girlfriend.  And now the “boys” of WSB are looking to reclaim some of what was taken from GameStop, and maybe themselves as well.  

300 INVESTORS STRONG! from wallstreetbets

To put it succinctly, WSB and GameStop are both underdogs.  

And thanks to this tight-knit group of Redditors, the WSB participants and GameStop stakeholders now seek to seize the opportunity to take back their high school lunch money–a sum that could be a sizable sum when you consider the interest accrued.

The Drama

GameStop (GME) closed Friday at $63.77 per share
Hard to find an example of another stock with a 52-week price range that spans from $2.57/share to $483/share

After an initial surge in the GameStop share price to highs above $400 (many early WSB movement adopters bought when GME was below $10 per share), prices have since fallen down below $100 per share.

Still, the DeepFuckingValue and the WSB army repeat the battlecry of “hold the line” and encourage others to keep their “Diamond Hands.” Members await updates from DeepFuckingValue, repeating the mantra “If he’s still holding, so am I.”

The enemies of these reddit warriors are not just the “suits” who work for deep-pocketed hedge funds.  Other villains have since emerged.  Robin Hood, the user-friendly platform that was among the first platforms to offer free trading, gained widespread adoption partly by pledging allegiance to the cash-strapped investor.  The WSB crowd accuses Robin Hood of siding with the big guys at the exact moment it mattered most.  At the height of the GameStop Market, Robin Hood restricted purchases of GME but while permitting unrestricted sales.  This, the WSB crowd, provided the breathing room hedge funds needed to drive the price back down to safer levels.

Redditors have also observed a rapid increase in “Bots” posting in the WSB sub.  Cloaked by the rapid increase in interest and memberships in the sub while GME was on the ascent, the bots post pessimistic views on GME, aiming to weaken the resolve of GME-holders, or turn the diamond hands into “paper hands.”  Wallstreetbettors attribute the bot activity to hedge fund interference as they scramble to minimize and offset losses.

Another dirty tactic the apes of WSB accuse hedge funds of perpetrating against their strategy are so-called “ladder attacks.” Ladder attacks involve large financial institutions exchanging shares with one another, causing price volatility, inducing panic, and triggering holder stop-losses.

The mainstream media is another villain drawing the ire of the WSB crowd.  In response to the initial windfall, redditors felt the media had unfairly criticized the ethics of their strategy (since similar strategies do not get covered when executed by major financial institutions).

WSB also holds the opinion that the media has discouraged others from joining the movement through pessimistic coverage of their strategy.  Others go as far as to say that major media outlets have misrepresented WSB strategies in such a way that has given hedge funds much-needed relief.  For example, on 2/1, it was widely reported that WSB was turning to SLV (a fund tied to the price of Silver) since the GME run appeared to have ended.

The coverage of SLV misled the public in two important ways, the WSB redditors claim.  First, it suggested that WSB had lost faith in the GME strategy; and second, it advocated a strategy not endorsed by WSB.  The net effect would be to divert capital away from GME towards SLV–a fund from which hedge funds like Citadel would profit greatly.

To the Wallstreetbets community, what started out as a guerilla attack on hedge funds has now expanded to become a full-fledged war against the establishment.

What does this have to do with psychology, narcissism?

The market-manipulators of Wall St. sit atop the financial social hierarchy.  Not only do they hoard a disproportionate amount of the market’s resources, but they continue to display entitled attitudes, finding angles to hoover up more financial resources, whether through political influence or direct market manipulation.

It’s quite easy to make parallels between corporate greed on Wall St. to severe narcissistic, if not sociopathic, personality pathology.  One famous example of adopting this perspective is the 2003 documentary film “The Corporation.”  

Grandiose Narcissists

Most people either know a narcissist well or have some idea of the traits pathological narcissists display.  But the GameStop drama provides an opportunity to understand the nuances of narcissism with much more precision.

