Forgiveness: it’s something we talk about a lot, but is much easier said than done. 

While our emotions around forgiving and the wrongs leading up to it can be some of the most traumatic in life, forgiveness can also be one of the single most important ways to process and grow from our experiences. It’s also completely in your control – and can allow you to take total ownership of a situation, no matter how hurt you have been by it. 

In this exclusive series, we’ll investigate different facets of forgiveness through the eyes of qualified psychologists, psychiatrists, relationship experts, marriage counselors, couples therapists, and spirituality experts to help you better understand forgiveness, and how to effectively apply it to your own circumstances.

What is true forgiveness?

So, let’s start at the beginning: how do you define ‘forgiveness’?

As award-winning licensed clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Dr Michael Kinsey, Ph.D., explains, there are several layers to defining the term as we understand it in psychology. “The etymology of forgiveness is quite interesting,” Dr Kinsey says, “First, it means to give or to grant something. Second, it carries the modifier of ‘completely.’ That is, forgiveness carries the implied virtue of giving or granting completely. This is to say, it’s an all or nothing proposition.” 

“Third, the word also bears the meaning that to forgive means to surrender, give up entirely.  What are we meant to give up entirely? The desire or power to punish,” adds Dr. Kinsey. 

This idea of ‘complete’ forgiveness, says Dr Kinsey, is not realistic, “Many will disagree, but the binary nature of forgiveness makes it a psychological impossibility — thus placing its original usage firmly in the camp of spirituality.” 

Still, many view forgiveness in this all-or-nothing way. Mary Lemmer, the founder of Improve, which improves peoples’ lives with a combination of improv comedy, behavioral research, and neuroscience, says, “Forgiveness is acknowledging the pain or hurt you feel, and being able to truly let go of it and not hold anyone accountable for that pain or hurt.” 

Of course, there’s a very literal way to define the term. “Merriam-Webster now defines forgiveness as the act of giving up ‘resentment of or claim to requital,’” says Dr. Kinsey, “To me, this definition still seems anti-psychodynamic – it also does not obey the natural laws of emotions.” 

Understanding forgiveness

If the etymological definition of forgiveness doesn’t chime with our understanding of natural psychology, perhaps now is the time to redefine what exactly we mean when we talk about the concept. 

Dr. Kinsey agrees, “In order to be aligned with psychological laws, I would redefine forgiveness to include the following elements: Firstly, forgiveness is a process, not an act. Second, forgiveness is a practice; that is to say, it may never be entirely complete. Put another way, forgiveness is asymptotic.”

“Forgiveness is also a practice of accepting grief, rather than defending against pain of loss through retributive anger,” adds Dr. Kinsey.  

Laura Goldstein, LCMFT, is a Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist in Rockville Maryland and Founder of Montgomery County Counseling Center, LLC. Goldstein agrees that forgiveness is inherently linked to grief: “Forgiveness comes with grieving the difference between what you wanted to happen versus what did happen. It also means holding a balance between empathy for someone else, while also not invalidating your own emotions or losing empathy and self-compassion about your own hurts.” 

Austin-based psychotherapist Louis Laves-Webb agrees that empathy from the forgiver plays a large part in forgiveness, too. 

“For some, forgiving a person might feel like offering justification for someone’s transgressions. Others think forgiveness is about changing the past or pretending it didn’t happen at all,” says Laves-Webb, “However, none of these are what forgiveness is truly about. Forgiveness is a way of looking at your past through a more empathetic perspective that allows you to let go of your resentment for the people who wronged you.” 

Why is forgiveness important?

Letting go of resentment may be the most difficult part of forgiveness – but it’s completely in the control of the wronged individual, explains therapist Randy Withers, LCMHC, a North Carolina-based licensed counselor and addictions specialist who specializes in co-occurring disorders. “Forgiveness is the deliberate act of releasing feelings of resentment, vengeance, or hostility to a group or individual who has harmed you, regardless of whether they deserve it.” 

Withers notes that you can forgive without forgetting, too. “Forgiveness does not mean that you have forgotten, nor does it imply that you condone bad behavior. Rather, it is a way to free oneself from the stranglehold of unpleasant thoughts and negative emotions,” he adds. 

The benefits of forgiveness

Being able to forgive but not forget someone’s wrongdoings may not immediately sound like the most spiritually wholesome way to live. But, as Rev. Connie L. Habash, MA, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist, meditation teacher, and interfaith minister, explains, it allows us to acknowledge the harm while still letting it go from our lives.

“Forgiveness isn’t saying that what happened is OK. By going through the process to forgive, we acknowledge with total honesty what happened, what was in our control and what wasn’t, anything that we may have done to contribute to the harm done, and how it has affected our thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions. Then, we make a choice to let go of our judgment and resentment that we have harbored within,” explains Rev. Habash.  

“The process of forgiveness not only releases the perpetrator from our lives, but releases the perpetrator-victim polarity in our consciousness, and shifts us back into more of a trusting, yet discerning, approach to life,” adds Habash. 

With this in mind, acknowledgment, acceptance, and grief should make up how we understand forgiveness as a whole, explains Dr. Kinsey, “Putting it all together, I would redefine forgiveness the following way: Forgiveness is the recursive process of accepting the pain, such as grieving a loss, brought about by a negligent or malicious act.” 

Overall, perhaps the most important thing to understand when redefining forgiveness is that it’s not a one-off, black-and-white act, but an ongoing process. 

As Dr. Kinsey sums up, “Forgiveness is a practice in that it may never fully resolve — especially when an act contains egregious maliciousness or profound pain.”

For more qualified professional advice on forgiveness, empathy, and more, head to Mindsplain.com now.