Check out this model of narcissism showing the emotional dynamics of the prototypical, grandiose narcissists.  On the surface, grandiose narcissists can be most succinctly described as having disgust, contempt, and anger for displays of weakness, vulnerability, and dependency.  

This persona of arrogance, invulnerability, and dismissiveness belies deeper levels of sadness and annihilation anxiety.  While the wolves of Wall St. may appear to be unassailable, success in the financial markets is often predicated on using other people’s money, liberal credit, cheap money, and many systemic advantages that retail investors lack.

We don’t need to look very far back to see epic catastrophic failures, government bailouts, and shameful displays of corruption among Wall St. elites.  The uber-monied class may be insulated from consequences, but make no mistake: they depend on that insulation.

As for the sadness that lies beneath the narcissistic facade, it’s there–just seldom seen.  The GameStop pump was one of the rare instances that it was in plain sight. 

Want to see it? Look no further.

The “mob” as the the social counterweight

Referring to the aforementioned model  of narcissism, you can see that two other forms of narcissism stand up in opposition to grandiose narcissism: Deflated Narcissism (a.k.a., Covert Narcissism) and Depleted Narcissism (a.k.a., “Echoism”).

In the case of the former, deflated narcissism, the emotional state is one of shame, grievance, and self-centered suffering.  At pathological levels, deflated narcissism can be quite obnoxious.  At healthier levels, deflated narcissism can be transformed into a natural counterweight to the excesses of grandiose narcissists.

How do individuals so identified with their own suffering find agency? Well, they form angry mobs.  Collectively, mobs display (potentially healthy) forms of obstinance, entitlement, and power.  Individually, mob members may feel powerless.  Collectively, they can display the healthy attributes of grandiose narcissism.

The group of underdogs that gather on Wallstreetbets are one example of such a mob. 

What happens next?

At the time of this article, GME is trading well below $100 per share ($63.77).  The WSB movement appears to be on the verge of being buried by institutional money,  the 24-hour-news cycle and the collective ADHD of modern times.  The prevailing wisdom is that the WSB crowd had their 15 minutes of fame and would have been wise to cash out when the GME price was $400 per share.  Already seen by some now as a cautionary tale of biting off more than you can chew, the Wallstreetbets are back in the familiar position of underdog.  The smart money appears to have shifted to support the hypothesis that the dream of burying hedge funds and toppling Wall St. narcissism was a delusion.

After all, it’s a rigged system.  The WSB movement got in a jab but have since been knocked out by a swift, retaliatory uppercut delivered by the establishment.

But DeepFuckingValue and the original ragtag cadre of revolutionary retail investors don’t believe this war is over.  They view it as a war of attrition that tests the material of their own hands–be it diamond or paper.

They believe that the institutional money is brazen enough to open up even more short positions to prove they are bigger, smarter, tougher, and more powerful than the little guy.  Most believe that holding their positions will yield massive rewards down the line.  They also believe that, even if they lose, they will have fallen in a noble cause.  

The self-proclaimed smooth-brained, diamond-handed, retard cucked apes believe that the war over the future of civilization is not drawn along racial, gender, or geo-political lines, but rages between the haves and the have-nots.  

Make no mistake, they hold GME to become a part of a new class of haves.  But for now, they are willing to lose it all to fight for the have-nots.  Retirement accounts and life savings hang in the balance as hedge funds through massive quantities of other people’s money at them like hand grenades.

The Wallstreetbettors are underdogs.  The odds are stacked against them.  But they are a mob with a cause.  Bet against them at your peril.

How can you participate?

If you support the WSB cause, the best way you can show your support is to purchase shares of GME–preferably not through the Robin Hood platform.  One example of a platform that has continued to offer GME shares is M1 Finance*. This is not financial advice.  It’s an invitation to participate in a social movement. Don’t invest more than you can afford to lose.  

While this may not result in profit, the WSB crew point out that if everyone owned one share, it could very well be another gut punch to the narcissistic entitlement rampant on Wall Street.  And, if we’ve learned anything since 2008, the government is not likely to mete out justice in response to Wall St. excesses.

*Support the site by using this affiliate link

Ecopsychology definition | Theodore Roszak

What is Ecopsychology?

Published by Nicci Attfield

Ecopsychology sees human psychological wellness as connected to ecology. From this perspective, people are both a part of, and in relationship to, the more than human world. Andy Fisher explains that the capitalist world leaves people feeling ashamed of who they are. This is because people constantly have to strive to become more. As a result, people feel unhappy and disconnected from each other and the environment. 

When people reconnect to the more than human world, they feel a deep sense of peace. As people come to their senses they feel at home both in their human bodies and in the natural world. They begin to feel a sense of belonging to the world. They are also able to access powerful feelings and emotions. This leads to deep healing.

How was Ecopsychology Developed?

What is Ecopsychology? Definition

The conceptualization of ecopsychology began with the work of Robert Greenway, a writer for Abraham Maslow. Greenway came from the academic lineage of pioneering ecologist Walles T. Edmondson.

He discussed his idea that “the mind is nature, and nature, the mind,” with his mentors Michael Breen, Deborah Tannen, Joel Aronoff, Bob Silver, and Art Warmoth. He called his theory psychoecology and introduced it in a 1963 essay at Brandeis University during his graduate studies. Greenway taught on the topic during his tenure as dean at Franconia College and, later, at Sonoma State University in 1968.

Greenway was a mentor to Elan Shapiro. In 1989, Shapiro formed a biweekly psychoecology study group at Berkeley, whose attendees included Fran Segal, Alan Kanner, and Mary Gomes. 

The Voice of the Earth

In 1990, iconic cultural historian Theodore Roszak began attending Elan Shapiro’s study group. Roszak started writing about the topic. In it, he rearranged the portmanteau psychoecology into the term ecopsychology. His work was published in 1992 as the book The Voice of the Earth.

Roszak found that his students formed a deep sense of belonging while present within nature. Instead of focusing on guilt or shame at what was happening to the earth, Roszak began to look at the relationship people had to earth.

The Spell of the Earth

David Abram brought ecopsychology into the mainstream with his book The Spell of the Sensuous. He focused on the importance of experience, and how spending time in the more than human world brought human beings ‘to their senses’. He also showed the impacts of development on indigenous people. His work showed how people ‘live in psyche’, or are part of a greater, more than human community. Explaining that we live and breathe alongside numerous other beings, Abram explains the importance of recognizing our embodied intelligence. His initial work was released in the 1990s.

Radical Ecopsychology

Ecopsychology Theorists | Walles T. Edmondson

Andy Fisher extended the definitions of ecopsychology to include the impacts of capitalism on the human psyche. He explains that we live in a world where self, environment, and economy are connected. Andy Fisher explained that it is important not only to explore that which makes us happy (ecological being) but also that which makes us unhappy. He sees capitalism as a means of exploiting both human beings and the earth. His book Radical Ecopsychology: Psychology in the Service of Life was released in 2003 and revised in 2013.

Andy Fisher’s current work focuses on Ecopsychology as liberation psychology, with space for the voices of marginalized groups such as indigenous groups, and speaks of the importance of decolonized voices. One such decolonized voice is Gloria Anzaldua, who wrote during the 1990s and 2000s. She focuses on the spirit present within all life and indigenous traditions that recognize this life force.

What is the Theory of Ecopsychology?

Ecopsychology Andy Fisher

Ecopsychology recognizes that humans both shape and are shaped by the more than the human world. Many human societies have separated themselves from nature, creating an artificial divide. This depletes the natural joy and spontaneity that people feel while residing in the world. It also dulls our senses. Ecopsychologists believe that as the more than human world dies off, we feel deep but often unconscious grief at the losses we face.

Ecopsychology creates an embodied awareness of what it means to be fully alive. In the more than human world, all beings belong.

Key Ecopsychology Theorists

  • Robert Greenway developed the concept of psychoecology – the forerunner of ecopsychology – based on the principle that “the mind is nature, and nature, the mind.”
  • Theodore Roszak renamed the concept ecopsychology and suggested that people naturally belong to the world and that this belonging enables people to move through times of crisis. 
  • David Abram explains that when we come to our senses, using our embodied intelligence to navigate through the world, our empathy is deepened. 
  • Laura Sewell Her book Sight and Sensibility: The Ecopsychology of Perception, describes how our relationship with the natural world can restructure the neural networks that arouse and shape our perception and connection to our environment.
  • Deborah Du Nann Winter In Ecological Psychology: Healing the Split Between Planet and Self, asserts that because environmental problems are mainly caused by human behaviors, beliefs, choices, and values, psychology is an essential part of problem-solving.
  • Ralph Metzner wrote about the importance and healing power of harmonizing the mind with the ecosystem in Green Psychology: Transforming Our Relationship to the Earth.
  • Andy Fisher explains that we have a deep sense of wonder and a natural relationship with the more than human world. However, capitalism breaks this relationship down, causing pain. 
  • Carl Anthony explores how the exploitation of land and the exploitation of human beings was linked together, beginning with large scale plantation farming and the introduction of slavery. He explores the need for just communities who treat the land with respect.
  • Bill Plotkin a Jungian therapist, explains that the human soul is deeply connected with nature. He shares that our natural path is to find solace and growth within the wild mind. 
  • Ian McCallum a Jungian therapist, explains that people have a natural affinity with plants and animals. Without nature, people lose their sense of joy and wholeness. 
  • Jeffrey Rink shares that just by taking human beings into nature, they can awaken, enabling self-growth and deep healing. 
  • Howard Frumkin suggests that deepening scientific inquiry into ecopsychology could lead to important advances in clinical epidemiology; that is, more science could establish the connection between mental and physical disease and estrangement from the natural world.

What are the Benefits of Ecopsychology?

How was Ecopsychology Developed?

Ecopsychology creates an embodied awareness of what it means to be fully alive. In the more than human world, all beings belong. By spending time in the more than human world, human beings can move away from the social hierarchies which cause so much pain. They can return to their embodied intelligence, their deep sensual natures, and embrace enlivened being. 

  • Mindfulness
  • Self Exploration
  • Social awareness
  • Connection to nature, self, and a wider community 
By spending time in the more than human world, human beings can move away from the social hierarchies which cause so much pain.

Which Eco Therapies are Available?

Some of the types of eco therapist that are available are:

  • Wilderness Retreats
  • Animal Encounters such as swimming with dolphins
  • Nature Walks 

Evidence Supporting The Effectiveness of Ecopsychology

Ecopsychology | Robert Greenway | Theorist | Philosophy
  • General well-being. According to a 2014 study, psychical activity and exposure to nature have significant benefits for human health. It has been shown to improve psychological well-being, relieve stress, improves mood, enhances life skills, lower mental fatigue, increases concentration, and decrease aggression.
  • Resilience building. Data from a 2013 study found a moderately positive correlation between our experience of connection to the natural world and our perceived psychological resilience.
  • Post-traumatic stress. A study from 2011 showed that therapeutic recreation showed promise as a contributing factor to the healing process for veterans with post-traumatic stress.
  • Nervous system recovery. There is evidence that contact with nature provides many health benefits. For example, a study of 240 married couples found that pet owners have a lower baseline heart rate, blood pressure, faster recovery, and lower cardiovascular reactivity to stressors.
The mind is nature, and nature, the mind.

Where Can I Find An Ecopsychology Oriented Therapist?

Ecopsychologists are trained psychotherapists who incorporate a variety of ecological concepts into their practices. There are many ecopsychologists in different areas. 

Many organizations include a list of trained practitioners recognized within the field. These include:

Some of the leading ecopsychologists, such as Bill Plotkin and Andy Fisher, also offer wilderness retreats. Jeffrey Rink provides ecopsychology retreats in Cape Town.

Final Thoughts on Ecopsychology

Origin of Ecopsychology | History of Ecotherapy

Ecopsychology offers an excellent opportunity to explore how you would like to live in this world as an embodied human being. Your journey will be unique to you, but as you establish a deeper sense of belonging to the more than human world, there will be no looking back. An experienced Ecopsychologist will guide you towards creating profound changes within your life. You will improve your mental health and make new contributions to the more than human world. 

References​

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Book on Childhood Trauma

Mindsplain Book Review: “The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog”

Published by Martyna Bobek

 What’s “The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog” About? 

The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog is a series of stories from a child psychiatrist, Dr. Bruce Perry, who applies his brain development and neuroscience expertise to study how traumatic experiences shape children’s behavior. Each chapter utilizes vivid yet straightforward illustrations to describe his former patients who have endured violence, abuse, and neglect. Simultaneously, Dr. Perry engages his readers to join him on a journey in understanding exactly what happens to the brain if a child is exposed to extreme stress. Readers will find their hearts swelled with compassion, empathy, and ultimately, hope.

Key Takeaways from The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog 

  • The brain is capable of change despite severe trauma. In other words, healing is possible. Understanding this can provide even the smallest glimmer of hope throughout the darkest of times.
  • The responses of traumatized children are frequently misunderstood. Dr. Perry shares stories in which family homes experience a similar theme-chaos and unpredictability. Given so, kids may respond with fear and stress in safe and calm situations.
  • Small stressors are essential for children to experience early on. If managed in a safe environment, kids build tolerance and cope with larger stressors more effectively in the future.
  • Resilient children are made, not born. We often assume that kids  “won’t remember” or are “too young to understand” traumatic events.  Perry contradicts this belief in every story he shares, teaching us how children are especially vulnerable to the impacts of stress and trauma.
  • Healthy, trusting, and safe relationships are vital in healing trauma. From his encounters with his patients, Perry shares how children need to counteract the helplessness and loss of control they once felt throughout their traumatic experience.
  • Love is essential. Kids can have everything they need to survive, but love is the ultimate protective factor a caregiver can provide.

The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog Review: Overall Rating

Dr. Perry weaves these children’s stories together into a heartfelt narrative and describes the unimaginable horrors that no person should ever face. It hits hard. And yet, his findings have made a notable impact on the way professionals understand and work with trauma in children. 

If you’re a teacher or a mental health professional, reading this book will provide you with a greater awareness of the complexity in working with traumatized children. Dr. Perry reveals how professionals can view and question behaviors while revealing the surprising actions that can reduce a child’s distress and help them grow into healthy adults.

If you currently are or plan on becoming a foster parent, this book will help you comprehend many foster parents’ challenges. Although the stories shared in the book are extreme cases, it’ll provide you with a better understanding of children’s adjustment challenges and development.

Mindsplain Caduceus Rating 5
The Caduceus is the staff carried by the Greek god, Hermes. This symbol contains a staff spiraled by two snakes and often topped with a set of wings.

The Caduceus represents Hermes and all domains associated with him. Some of the most well-known associations with Hermes are trades, occupations, commerce, negotiation, printing, writing, and eloquence.

However, the characteristics of the Caduceus invoked here are its power to awaken the sleeping, put the conscious to sleep, ease the pain of death, and revive the dead.

Warning: This book can be a difficult read for many. Parts are graphic and upsetting for the average reader and may not be beneficial for someone with unresolved trauma. Take breaks as needed, and ensure you have a safe place to discuss and share your thoughts.

References

Perry, B. D., & Szalavitz, M. (2017). The boy raised as a dog: And other stories from a child psychiatrist’s notebook–What traumatized children can teach us about loss, love, and healing. Hachette UK.

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